A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help me I'm very confused about my relationship of 15 months.He has two kids from his prev relationship of 8 years. We don't live together but he is at my place every night. For majority of the time we get along good and I really love him, he says he loves me too. About 3 months ago we started making plans to move in together. I have my own mortgage on a little flat, so the plan was I'd rent that flat out and then we'd rent somewhere together. For a start i earn about £250 more than him a month, plus I don't have children to pay out for. His ex said that when they split up he would pay off the loan they had together (£150 a month - shes still got the stuff that they brought with the loan money in her house) and that would be his maintenance money for the kids. Then when we started going out and going places together she went to CSA, so now he is stuck paying both maintenance and the loan that they agreed he would pay.If I say anything about it, it causes rows cos he says he doesn't care if she is well off, it's all going towards his kids. So fair enough. But cause I earn more than him I frequently offer to go halves when we are with the kids etc.in fact I often offer to pay for things, and we go halves on a lot of stuff.He is living at his mum's - he goes to hers after work, gets changed and showered and everything then comes down to mine later on. We go halves on the shopping each week but i don't ask and he doesn't offer to give me any money towards the bills as it is agreed that he doesn't really use my utilities as he gets showered etc at home. He also says that if he gives me money towards my bills, then he will have no money left each month to live the lifestyle that we do each weekend (go out for meals, days out etc) and he says he spends £150 a week on miscellaneous stuff.We have always had a bit of firey relationship and just recently we've started rowing about money. My job is 35 miles away and on friday evening I broke down and rung him to pick me up - he was quite grumpy and agitated about this and was off with me until about 9 pm that night. I said "thank you" etc, etc, but he says I don't appreciate him. This is also cause he cooks everynight and I don't. Well anyway the week before we had some nasty rows and I slagged his ex off (admittedly cause i'm jealous) and he said we're not moving forward as I'm living in his past. He is also a jealous person and has caused loads of rows about being jealous, so its not just me and anyway i think i have calmed down a lot to what i was like before.Just to give you the background - he likes me to go with him when he has his kids cause he says he sees us as a family etc. and I am good to them and have a fairly good bond, he has admitted this to me. BUT we rowed on saturday cause the week before he demanded half for a cheap meal cause he said he needs to get out of his overdraft before we move in together. But then we took the kids to this amusement park and I had said originally that morning that i would pay half with him to get in as he had paid for our takeaway the night before, and I had also offered to give him some money for petrol for coming to pick me up 35 miles at my work. And also that was said to try and pacify him as he was a bit miffed about it all. the next day i hadn't got any cash out from the cash point so I said I would put the full £30 on my card and he could get the drinks snacks etc. Well anyway we got there and it was £50 to get in. He said still put £30 on your card and I will pay the remaining £20. Fair enough, but he had said to me that he wanted to get out of his overdraft - I didn't know why we couldn't leave and go somewhere else. this caused a massive row as he said he didn't want to let his kids down they were looking forward to going in the amusement park. Anyways later on, he admitted to me that cause we are rowing so much, he wants to hang back on moving in together as he doesn't think it is the right time!! this is the 2nd time this has happened. he said we shouldn't be hardly rowing at all (once a month if that) if we're going to move in together.His ex and he never rowed so I guess he sees that as the way forward, but they never worked out anyways and he has admitted that this was possibly because they didn't discuss issues.So anyways today my work colleague has said that he is "having his cake and eating it" and "dangling a carrott in front of me" with regards to the moving in business and why should I commit to him and his kids when he is not doing the same with me. She said I should tell him if you want to take a step back, then that's what we'll do - you don't come to my flat every night and we'll have a few nights away. My colleague said this will gain me back control of the situation so that he is not throwing me the scraps and dictating how this relationship goes.I'm so confused - frightened of losing him if I tell him that, and also wondering if he really is having his cake and eating it by living rent free at his mums and at mine? He does help me housework round the flat and also cooks for me every night as well as let me borrow his car when mine needs fixing. But is this enough? Is he using me? Am i being dumb by accepting the scraps he is giving me? I sometimes feel that I love him more than he loves me but I couldn't tell you why.Please help.....
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cheap, his ex, jealous, money, split up Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (12 April 2011):
 Personally I still feel you both need to sit down and discuss this together, like adults.
Money is probably a bigger problem in relationships than infidelity, so you need to sort this out quickly.
Sit down and work out your expenses, for both of you, do it in columns with a pen and paper or a spreadsheet (easier), and who now pays for what. I dont think the fact he baths at his mothers should impact on who pays utilities at your house, that is really splitting hairs, he still uses power to see by and water to wash his hands and flush the loo doesnt he?
As for him still paying off the loans, and his wifes actions when she heard about you, they are understandable, possibly not the right thing to do, but understandable, I would probably have done the same thing myself, and its good he is willing to make sure his kids via his ex, are doing okay.
However, that doesnt mean he has no responsiblity towards making sure you and he are also doing okay. By sitting down together and working out finances you will both be able to see where money is going and determine who should be responsible for what. That way if you do take the kids out for a special treat they will be aware its your special treat, and not to be expected every access weekend. To do other wise will build an expectation within them for special treats from their father and his g/f as the norm, rather than treats.
Sorry if this is mangled a little, but I am sure you get my drift.
Good luck with it
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011): OP here - don't think I explained myself well enough last time.He was renting a flat when I met him. He moved back home to his mum's in order to save for another property. this was the same month we got together. Well needless to say he hasn't saved a penny because we have been going places together and hasn't been able to do both. It has just turned into limbo where he comes to mine each evening.he does pay for his kids but I often offer to pay, but saturday just wound me up. He hasn't got a poor credit rating. When he and his ex were together they took out a loan, but it was in his name. When they split up he let her keep the stuff that the money brought (i.e. new fridge freezer, TV etc)and the agreement was that he would pay that loan instead of paying her Child Support. however, when she saw that we were going out all the time, she went to the CSA and got an extra £150 out of him on top of him paying the loan.Hope this makes things clearer. I am still confused. My heart says hes a good man, but I am also feeling a bit gutted that he could be taking me for a ride.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (11 April 2011):
Why is your paying for his kids a regular thing, why isnt it a special occassion thing, like for birthdays etc. If he wants to take his kids to an amusement park well he can bloody well pay for it! And if he cant afford it well he needs to take his kids to the local park with a ball, or out for pizza followed by a video or something more within HIS budget.
I think its time you both sat down with pen and paper and worked out who is financially responsible for what, break it down to fortnightly or monthly amounts dont forget to put down the actual costs as well, eg, house and contents insurance paid by Joe $120 per year is $10 per month, electicity @ $20 per month each pay half, rent paid by Liz @ $250 per month kids entertainment $40 per month paid by Joe,etc etc.
By putting it all down on paper and formalising the arrangments you will be able to work out if what is currently happening is a fair division of the costs, or if some costs need to be pared back somehow.
If he refuses to play ball do it without him, and if the discrepancy is as big as I think it might be you will at least have some cold hard facts to approach him with.
You need to sort this out before it becomes all encompassing and ruins the relationship. Of course, if he isnt interested in a fair division of the costs the relationship will be doomed anyway.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 April 2011):
 Honestly, here is how I see it. The kids are HIS responsibility, financially, morally and emotionally. So if HE wants to take HIS kids to the amusement park HE PAYS. It almost seems like he invited you along to pay the bill.
Honestly, who can't he move in with you? Even if it's small it should be fine with 2 people at least til you have the financial plan for the future & a budget for a home together. If you have a little flat of your own why are you at your moms? That is a little confusing.
I agree with DrPsych - you two are fighting over petty stuff & money.
To be very frank, I don't think he's very financially stable. If he moved from his & his wife's house into his mom and he is STILL there? That says something about him. To me it scream "take care of me" a mile away. I mean it's OK to have to move home to the parents for a shorter term, but an adult should be taking care of having a home of their own (if you ask me).
The only good things I can see about this guy is his love for his kids and the fact that he cooks every night. Other than that... he really doesn't sound like a winner. Personally if I was young and single (without kids) I would NOT date a guy with kids. So much drama and past baggage ( and no I don't mean the children .)
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (11 April 2011):
 It is time to wind in those heart-strings and start thinking with your head. You are rowing with this man now and often over petty things. Imagine what it is going to be like if you moved in with him full-time!!! It may sound all romantic but the idea of giving up your own home with a mortgage to live in a rented flat with him is madness. From a practical point of view, you are the only person on the freehold/ leasehold of the home you have at the moment. If you get a rented place, it will probably be in joint names. If you decide to leave him, you won't be going back to your home as it will be tenanted. By getting any joint legal arrangements with him like a tenancy then you are taking a big risk. He obviously has commitments to his kids and a limited financial situation. If his ex took him to CSA and chased him for loans then doesn't that alarm bell start ringing in your head? Sure, she maybe a monster but she was good enough for him to have kids with...and you may not have the full set of facts. At the moment your man really does have cake and is eating it for all it is worth. Imagine if you have children with him in the future...who pays for them if he struggles to support his brood already? Imagine you have joint financial arrangements with him? Who gets lumbered with the debt and bad credit rating if the romance fails and he does a runner? He has a history of poor money management by the sounds of it, and you may not even know the full extent of his debts. It already sounds as if there are resentments in your relationship about lots of things. Giving up your financial security for the 'pleasure' of living with a man that you are already technically part-time living with sounds like a terrible plan.
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