A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I have a new relationship type of problem and it's gonna take a bit of explaining so if anyone has the time to read and offer their opinion I'd be most grateful.So. Bit of background first - I've been single for for the last 18+ months after my last relationship ended when I discovered my bf had been lying/cheating on me the whole duration of our time together. Was horrible period of my life but over that now and have recently got involved with a new man who I met through a friend.This friend (lets call her Liz) is someone I have known casually for over a year and although I consider her very good fun she is not someone I would trust all that much. In our social circle she has gained a bit of a reputation for being a 'chancer' social climber and someone who doesn't pay her way. This is perhaps an aspect of her personality but apart from that I do think she is ok and actually enjoy her company. The man that I have recently become involved with is her ex.. Lets call him John.Liz and John were together for 5 years, and friends for a year before that. In the end Liz left John for another man whom she stayed with for 2 years before leaving him for someone else and has now been with her current man Dave for the last 16 months. She is very much in love with Dave and they are planning to get married. However, Liz and John are still close friends - indeed this is how I came to meet John, one night I went to meet Liz and Dave for a drink and they were in the company of John. I'd met John before and thought him attractive but aloof, and to be frank, the fact he was Liz's ex prevented me from being further curious about him.That night though, we ended up talking and it turned out we really had quite a lot in common. Fun stuff like sharing the same particular taste in music, having a love for single malt whisky and well.. that was about it, but it did feel pretty significant at the time. ;) We all got very drunk that night, a group of us going back to Johns house near by for more drinks and I noticed as the night wore on he was sitting closer to me, 'putting the moves on' you could say. I hadn't had sex in ages and thought, 'what the hell' and let him seduce me. It was fun and enjoyable, he left me in his house in the morning as he had to go to work. Liz and Dave were also staying over at his house in the spare room so once Dave also left, me and Liz had breakfast. She seemed genuinely enthused that me and her ex had hit if off. I downplayed it because at that point I wasn't really sure what to make of the situation.We hadn't exchanged numbers but I sent him a short facebook message to say that I'd had a nice time.. He replied saying he'd like to see me again before he went away the following week to Malaysia for 5 days (for his work) We met up for dinner, had a good laugh together, got drunk and ended up back at his again.So, when he was away we corresponded on FB a bit, then he came over to mine for dinner when he got back before he headed off to Spain for a 4 day holiday. Since then we've spent a couple of other evenings together , last weekend the whole afternoon before I went to work he cooked for me, took me for a lovely walk and was generally very caring and sweet towards me.We've had no discussion about our 'status' as a couple, I do think it may be a bit early for that? Basically, I am having reservations because although the more time I spend with him, the more I am coming to like him, I am worried he is not over Liz.I know their relationship is ancient history, and there is no danger of them getting back together but it's just a niggling feeling that their is some sort of residual desire there.. He still meets her for lunch, I noticed he still has a lighter in his bathroom that has "I love you" written on it. I know that's just a wee thing, but really it was years ago that they split. Why would he still keep that? Also when doing a bit of 'research' (or stalking , whatever you want to call it..) that in his FB posts on her wall for her birthday he gave her a couple of X's. I suppose I have only been seeing him for a matter of weeks but when we text he doesn't ever put an X on the message. I don't either to be fair but I'm kind of old fashioned in that sense and tend to think it's better to let the guy lead with that sort of thing. He doesn't contact me all that frequently either, maybe every few days but that is perhaps normal at the start of a relationship? Maybe he is just taking it slowly..We've talked about Liz a few times and I asked him if he's still bitter. He said no, but that he was very annoyed with her for a couple of years. He doesn't particularly bring her up in conversation but she does naturally come up from time to time as we socialize with her, and sometimes one or the other of us will get a text from her when we're together and mention it. I raised the topic of her bad reputation and he conceded that she has always been very selfish and mercenary, though he thinks her personality has deteriorated over the last few years because when they lived together in his home city, she was apparently well liked. She's taken quite a lot of ecstasy in the last few years and he says this has affected her personality. John also has a strong dislike for Liz's best female friend, and when I asked Liz about this she said it was because they went out together taking lots of drugs and partying together and John thought she had a detrimental affect on his relationship with Liz. It struck me as odd that he should still have such a strong dislike of Liz's friend now, years after he split up with Liz. No?There's lots of little things. I wonder in my more paranoid moments if John isn't just trying to make Liz jealous because he knows how much she actually likes me. She had been telling him for months before he even met me about this girl she'd met who was so great etc etc, which John said was unusual for Liz as she previously had quite a bad attitude to most females.One last thing. Liz and I, we couldn't be more different. She is exuberant, very quick and witty, where as I am more reserved and quiet. Although she is 8 years older than me she is still very attractive with a tiny petite frame and a massive chest. I'm tall, pear shaped with a wee waist but not much on top! John has never yet said anything to me, like 'you're sexy/gorgeous/lovely' or whatever, and even though we have had sex many times and I can tell he enjoys it, I just sense a lack of urgent desire there. It COULD be me being paranoid, it could be the fact that I have a very high libido and he's just not as 'into' sex as I am, but I'm concerned about this. On all sorts of levels. Actually one night I drunkenly asked Liz about Johns libido and she suggested that he was a "typical scorpio male" if you know anything about astrology, you'll know what that means. i.e Very sexual indeed.Incidentally, Liz is very pleased to hear about me and John spending time together, though I have tried to avoid speaking to her about it, except once or twice when I was drunk which I know was a mistake.. but she is undoubtedly delighted for me and John.I'm painfully aware that because in my previous relationship I was spectacularly lied to it has tainted my ability to fully accept someone at face value and I do not want to ruin what could potentially be an amazing new relationship because of this 'baggage'. I am just terrified of having someone take advantage of me again. My intuition is saying that something is not right here, and I have wished that I had listened to my intuition in the past, buuuuut I'm so confused now because I don't know if it's my intuition or 'past hurt paranoia' playing up.Should I pursue this relationship, is he over his ex, is he comparing me to his and not fancying me sexually (because of my comparable lack of breast!), is he just using me to get at his ex, I have so many questions.Please don't tell me to come clean as I do not want to discuss my awful previous relationship with him. I also do NOT want to let him know in any way that I feel insecure about Liz. I just don't want to give him that information.I suppose I should also add, he has recently been offered a job in his home city (he's from ireland, and we are living in scotland) He's been wanting to go home for years but when he was telling me about this job offer it sounded like he wasn't keen on taking it because he's just recently been promoted at his current job and has a good work environment. Also he is a musician in his free time and has recently forged a new musical alliance that he is keen to pursue so maybe he doesn't want to go home. Maybe he likes me too? Or maybe he doesn't want to leave the city where Liz is leaving. Or maybe he's keeping me at a distance because he is potentially going to leave soon.I don't know...Oh, I'm confused. I am longing for a meaningful relationship and John is someone who could potentially be an amazing partner. He has said himself that he thinks we get on very well, and it's true we do. It all just seems so risky though!Please someone help? I know it's hard to get a true picture of a situation from a few garbled paragraphs but I'd appreciate any views from anyone who managed to read all of this. Hope it made some sort of sense.Thanks.
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drugs, drunk, exchanged numbers, facebook, her ex, his ex, insecure, jealous, libido, period, petite, split up, stalking, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2011): OP here, thanks to both of you for taking time to respond.I'm trying to be calm about this of course.. I am careful not to reveal my neurosis to John, I don't contact him unless he contacts me and generally just enjoy his company when we're together. t's just a new scary thing that is hard not plague my mind when we're apart. People don't really 'date around' in the UK, and at this point I wouldn't feel right about seeing anyone else even though the topic of exclusivity hasn't been raised. I mean, I'm sleeping with him so I don't want to be confusing the matter by involving anyone else!But I also don't want to let myself like him if he's not over Liz, as I've been so burnt before and just don't want to put myself in that position again.Meh..
A
female
reader, Yetilicious  +, writes (5 April 2011):
 Well, it's hard to say for sure, but I don't think John still wants to be with Liz. If he hadn't moved on, there would be no way he'd be able to hang out with her and her boyfriend (whom she is considering marrying), let alone let them stay in his spare bedroom. To me it just seems like a friendship. As for the sexual stuff, you both had sex before you were attached to each other. The urgency to have sex with you will probably grow when he develops more feelings for you. This is the very beginning, it's clear to me that he enjoys being with you, sent you a message about wanting to see you again before he leaves on a trip, cooking for you, doing other sweet things. I would hang out with him for a month and see how things go, if you like him enough and he still enjoys spending time with you and initiates hanging out etc... I would have the relationship talk. Good luck, I hope you let us know how things go!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2011): Who cares what his motives are. Worrying about it does nothing for you, in fact men can feel that and it's a man repellent. Whatever his motives, they are something you have absolutely no control over. Go out with him and date other men having fun with whoever you're with, until an exclusive commitment has been agreed upon by both parties. You cannot own another person, that's called slavery. Have fun with him and force yourself to think about something else than him for all the times you think about him during the day. Think about how wonderful you are, and how any man would be lucky to have you, instead! If this guy doesn't work out, it wasn't meant to be. Let it roll off of your back.
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