A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: have been going out with my man for nearly four months. He is 44 and has been single for five years.We get along great and I love everything about him so far except this issue. He hardly ever makes plans to see me.We see each other every weekend. I usually drive over on a friday and then we'll spend saturday and sunday together too. I usually drive over to him because I come home on the saturday to feed my cat.He is a mechanic and often does private jobs after his normal working hours (8-5) so will sometimes be at work until 8 in the evening. We have never seen each other every night, but the first month of the relationship he did ask to come and see me a bit more often. Now I just usually get once in the week.One week it was three days before i saw him so i was a bit frosty in my messages (by the way he messages me constantly throughout the day and night - always a good morning message) and he immediately said "Are you in? I will come over" I then sat him down and explained to him that I would feel happier if he made plans to see him. I said that I didn't expect to see him every night but I'd really like it if he at least said on a monday "hey babe what are you doing on thursday?" etc. He agreed and said he totally understands. BUT we are stil in the same situation. For example, we are on tuesday with no plans. Earlier he said he had gone straight home after a bath aand was going to chill out. THen i didn't hear from him until 8.40 when he rung and said "I'm in Nottigham (he lives 14 miles away) I was going to call into see you but you're not in" I then rung him back and he said he had already got home!!! apparently his mate had broken down so he had to come over to tow him home. He said he was going to have a nice chilled evening at home! He then asked if I was in tomorrow night.He reckons he loves me and he does do little sweet things for me like cooks for me, very affectionate and considerate, if he goes to the supermarket he buys me stuff I like without me even asking BUT it is just this no making plans business! It's like he doesn't miss me which really hurts!When i spoke to him about it and said "is it because you think you see too much of me already?" he replied "no i'd see you every night if I could" BUT THEN why doesn't he initiate..?Ladies, gents am i missing something here?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2012): Hi ladies and gents,
I am the OP. Thanks for your responses, I have took them to mind and will digest the different view points.
I guess at the heart of it I am a very insecure person and am used to dating people as insecure as me. He doesn't seem insecure at all and tends to very much takes life as it comes. I don't want to ruin this with my insecurities but sometimes when I don't see him for a couple of days and don't know when the next time is going to be, I panic.
He doesn't work all over the country as cerebus(sp?) Suggested - he works 8-5 at a garage local to him. But you're right, he does go and help friends at a moments notice with their cars.
He did say once that he would live with me if poss but one of my friends put a rather negative spin on this by saying “yeah, that's so he can be even lazier and not have to come over to see u as you'd be there all the time”, which as u can imagine did nothing to make me feel better about the whole thing.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): I think it's more of a lifestyle thing OP. This guy is used to being called upon at a moments notice to do some work, I'm sure he's even been called out on weekends to help friends and stuff too.
Now if he's been living his life doing most things at the drop of a hat and not really planning anything because he just keeps things open then it's more habit and nothing personal.
I know it's nice to make plans OP but why don't you make them? I'm sure he'd only to be too glad to go do things with you if you make the plans. If you need him to make plans just to prove he wants you then I'm sorry but it's kind of a menial thing and there are other ways he can show that.
"It's like he doesn't miss me which really hurts!"
It hurts? Oh come on OP, seriously? This guy travels all over the country working, doesn't know when he's going to be free or what he's going to do and he does see you so it's not as if he doesn't care and he's in constant contact and yet you still get very hurt that he doesn't make plans.
OP not every relationship is like a movie, where the guy does all the work and the wooing, this guy has a busy life and he still makes the effort, I mean he thinks about you constantly or else why would he text you 24/7? He's willing to drop almost everything and pop over if you ask and the one thing he doesn't do is some kind of major flaw to you?
now if he wasn't working or was doing a steady 9 to 5 and was home most evenings then I'd tend to think the guy wasn't all that interested. But this guy spends all day up to eyeballs in grease, fumes, spit, snot, out in the cold, driving, doing pretty tough manual labour, after 12 hours of that at 44 his habit is probably to get home clean up and just kick back, or maybe relax with a pint of two.
He is making quite a bit of effort here OP, there are women out there that would kill for a guy who puts in as much as he does.
All I can say is you make plans if you want plans, they can be plans where he makes an effort OP, you know maybe ask him if he'd cook you a meal as you love his cooking. Does he want to take you for a drive to a lake on saturday and you go have a nice day feeding birds and go have lunch. You know?
OP this guy sounds like a good guy that you really like, I see no reason why him not initiating plans is going to be a deal breaker, an annoyance maybe but not something that takes away from the person he is. Maybe you're the more organized out of the two of you and he'll happily go along with plans.
My girlfriend is the organized one out of the two of us. I could happily just do things spontaneously but I'll also go to anything she sets up, she likes that kind of security and to be in charge of things too, so it works for us.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 November 2012):
 I started my response based line by line... and then I had to stop and read the whole thing and reformulate my thoughts.
I think he's just a spontaneous guy.... don't make assumptions... and don't leave yourself open for him...
make plans and lead your life... if he calls on Thursday to say what's up for the weekend and you've made plans you nicely say "oh I'm sorry I had not heard from you so I'm going to the movies with my friend sally, maybe next weekend"
I'm betting he just doesn't' think about it...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): Go silent for a while. When he calls, dont mention of meeting, let him say it first, even if it will take him a week.
by the way you have described him, he does enjoy spending time with you, you shouldnt think otherwise.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): He definately likes you, he sees you when he can you stop every weekend and he does thoughtful stuff to show he cares.
He is a busy man he has a job plus extra work on top. Just accept he doesn't make plans and if your busy when he randomly asks to see you, tell him you have plans and you need more warning.
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