A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Background: My boyfriend and I are both 21, and have been faithfully together for 4.5 years. Right from the start, we both felt that we'd found 'the one', and he made it very clear that he hopes to marry me one day (3 weeks into the relationship he asked me to 'marry him', as we both think there's no point in being with someone you can't see yourself marrying!) We have only ever slept with each other. Please don't comment on how I need time to see what's out there - I know I want to be with this guy.About 9 months ago, we started to talk about marriage - we both agreed that we'd like a long engagement. However, since then, he has been shrugging off the idea, saying he's "waiting for the right time". Surely the 'right time' won't just pop up out of nowhere, he has to make it the right time? Am I wrong in thinking that? To me it seems like he's not ready to make that commitment, even though he claims he is. Do you think he's just scared of taking that next step? or perhaps he's changed his mind on the whole thing?Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks.
I am not pushing him in any way, and we have talked about it. it's just that recently he shys away. There is no rush - that's not the point I was emphasising. I don't care if we get engaged tomorrow or in 5 years, I was just wondering about his actions. He was the one to bring up the conversation of engagement and marriage.
We have never told each other what the other wants to hear - we are both brutally honest with each other, even when perhaps it isn't what we wanted to hear, so I'm not afraid of that. Communication has never been a problem in our relationship, neither has honesty.
I understand your point that we're both barely adults, but also, every individual is different, and just because you're still learning certain things about yourself doesn't mean that I haven't already learned them. And I also understand that 21 is still young.
If that comes across in any way rude, it wasn't intended to be that way. I just wanted to make things clearer!
Again, thank you very much for your response
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (21 December 2011):
 It could be that he is telling you what you want to hear, so he doesnt rock the boat.
He could be scared. He may have changed his mind. Talk to him. If you cannot discuss this type of thing then a marriage will never work. Communication is the KEY.
To be perfectly honest, at 21 you have no idea what you want from life. You are both barely adults and still have a lot to learn about yourselves as individual people. Even at 28, I am still deciding what I want from life and the type of man I want to be with has changed drastically from when I was 21.
I have a totally different outlook on my life and future.
If he is 'the one' then what is the rush? You have your whole lives ahead of you to get married. Enjoy being young, because marriage is legally binding. Divorce is costly.
The more you push him, the more likely he will pull away and not want to make a commitment. Let him come to you in his own time when HE is ready.
Men mature more slowly than women, so you are 21 years old, he will be thinking like an 18 year old. He is probably panicking.
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