A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together a year in five days. For the last couple of months, I've known about his porn problem. He didn't tell me, I had to find it on the computer one day. There was A LOT of it too. I tried talking to him about it, but the only thing he had to say was "It's not a big deal, ALL guys watch porn". Frankly, I know a lot of guys, and MOST of them DON'T watch porn. Guys don't understand a girl's feelings when he watches porn all the time. It REALLY lowers our self-esteem, makes us question how much we mean to you... Sorry if I'm over reacting but last time I checked when your significant other comes to you with a problem, you should at least show a little bit of concern instead of "not caring".We used to have sex ALL THE TIME, now its just once every couple of days or if were drunk. He doesn't try and turn me on much anymore, just acts like my feelings towards the whole situation don't matter. As long as he has his porn he's happy with himself.Just this morning after waking up, he accidentally left a site open on the desktop. Upset, I told him that if he's going to erase the history from the internet, then he might want to make sure and close all his windows. His response was "yeah well I bought a porn so.."We're a little bit in need of money right now, and he's BUYING PORN?! What should I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): Initiate sex is probably your best way to go. You could also try, perhaps, making your self look more attractive to him?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): Many women hate porn because:
Women are victims of porn. Not just the women in the porn industry, but wives and girlfriends are victims too. Porn isn't just nudity. Most porn, whether soft, medium, or hard-core, is sexual in nature, where the woman is often inviting the viewer, (who happens to be our boyfriend or husband) to come and do her. Strippers tease our boyfriends or husbands in a sexual way. Seriously, how is this not cheating on your girlfriend/mate? Porn also often devalues the wife/girlfriend, by insinuating the wife/girlfriend is a nag, and come get away with us hot girls. How’s that supposed to make us real women feel? When I read a passage in a book about women dumping their ‘old bones lazy couch potato’ husbands, my boyfriend didn’t like it. But, he has no problems with the car commercial where the man asks if he could trade in his wife for a supermodel, or where the flowers in a box talk to the average woman telling her she’s no good and should stay home and read romance novels, because nobody wants to look at her. That’s what porn does to us women. It sends messages to our partners and to us that we are not good enough. The more a guy views porn the more he gets these messages, and how could anyone think those repeated message don’t effect a guy’s psyche? How can anyone think a regular viewer of porn isn't going to subtly change his behavior over the days, months, and years of being inundated with porn and with the messages our media send about women?
Porn is destructive to women. I read a quote in a history book years ago (I thought it was a Howard Zinn book, but maybe not) and I cannot find the exact quote. I found something on the internet that is basically the same quote and it is, “There's a saying from some older culture to the effect that the quickest way to destroy a rival society is to ruin its women.” If anybody knows where this quote if from, please respond.
Porn has been good, in a lucrative way, for plastic surgeons, though. They are making big bucks inserting big silicon, or saline, bags in women’s chests. So many women want to measure up to the porn goddess. Strike that goddess, and let’s call her a porn gorgon, because that’s what she really is behind the all the lights, make-up, plastic surgery, air-brushing, and the fake persona -- there-in lies a gorgon.
Many men don't hate porn, and like porn because:
Men are the victimizers. Victimizers do not feel the pain they inflict. Often victimizers do not much care about the pain they inflict, unless they get caught and have to suffer consequences. One man told me the consequences of going to a stripper were worth it. The consequences were being in an argument with his girlfriend. (Gee whiz women, maybe we need to change up those consequences.)
When one partner cheats, actually has sex with someone else, the cheated-on partner is DEVASTATED. The cheater might feel bad because he or she got caught. Or, if the cheater is particularly empathetic, he or she might feel some empathy for the partner they hurt. But the cheater will NOT feel that ‘horrible hurt’ he or she inflicted on the wounded partner. Most women and men would agree that cheating is wrong and harmful/hurtful to a relationship. But, many men will not agree that porn is harmful/hurtful to a relationship because most men have no clue what the victimization feels like, and they refuse to have a clue. Porn is harmful, and I think it’s biggest harm, is that it interferes with the woman feeling like she has an exclusivity with her partner. Porn steals that lovely feeling of trust, intimacy, and EXCLUSIVITY from way too many women. Truly sad.
Some women have just learned to "put up with it", and say men are hard-wired differently. Men are BRAINWASHED differently. In pre-media cultures, men and women were roaming the earth, mostly naked, and it was no big deal. Now, porn, has made it a big deal due to brainwashing, not due to men being hard-wired differently. All these excuses are being made to excuse men from poor, often perverted, and disrespectful behavior. Puh-lease, wake up and smell the coffee. Of course men like it, it's not hurting them, but it really is and they just can't see it.
That’s just my opinion. I think a lot of porn is sleazy-man oriented and not conducive to a loving intimate relationship. Maybe there is some erotica that isn’t about a sleazy woman giving your husband/boyfriend that “Come f*** me” look, I don’t know. Maybe if men weren’t so invaded by porn, women would be more into creating her own erotica with her man. I would have loved to do that. But now, I’m just not that interested when he gets it elsewhere -- on the internet, TV. It's his loss, and mine too. Our love-life is boring.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): Look guys watch porn, all of them. Yes all of them! Don't be sad. It's the fantasy that men love....I bet you anytnhing he had that porn collection sicne he was 18....and has moved it from hard drive to hard drive (no pun intended)..... Porn is great.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (8 October 2010):
 spending money on something that's free all over the internet is crazy...you can turn this boat around but it'll take some time. ask him what he wants and give it to him conditionally.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (8 October 2010):
 Those guys who you KNOW don't watch porn are lying to you. Most guys do watch it, many just don't admit to it. BUT, just because everyone does it, that doesn't make it right or acceptable in a relationship.
The bigger problem is the fact that he is turing to porn rather than a willing partner. Has he turned you down when you've tried to initiate sex? It's natural for the ammount of sex in a relationship to fade with time. Things tend to get boring. Is there anything you can do to spice things up? Have you tried? Would you be willing to watch some porn with him?
Really, porn is about fantasy to most men. It's a visual stimulus that makes our masturbation easier. It is, like aunt honesty said, nothing about you or that he finds you less attractive. That being said, your BF is starting to exhibit signs of a problem. Spending money you don't have on something like porn is definitely not healthy.
You need to sit him down and calmly tell him why this upsets you. You need him to acknowledge that just because he may not view it as a problem, that doesn't mean it isn't a problem to the relationship. That you want to work past this. If, after such a discussion, he is still dismissing your feelings, then it is time to move on.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 October 2010):
 Well im afraid to tell you that most guys watch porn its just part of being a man, and you say you no a lot of guys that dont but you dont know what they do in there private time and i could guess that they also watch porn, You need to understand that this is fantasy with men its nothing personal to you and it certainly doesnt mean that he finds you unattractive. A guy could have the most perfect and prettiest girlfriend in the world but they still watch porn, its just the fantasy and it doesnt mean that they are thinking of other girls when with you. Its more of a hobby for guys than anything. Taking all this aside though if you dont feel comfortable with this then you cant help how you feel and if he cares about you he will try and make you happy. If it is making you feel insecure then tell him, if he doesn show remorse for your feelings then am afraid he just doesnt care.
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