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anonymous
writes:Im seperated from my husband and i have 3 children.I have been seeing my lover for over 3 years but he has a partner (he's not married to her.They live seperate lives and sleep in seperate bedrooms as she is alot older then him and doesn't want sex anymore.My lover has told me that he loves me but he cant leave his partner because of the guilt and pain.I wanted to be a proper couple with him but he said that he couldn't take on my children because being a stepfather wouldn't work because he reakons that they would hate him.Also he doesn't fancy confrontation with my husband....He said that when the kids are off my hands,then we could be a proper couple...i have tried ending it with him but he kept pestering me to come back because he missed me.What shall i do? Does he have a point? Is he using me? or is the timing just wrong and he does love me? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Stina...i was wondering where you got to.I did what you said and finished with him but he still isn't getting the message.Iv ignored all his texts and phone calls.He keeps asking me out for a drink or go for lunch as if nothing has happened? What shall i do because i haven't responded but because i still have feelings for him its been rather testing.Why cant he accept its over?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Stina,well i did want i had to do and ended it with him but he is now sending me txts asking me to meet him for a run or for a coffee as if we are still together? Also he asked me whether i was going to the fireworks display.I have ignored the txts but not replying but dont you find it bizarre that he is acting as if nothing has happened between us? What is he playing at?
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reader, stina  +, writes (30 October 2006):
 Hello again Anon,
Well it sounds like he made the break up revolve all around him and how he's feeling. Doesn't really sound like he tried to view things from your angle - just got defensive. I'm glad to hear that you are moving on and it seems as though you are feeling pretty good about your decision. Take care!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIv already thought about it and im not making excuses for him either,i was just telling you how it is.I have dumped him and he wasn't too pleased,he said i shouldn't listen to what other people say and that he will be away in the middle east after xmas for 4 months and that he didn't need the stress i was giving him.When he made that remark i knew i did the right thing,the man is self centred and your right,i do want to live a happy,contented life.Thank you for your input and thank you stina.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2006): i hope you've made up your mind by cutting him off totally and dissolving your relationship with him once and for all. you justifying the (his) situation, you giving reasons or explanations to the (his) actions or behaviors, you analyzing the (his) problem WILL NOT help you emotionally and mentally. if you continue to cater him you will LOSE a lot...you will be a total wreck, you will experience depression, anxiety, confusion, anger, bitterness, love and hate, UNLESS you plan to live most of your life like this. ( it's hard enough to go through a day without feeling weary ). DO YOU WANT TO LIVE A HAPPY CONTENT LIFE WITHIN YOUR MORAL AND ETHICAL VALUES ? ask yourself and think about it..
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your reply Anon...What you have said has made sense but there's just one thing i must add.1st he isn't her husband,they never married...2nd he is middle aged and if ever he met anyone else she is more likely to have baggage...anyone younger would have to be someone in their twenties and as he's no oil painting and has a middle age spread,he isn't going to find it easy,plus he doesn't want children.So i was his best catch but i have taken on board on what was said and i have finished with him.He didn't like it,he said he missed me but i wasn't having any of it.Iv been stupid and i wont lose sleep over it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2006): sorry to say this but this man is smart and of course he loves her in some ways imagine 25 years. who cares how old she or he is. he will never leave her. maybe he's just waiting for her departure you know r.i.p. (rest in peace) and life insurance/all kinds benefits which i'm sure he deserves because he is the husband after all. now if her r.i.p. happens sooner do you think he's really gonna marry you. of course not. he will find someone single (unattached, no children, no ex husbands to worry), more attractive, and young to start his own family with.
so you have to STOP daydreaming and come out of it. this is reality. meanwhile he sweet talks you because his wife cant perform her job and you are there to please his flesh desire. now really don't you think that he is cheating on her and using you ? think about it
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reader, stina +, writes (26 October 2006):
Hey Anon,
(You're not bothering me! :) )
You asked, "...Is he really using me..." Well lets think about this:
- He still lives with his partner
- He would feel guilty for leaving her
- He wants to wait 10+ years to involve your children
- He doesn't want confrontation with your husband
- Only seems to be there when HE misses you, not vice versa
- You feel torn inside because of the children
- You feel neglected
- You feel used
- You are unhappy in general with where the relationship is
- He seems unwilling to compromise (and being a proper couple in 10 years is one heck of a lousy "compromise," if you can even call it that.
(Things sure seem to look okay if your looking out from his position, don't they?)
I've seen many negatives brought up about this man and yet not one positive. You say your feelings are still with your lover, but are you sure they are? Maybe what you are really attached to are the feelings that you *want* to have for him. Does that make sense? Like you're in love with the idea of having a loving relationship with this man that you've tricked yourself into believing that's what you have.
Try looking at your problem from an outside perspective. If someone else asked you their opinion of the situation, what would you say?
Anon, I think you know what you should do. And I think that you'll be much happier doing it. If I were you, I would leave him. I would find myself someone who is accepting of your children, who won't feel guilty for being with you, someone who you can spend the rest of your life with (starting NOW, *not* in 10 years), and someone who makes you genuinely happy.
Break ups are never easy on anyone, even if you're the one who's breaking it off. I understand that you'll probably feel sad, upset, and like you're lacking something in the beginning. Just remember that you need to find someone who values you and in the meantime if you're single, it's much better than feeling used. Right?
(PS - In 10 years, this woman will be near 80 and could very well still be alive. He might stay with her even then despite how old your children are. That is something else to condider, don't you think?)
Stay strong, anon. You'll be fine and things will work out in time. The hurt just has to run its course for a bit. Take care and focus on YOU for a while, okay? :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo he definately doesn't sleep with her anymore because they have been together 25 years and he stopped fancying her because she is 70 years old and he is only 44 years of age.They met when he was 18 and she was in her early 40's but he had to get away from his over strict parents so she took him in and later on they became lovers.As time as gone by he has noticed the age difference but now he said he couldn't leave her because it would be cruel of him.....My husband wants me back but my emotionally feelings are with my lover still and i wish they weren't.Your right stina about the children...he said lets wait until your kids are 16 and wont be needing me as much,then we can be a proper couple,but i told him thats roughly 10 years away! and i said theres no way i would walk out on my kids.He has never had children so he doesn't know what it is like to be a father. So my last question is this...Is he really using me and when he says he misses me,its just a lie because its sex he's thinking of? If so then i will dump him tmw.I really appreciate your input stina,thank you,i wont bother you again once you have given me your very last answer.
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reader, CupidStruck +, writes (26 October 2006):
No man in the world should be important enough to deny or get rid of your children--your own flesh and blood.Is this guy the reason for your separation from your husband? He is NOT worth breaking up your entire family.As to his "older partner living in a separate bedroom" lie: If she really didn't give him sex anymore, he would have dropped her a long time ago. He doesn't feel "guilty" about anything, otherwise he wouldn't tell his women to brush off their children, so he won't have any responsibities or hassles. In my eyes, the guy is using several women, probably even leaching off of at least one of them and overall a heartless jerk. Sorry, but you have to move on or you'll lose everything that is precious to you.
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reader, stina +, writes (26 October 2006):
Hello again, Anon. :) I'm glad that you found my advice helpful.
I was thinking more about this and was wondering if your lover's partner has any idea that he is seeing you? If not - if they're supposed to be in an exclusive relationship - then I would definitly stop seeing this man. Not only for the reasons listed previously, but because this is also hurting someone else. And you probably don't want to be blamed for splitting that couple up if she finds out, right? Situations like that are almost always very messy. And it sounds like you don't need to add any stress to your life, especially right now.
I was also thinking that if he is just *dating* the two of you - and not in an exclusive relationship with either one - then I could see why he would not want to meet the children. But on the other hand, this has been going on for three years. It seems to me that he should have made a decision by this point. And that brings me back to the point of thinking it's just time for you to move on. It really doesn't sound like you are getting what you want out of this relationship - for youself or for your kids.
Let me ask you - since your husband wants to get back together with you, have you ever considered trying to work things out with him? I know you didn't mention anything about doing that in your post, but it was just a thought I had. Perhaps some marriage counseling would help you build back your relationship to what it once was - or better yet, maybe it would help it become stronger than it ever was in the past. If your husband would get upset - berserk - over you seeing someone else, then he probably cares about you a great deal (unless he's just really controlling - in which case the counseling could help!).
So I would still seriously consider breaking it off with this man (unless you're comfortable "sharing" him with someone else, as long as she knows) or else maybe try to work things out with your husband. If you end up without either one of them, remember, it's not the end of the world. It's just starting off fresh; finding someone who values you and considers you his number one priority! :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your input stina,your the only one who has made constructive advice on my problem.My husband and i are seperated but he wants to get back with me and if he knew about my lover then i think he will go beserk,thats why my lover doesn't want the confrontation.My kids haven't met my lover because i didn't feel it was right to do so,i guess i wanted to protect them.I think my lover feels that it would be unfair for them to see him as he's really a stranger to them but it is just feeble excuses because he could of left his partner and lived on his own while dating me properly.
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reader, stina +, writes (24 October 2006):
"can i just say one thing though,he didn't get on with his partner's children and they are grown up now and he's never had children himself" I have to ask a question - does it really matter how he treats his partner's children? Would it matter if he loved them? I guess what I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't compare things like that. You know? In my opinion, he should accept your whole family. What kind of a person is he that he would just up and ignore your flesh and blood? That doesn't sound like someone who really cares about you. He is putting you in the middle and that's not right.
"Why couldn't he have met someone else instead of chasing me all the time?" Anon, you yourself said he has another partner. He might still be chasing you, too, because you're still giving him what he wants.
If I were you, I would try to think of the positives this man has to offer you, as well as the negatives. List them, see which outweighs the other. But still, I can hardly see how this man will make you happy. He is seeing someone else, doesn't want to end it because he'd feel guilty, he doesn't like your children, doesn't want confrontation with your husband (does this mean you're not seperated or something? I don't get why your husband has anything to do with him). All of this and more listed in your post tell me that he doesn't respect you and he has flat out said he doesn't want to be a couple.
I really think it's time you moved on. And I know you've probably heard "there are lots of guys in the world..." Well, yeah, but more importantly, even being single for a while would probably do you more good than sticking with this man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your input,can i just say one thing though,he didn't get on with his partner's children and they are grown up now and he's never had children himself.His job is unsafe at the moment and i think he's scared that it will go all pear shaped.What hurts me more is that i really thought he loved me.Why couldn't he have met someone else instead of chasing me all the time?
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reader, stina +, writes (23 October 2006):
Hello Anon,
The other woman aside, do you really want to be with a man who can't - or, excuse me, - who *won't* accept your children? Won't that be a bit difficult in the future for things like birthdays, holidays, or even plain old visits from your kids? Is he going to avoid them all the time, or is he going to change? He has had three years to warm up to your children -- who's to say he ever would, even when they're adults. I think you're off best leaving this man. This just sounds like it's no good. He sounds very selfish, and it doesn't seem like you are the same way.
Take care.
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reader, Lostandalone +, writes (23 October 2006):
 Like everyone else said and I am in agreeance that he is using you for his own pleasure. Get out of the "relationship" now or suffer more heartache.
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reader, eidden06 +, writes (23 October 2006):
Living in the same house, but in separate rooms...that is a common lie cheating men use. The one statement you made that really stands out for me is that he told you he couldn't be a proper couple until your children were off your hands. That comment would of been enough to make me walk away. This guy is only interested in having sex with you, with no strings attached! Do yourself a favor and move on.
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reader, camille +, writes (23 October 2006):
 So, "They live seperate lives and sleep in seperate bedrooms as she is alot older then him and doesn't want sex anymore"....says who? You don't know that for fact. Chances are that's a lie. You're having an affair not a relationship. after 3+ years I can't see that changing. The "guilt and pain"doesn't stop him sleeping with you, so can't be THAT bad! I am sorry but he sounds like he's using you. Break free now before you waste another 3 years.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2006): hmmmm... stay away from him, walk away, run as fast as you can, don't ever look back. HE IS USING YOU ... enough said..
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