A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I asked this question a couple of days ago about planning to meet a man I met online http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-he-rushing-things-or-am-i-over.htmlI've decided to cancel the trip for next month just to see how he'd react to it. He seemed a bit disappointed but suggested that we can come up with a plan to see each others in 5 months. I suggested that he'd come to my city (instead of us having to travel somewhere where we don't know anyone) and he seemed okay with it but he thought that he's going to stay at my place (I live in a shared flat) but I told him that he can't because my flatmates and I agreed from the beginning that no guests are allowed to stay in, so he has to book his own hotel room. He was okay with it and told me that he can spend 3 days in my city, I don't know if he will try to come up with plans that requires us to stay alone so he initiates sex aka Netflix and chill. If he does, would that mean that he's really only looking for sex? Do you think what I did was correct (postponing to see his reaction, letting him come to my city, not allowing him to stay in)? Would a man who's only looking for sex accept all those changes just because he wants to show me that he's a good man or is he really genuinely interested in me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2022): Whether he is just after sex is hard to say. What other options has he got? Is he an eternal optimist who believes that if you meet up he will look so great and be so oozing with smiles and chat you will want sex with him, or is he more realistic where he would know that is unlikely to happen?
Is he good looking and young and easily able to get someone else or are you his only option for it where he takes the risk it goes wrong because he has nothing to lose?
But you also ought to be asking yourself what the point is to a long distance thing with him if it means you only meet maybe once a year? What is the point?
You owe him nothing. But you are worried that if you go back on what you said and put obstacles up you will lose him. You only want him as an online friend but feel you should meet anyway to keep him interested. That won't work. Once he has met you, if he fancies you, he will find it very difficult and too much like hard work and a waste of time to just chat online again. If you only want an online thing you must say that now and stick to it and if he disappears just accept it and move on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2022): I think that in your heart you don't feel comfortable with this man and why should you?
There is no obligation on your part to meet him!
You could tell him it's over and you are moving on.
I think he most certainly will expect sex.
I think that's exactly what he wants.
Fortunately you are protected by having flat mates.
The thing that strikes me as odd is that you partly feel as if you owe him sex because you communicated a long time via the internet.
That actually means nothing at all.
You don't owe him anything.
You want him in friendzone really so just shut friendzone down by seeing that he sees it as a potential sex thing.
You don't owe anyone anything.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (8 May 2022):
 You only postponed the inevitable for 4 months. You did not clearly communicate. You are giving him hidden tests (S**t tests).
If you want to have a romantic relationship, you are going to need to be able to clearly communicate about sex. It is obvious to me that you are not, in any way, ready for a romantic relationship.
ps. A s**t test is really to see how much of your S**t the man will put up with. The fact that he agreed to your terms is evidence that he failed the test. In a normal relationship you would ghost him soon.
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A
female
reader, RitaBrown  +, writes (7 May 2022):
It's really impossible for us to say whether he's just interested in sex or whether he's genuinely interested in you. Perhaps both. You know him much better than we do... That's the trouble with many long distance internet relationships
My experience of guys who JUST want sex is that they constantly push for it. Conversations will always come round to sex, they'll want racy photos or sexy stories. And if you drag it out for months on end before meeting, they'll lose interest.
Now this guy has been happy to talk to you for months and months so I think he probably is genuinely interested in yo (as much as someone who's never met you can be) but I think he also hopes for sex when you meet.
Stop dragging it out though, if you're interested in this guy, make proper plans to meet him. If it were me, I would go to visit him and book myself a hotel.
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