A
female
age
,
*ubbles 53winks
writes:Hi there well i am getting a divorce from my husband found out he was seeing someone. It has been a year now we have been apart, But my problem is that i have met a great guy who is a widow, we have been together for a month and spoken about his wife who past away very sad, and we have become soul mates, But there was somthing i never asked untill yesterday, And that was how long ago his wife passed away.He was scared to tell me because he said he thought he might lose me, Yes you can guess she only died three months ago. I felt sick, As i have been hurt once and i feel that maybe this is to soon for him.I dont want to sound selfish, Because i have fallen for this guy big time, And i know he has me. But can someone get over someone they loved very much in such a short time.Or is it because he is replaceing his wife with someone else ME ? He talks about our future together but I dont know what to do, Please help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009): I've seen this happen so much it's worth saying. My own experience is- men seem to marry faster than women after divorce/passing. For me, I would still Feel Married and wouldn't feel like dating until I've gone through grieving stages. However, we're all unique, he values your companionship and it was sensitive of him to say he might lose you. The feelings of loss are still there, and as everyone says, take things one day at a time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009): Some men find it very difficult to live without a woman once they've either split from a partner, divorced or been bereaved. There are too many variables to say whether he's replacing her with you, but he's dipping his toes in the relationship pool and obviously trying to move on with his life.
Like Steve says, the mourning process can take a long time, but the 'variable' is whether he's mourning her loss, rejoicing in it or something in between.
If I were you I wouldn't be planning anything long term just yet. Play it by ear one week at a time and simply enjoy each others' company for the time being. I certainly wouldn't dive into a relationship head first in these circumstances. You need to test the water yourself and make sure he's over her - he'll never forget her, obviously - before totally committing yourself to him. I'd recommend keeping things the way they are for about a year, and if things remain good you might like to think of taking things a bit further. Certainly, in the meantime don't give up your house or move in together on a permanent basis. Living with someone is a whole different ball game to seeing them a few times a week as I'm sure you're well aware!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009): Hmmm what an awful situation to find yourself in! On one hand you have found a lovely man who you want to be with, and on the other... well, it's a quandry.My advice would be to discuss this with him. Yes, it is a very sensitive situation but from what you say, you obviously love him very much and when you love someone you want what is best for them. Maybe you could cool your relationship a bit and allow him to properly grieve for his dead wife. I know it's hard but to keep yourself from getting hurt and making sure your relationship is truly genuine, you have to discuss this and hope he responds without denials. 3 monthes is a very short time. Be there for him.I know if I lost my partner, my heart would break with sorrow and 3 monthes would definitly not be enough. But saying that, everyone is different.Loads of luck, I really hope it works out! Remember to follow your intuition.
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