A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is 49 and I am 43. We have been dating for 2 1/2 years. We have for the last several months spoken a little bit about getting married. We each have houses about 40 miles from each other, dogs, kids, jobs, the usual. It is often difficult to get together, but we somehow make it work and see each other several times a week. It is difficult, though. Just packing to stay overnight is overwhelming...laptop, work stuff, clothes for the next day, shoes, toiletries, the dog and her necessities, food if we are cooking dinner together...it's exhausting. I am lonely a lot, also, and would really like more. I really don't believe in living together without marriage. He has known that since fairly early in our relationship. He lived with his ex wife prior to their marriage and also lived with another girlfriend since his divorce. He has moved a lot in the years since living with the girlfriend due to their breakup, etc. His kids ( 2 daughters 9 and 13) have had their visitation with him in all sorts of houses. It has been hard on all of them...mentally and physically with all of the moving. If we are to be together, I feel as though the right thing to do is for me to me to move in with him to maintain the stability for him and his children. My daughter (12 years old) has never had to move, so I feel as though this is the correct thing to do. That's the background. I feel myself getting more frustrated with the current situation. What makes it worse is that he SEEMS to want to get engaged, but yet we will talk about it and seemingly make an agreement (about where to eventually live for instance) and then a few days later he will say something different that what we agreed upon. It's so frustrating and he says it's because he wants to leave my options open and that he's really open to anything. Well, after having the understanding that we were going to get engaged in the very near future, he said something about it being 2 more YEARS before we will be together! I am so sad and confused. I have been depressed about it. My sadness is obvious, but I'm really trying to stay quiet because of the age old female problem of trying not to appear PUSHY. Again, so exhausting. Today while discussing how unhappy the 2 more years of waiting and just dating makes me, he got angry and screamed that I just want a trophy and that once I get the trophy....... Well, I don't know what I'm going to do after I get the big fancy trophy because I hung up on him. That's what he's calling an engagement ring. A trophy. Like I'm some kind of gold digging hysterical needy woman. Which I'm not. I am completely self supporting, well educated, kind, nice and a good mother. I am a good partner and always pay my own way and do my share in this relationship, both monetarily and otherwise. I'm so mad. I told him not to call me. He hasn't. I'm not sure what to think. Am I being crazy? I wonder if this is enough to break us up. I'm not sure how I even feel about it. I honestly can't believe he said that...but then there have unfortunately been other things that he's said that shouldn't make me surprised. I don't even want a ring from him now. It's like somebody flipped a light switch. I don't want a ring from a man who thinks I want a prize or a trophy or a big sparkler to wave in front of my friends. I want a man who loves me to want nothing more that to be with me. He claims he doesn't have the money now (for a ring), but I'll tell you he always has the money (and lots of it) for the material things he REALLY wants. Cars with fancy rims, big screen TV's, home improvements which are wants and not needs. Is it possible to love someone one minute so much that you want to marry them and them have them say something so off-putting that you don't care if they call you back? It's not like I don't care or don't love him anymore, but I think in that moment I decided I don't want to marry him.
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female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (20 January 2013):
I can understand your sadness and frustration with this man and how depressed you might get. Ask him out in Blunt fashion the REASON WHY YOU HAVE TO WAIT 2 YEAR if you are not happy with his answers MOVE ON because from your letter this man does not like to become commited to you at any level. As you stated he has money for everything- BUT NOT FOR YOU. In fact you have answered your own question .Best Luck Nora B.
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