A
female
age
51-59,
*a_senorita
writes:I'm 38 and been dating a single dad now for just under 3 months. We've had apassionate dating relationship for the first 2 months and we are have so much incommon. He verbally treats with with the utmost respect and is very consideratewhen we're together. Even though we had sex on our 3rd date he still wines and dines me, takes me dancing out to lunch and to the movies and always makes sure weboth had fun. We both have this thing about positive thinking and we try tobounce off eachother. He has had a successful business for the last 20 years and works weird hours and in between is able to enjoy days off with his son who is 3years old. I too have a 15 year old son. When it comes to planing dates (as wecall it) I noticed he would fit me into to his calendar and thats how we'vedated ever since (mainly on his terms). He also has made a point of notintroducing me to his friends which for now I'm fine with whilst we're taking itslow. We both sms eachother wonderful affectionate messages and he's made mefeel quite special. He told me we had chemistry and he's even bought me atoothbrush for when I stay at his house. We only see each other twice a week andhe makes sure he keeps the interest there by telling me he wants to take meoverseas, and he's never felt like this about anyone before, tells me he missesme and that I make him feel like a 16 year old. After 2 months we came to a crossroad. He had a day in court over custody of his son which did not go his way. Inoticed from that moment he started pulling back and didn't hear from him for acouple of days. When we next spoke I told him I would be there for him I justdidn't want him shutting me out and letting it affect us. He was open intelling me that he didn't want to dramas with his ex being part of thefoundation of our relationship and in the next breath he said he had been thinkingof taking time-out from one another for a few months till he sorted himself outbut he didn't want to do that however, a week later after noticing he's distancein calls and sms's I asked him if where we were headed and what exactly were we(trying to define the relationship) He couldn't quite answer my questiondirectly and told me we should take things slow and let things unfold. When we’retogether he is quite the gentleman, charming, respectful, considerate,compassionate and very supportive. Now and then he’ll send me affectionate sms’s and tell me he’s missing me when we haven’t seen each other for a few days. Wehave been nicknaming each other lovers for the last 2 months as I didn't want toput any pressure as I too am happy to take things slow. Just don't want it to bebased on false hopes. Over the next week or so there was the game playing and Ihad to pull back a bit myself. I notice he's calls and sms's became less and not asaffectionate. We normally catch up twice a week but this particular weekneither of us initiated a date. After 5 days he rang and told me I was almost astranger and the conversation was distant between us. We had organized to catchup over the weekend. I'm rather confused over one particular msg where he hadsaid he was sorry about the way things are and he was trying to sort it out and didnot know what it was going to take to do that as it is new ground. He was (I’mguessing) referring to the ex wife issues (as she is constantly lashing out athim) and it tells me that he's sorry that it’s not fair on me. I didn't want toadd to the pressure so I never brought it up. When I saw him on the weekendthings between us we so distant, I felt as if I no longer knew who he was. Nextmorning I just had a bad gut feeling and I was a mess. I went and sat in a parkfor 3 hours thinking a reading all sorts of dating advice print outs trying tofind answers. After 3 tearful hours I decided I needed time to think aboutthings so I sms'd him telling him I was hurt and confused. I also told him we bothneeded time out as I understood he is emotionally unstable right now and didn'tneed me around to make matter worse. He responded 'I understand, I'm sorry'. It’s been 5 long hard days since and I'm not really sure how much time and space Ishould give him and whether or not he is worth pursuing as I have developed strongfeelings for him and he knows it. I just find communication really difficult withhim and I need to know how he feels about me. But most importantly I can'thandle the fact that he's pulled back so suddenly. Is it to do with his wife orbecause I tried to define the relationship and it was bad timing. I sense he hasa trust issue and is afraid of getting hurt. He's a successful business man he and his ex were together for 4 years and now she's trying to get a large sum from himthat he has worked for all his life. I understand this and can't blame him forbeing cautious however I also need to look after myself. I need some guidance and clarity. Are these comments considered Red flags?I'm good at pretending, we all areYou’ll never forget meI know you think about me when we're apart but feel fine when we're togetherMy son is the only one who fulfills my lifeI want to take you overseas and meet your relativesMentioned a weekend away. Hasn't mentioned it since after the first monthNo expectations! No disapointments!Please Help!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, billy b  +, writes (13 May 2007):
Hi,
My advice would be to pull back from this relationship and get some clarity. To be honest it sounds as though you have very intense feelings for this man, but in all honesty you are still at the beginning of getting to know the new man in your life, and he also is getting to know you. I expect this man has feelings for you, but in my experience men tend to shut down and focus on their problems as they arise. Meaning, he may just be feeling unsure of his future in regard to his son, and feels he owes it to himself and his son to focus on the issues currently impacting upon his life. I'm sure he is painting his ex as a money grabber, whatever the history between him and her, and the child, he will need to work it out for himself. My advice would be to stop getting so het-up about things, give yourself some space and time away from your relationship so you can take the pressure off one another. Obviously, I am not saying lose touch, but you will find that if he cares and misses you like he says in his past messages, then he wont be lost to you, in fact his feelings will be stronger. As long as you le him know you are there for him, but will give him time (no pressure) to also be in the midst of a emotional relationship, you will both be able to think more clearly, and hopefully get back to the process of finding out about each other as your relationship progresses. Once you have some clarity (meaning remove the emotional component) do you have shared values, ideals, aims for the future, these are th factors that will impact upon the future of your relationship. Hope this helps x
A
female
reader, Cateyes  +, writes (13 May 2007):
 Sounds as if you 2 hit it off quite well. However, I think because he has some "issues" still pending with the ex, it's just to hard for him to handle his job, the ex, his child...and then you. I don't think it's not that he doesn't want you in his life, but that he just can't handle it all...and most men can't in my opinion. It's like this, you know when the kids are screaming and you have to cook, wash clothes, clean the house, still take a shower, and have it all done by 5pm...somehow it gets done, right? With him, only 1 or 2 things may get done...that's all he can do with out screaming himself!! Being patient is not one of my favorite words, because I know it all to well that it's hard, but you need to. I don't think you should be waiting on his call to go out or anything, I think you should move on with your life AND if he does get his life together then fine go out and have fun. I also think that HE needs to let you know where this relationship is heading if he does contact you so you won't be out in limbo not knowing...because I understand if he does not want to pursue something, you need to move on. I think HE needs to be very clear with you so there are not any mind games...those are the worst!!! As he needs to be honest with you, you need to be honest with him. As far as being hurt, we ALL have been hurt in some way with a loved one. Hopefully, he is REALLY over it. As far as trust issues, again, we ALL have those issues to, but he needs to break the wall down here if he wants to pursue something. He can't keep it up forever, and to me it sounds up. IF you have been very honest with him since the beginning, he should see this and will want to pursue something...I wish you the best of luck...Let me know how things work out!!
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