A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a question. I have always doubted my ex husband's sexuality. Let me tell you why I always doubted. When I was dating him, he told me about this gay guy who wrote and send him love letters. He would say it in a surprised way and stated he even stoped reading them. He had this college friend who was his "hang out" buddy. I got to meet him, he was so feminine in his ways. I asked my ex if he (himself) was gay. He would always say no. This fruity friend used to stay over at my ex's place. One time, his mother expressed how uncomfortable she felt about that "friend" because he seemed to be so gay. My ex stood really quiet and didn't answer. There was this other gay looking guy who used to always find my ex around the college campus. Later, I find out that this one also had a stay over at my ex husband's place. Sadly, my ex confided in me and cofessed that he was molested by a male family member when he was a child. During our marriage I would notice his impotence problem at the age of 23! He used to leave me sleeping alone in the room while he slept in the living room. His excuse was that I used to argue a lot before going to bed. When I wanted to reconcile he would reject me. Time passed by and we would meet for casual sex. I loved him and accepted all of his emotional blows towards me. He then walked out of me and his child to live alone. My question is did my marriage fail because my ex was "confused" or had hidden tendencies? or could it be that he was bisexual? He did get to meet another woman, a woman he cheated on with me! She told me they were together "on and off". I am so confused. Can somebody please help me unscramble this?! I am wondering why did my marriage fail, was it my fault? I've seen so many men out there with difficult wives, who tries to resolve things one way or another, but not by walking out like he did! He walked out, leaving behind a family...a home and I just can't get out of that abandonment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): You latest followup posting is heartbreaking to read. I am so sorry. You were in an abusive relationships and that was very damaging to your spirit and soul. I mentioned self-esteem for a reason....because abused victims do question their own self worth. You looked to your husband to love you and be your greatest ally, but his behaviors made you feel inferior, incapable, and probably even crazy. You managed to stand up to him and say no...this was your objective, rational side telling you that what was happening was very wrong. With your ex gone, now is the time to recover and heal. Do not communicate with this man. Please take good care of yourself and surround yourself with more positive support and love from friends, family. This will be a long process, this healing transition but you will be okay and I know the strength and love for this child will pull you through. Think about counseling...please. Never be embarrassed to ask for help..they give wonderful enlightenment and share so much wisdom. I, myself have sought counseling when my marriage ended. These are amazing people. With counseling, they show and guide you. You will begin to get stronger and you get more focus in your own life, and with that comes an easier timer pursuing your own priorities and goals. With your ex gone now, you will have the mental space to be able to think about what you want.Relationships with others friends, family in your life will greatly improve. Cherish that. With your ex out of the picture, you will have much greater control over the quality and content of your life and the atmosphere you are living in. You will eventually attain a greater belief in your own capability and competence in life. I sense after what you've been through, perhaps a bit of depression or symptoms of depression overtook you. Perfectly understandable. You lived in a very unhappy marriage, and many of us who go through that suffer from such an oppressive sadness. You are now free of this man, it's time to live again. With healing, you will likely feel more positive about yourself, but you have to reach out to that support system. Just like you have here, by writing in for advisement. Come back and talk to us anytime...this is a safe warm place to be. Hugs to you and please, take care of yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell irish49, you're right. I experienced the worst I ever thought I would. I think back and wish I never met that man. But I have a child I trully enjoy. I thank god for planning him. My ex never wanted my pregnancy, a couple of months after announcing my pregnancy, he disappeared. Where was he? contemplating suicide at a NY bridge. I met the wrong guy. My child is beyond his toddler years, and thinking back my ex was never part of his life. Instead, my ex used the court system to get rights he never used. He does not come to see his child. Better for me the counted rarely times my child see him,my child's behavior changes to irritability and tantrums. My ex used the courts to get back at me for putting him on child support. Or to see me beg and cry in front of a judge and lawyers just because I didn't want him to take my child. He was an infant at the time and I was going through severe post partum depression. My ex knew but acted carelessly. Yes, I went through hell. Hell when he abandoned me, when he rejected me as a woman, that night when he kicked me and my child out of the apartment into the street in a rage, when he would take me to then let me go without reasons, lonely nights with a sick child in a hospital, the loss of my father and hearing my ex's uncompassionate remarks of my father, the death of my father and a divorce put upon me at the same time, the loss of my home and what could have been a family, restless court dates followed by manipulation, humiliation from ex husband, photos of happy days that no longer exist, a child...an abandoned innocent child, working on my own and missing my baby yet no compassion from his part, the other woman shows up and here I am accepting him knowing of her existance, he shows up with marks on his neck and here I am trying to win his love back, and that broken home....he cursed at me, calling me a bit*ch, belittled me to the status of a prostitute and when I confronted the other woman...he mocked me in front of her, said horrible things about me and stood with her while writting terrifying text messages to me. Why so much hate against me??? It's been a long road. Until one day, I stood up and rejected his proposals. I told him I was not going to take the blame anymore. I told him to move on with his life and leave me alone. It felt good. For the first time I said NO. Months passed and he was nowhere in my child's life. Later, he decides to appear with a fresh look on his face, he didn't last long in my home. My life continues alone with my child. I cherish my baby for his great company, and I cherish my job which I found at the right time, just when I was unemployed and left with a child and bills to pay. I continue hopelss in a way because I haven't had the opportunity to understand that not all men are the same. I feel alone (partner wise)I am afraid to get hurt again, my sense of trust is distorted. Yes, I still hold a grudge. A terrible grudge. I feel I could have made a better choice, that perhaps the signs were already there and I didn't pay attention to them. I feel cheated. Knowing the man he is now, I would have never laid an eye on him. I live an extremely non social life. I just day dream and see myself walking hand in hand with a great man and my son. A man who would love me and accept my child, to be the caring and dedicated father my son needs. I come to a point where I wake up and doubt my dreams ever coming true. I fear to remain alone for the rest of my life, stained with the memories of a monster. Reading back on this post, I am surprised of what my life turned out to be. Something I never expected or wished for. Did this happened to me? Time went by me so fast with so many horrible things. Is this my life? oh god help me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): Was it 'your' fault!? Why would you think this way? He cheated on you and he abandoned you. I have to ask this....Did this ex-husband of yours ever justify his abandonment behaviors, by magnifying your failures as his wife? If he did, that was very wrong, wasn't it. I ask that because for some reason you could be thinking you were to blame. You really need to stop internalizing that self-blame, as being the big indisputable fact., here. You need to be strong and objective here.
Is it reasonable that you should blame just yourself for this thing that has happened? No, because it takes two to tangle, as they say, and there is always some measure of 'shared blame' for all marriage break ups. Sometimes, there are situations where the blame should tajke more on their shoulders and from what you said in your posting, sounds like he wouldn't win the husband of the year award, here. You were married to lousey husband! .
If you examine objectively what has occurred, you might begin to see yourself as a 'victim' of your husband's irresponsibility rather than a 'failure 'at the game of marriage and love. You need to know that you are still a valuable, loveable person, and someday you will believe that. You need to get strong here and start believing in you again.
He's your ex now..forget about him. Do not worry about whether he was gay , bi-curious or whatever. That's not your problem anymore. If you have a child together, then your only connection should be, conferring about the child's well being, visitations and child support payments... for his responsibility to this child. That's it. But I can sense from your posting, especially the end of it...you are a women who was deeply hurt to the core...he likely took a hell of a good stab at your low self-esteem.
So I just don't understand why so many women take on the the full responsibility for the behavior of an unfaithful, uncaring spouse. You, the wounded partner, the person who was clearly the victim of this irresponsibility — is now suffering the greatest pangs of guilt and feelings of inferiority. And this type of thing, just doesn't happen to women...a lot of men who have bad wives, get emotionally damaged as well.
You need to get your self-esteem back up to running order and put take the blame off your shoulders, now. It takes pure grit and courage to think the other way, and climb back up. If you find this hard, you need to see a counselor. They will definitely put it all in perspective for you. But really, you need to start believing in yourself once again and take back what was lost, when this man abandoned you and his child. I am sorry, hun... and I do wish you the best. Take care of yourself-take care of that lovely child of yours...and get your self-love back up and running. Good luck, hun! xx
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