A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating this guy for about 3 or 4 months now. He's two years older than me and will be entering his last semester of graduate school. I'm a junior who still has two years of college left. Anyway, when we first started dating we were fantastic. We got along so well, had a lot of fun together and would constantly stay with each other. I've noticed that things have calmed down, but we're now very comfortable around each other. He has been mentioning lately the fact that he doesn't think he'll be here after December because he doubts he'll get a job offer here. I just agree with his ideas on what to do and back him up. Last week we decided to party a little bit with our friends. We were both drinking and hanging out. However, he started acting weird. When I would come around him he would hide his phone so I couldn't see what he was doing and told me he was just texting a friend or playing a game. Well, it went on for a little longer and then he asked if I wanted to go to his room and go to bed. In the middle of the night I woke up to his phone vibrating. I opened it up to see two texts from his best friend (who is a girl) basically telling him how to break up with me. So I assume that he was being sneaky about his texting earlier that night because he was asking for advice. It said things like, "tell her you need to focus on your career," and "you hope she'll wait for you because you want to ultimately be with her." I threw the phone down and started getting my things together to leave. He woke up and asked me what I was doing and I told him I was leaving. I told him that if he was going to break up with me, he needs to do it to my face. He said he didn't want to and when I showed him the text told me that he doesn't know why she said those things. Once I calmed down, I told him we could talk about it later and we went back to sleep. When we finally talked about it he tells me that when he's drunk he's scared of the thought of commitment. He said he doesn't want to break up with me because he's happy with us, he just feels bad because of how busy he is (and he is really busy, but we've talked about that before and worked it out). He said he gets drunk and starts thinking more about the future and his life, but that really he's happy with us. I've given him multiple opportunities to break up with me and have even tried to do it myself, but he keeps saying he doesn't want to and he wants to continue taking things slow and stay together. I don't know what to do because I still feel really weird about it all. I can't stop thinking about the text his friend sent and now I'm constantly worried that I'll do something to end it. I'm reading more into his actions and thinking everything is changing. What should I do? Is he really wanting to break up or is he just being a typical guy that's scared of the future? I really like him and want to stay with him, but I'm scared he's wanting to break up, but just won't do it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for the advice!
A
male
reader, Lpslancelot +, writes (15 April 2010):
Okay.....lets start here. Just to let you know I am a 25 year old male who has done this to several girls. Please read my words with caution. The answer to your question is yes. He could be doing either. I almost always do this with everygirl that I date. I can almost guarantee you that his "friend girl" likes him or would probably want to date him. He is not dating her he is dating you so that is good, she is not an option but she is a threat. I'll break it down for you as best as I can. He likes you, but he is not obssesed/crazy about you. You are comfortable to him. He knows that if he dates you then he can have someone that he likes around and does not have to bother with finding another good genetic match. Here is what you can do, make him fight for you. Make him jealous!!! I know this sounds cruel but this is what he needs to decide if he just like you or is in love with you. I know that sounds like bull crap but their is no other way. Best way to go about doing this. Make a new best friend with a cool guy. Don't cheat on your boyfriend or do anything to cross the line, just being friends and hanging out should send the message. Once guys get the chance to fight (figurative) they normally fall in love. He is not scared of the future that is a lie. Guys being scared of the future does not effect how they feel about their girl friend. That is a blow off answer. In my experience though, girls tend to fall in love with the new cool friend so beware. By the way, making a new friend with a "cool guy" is easy. Just tell him he is cool and he is all yours.
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