A
female
age
51-59,
*abe8
writes:I’ve been friends with a guy I work with for over a year (although I worked with him previously in another organization about 8 years ago). I’m in my early 40’s, he’s in his early 30’s. We are both single, although he knows I’m divorced with two teenage kids.We have always got on well and at the works Christmas party we danced together for most of the night which was fun, we’d both had quite a bit to drink.Since the Christmas party we have gotten to know each other more and have found we have quite a lot in common. Although we work on the same floor in the office we don’t work together as such but do see each other every day. We started emailing each other more regular, chatting and he gave me his mobile number saying he only gave it to the “privileged few”! We do send each other quite a few emails and text each other occasionally too.My colleague says he fancies me; she says he looks at me with puppy dog eyes and checks me out when I walk by his desk. I have caught him looking at me and when I look back he looks away. We don’t talk much in the office area but if we are in the kitchen he is very chatty/flirty and enjoys my company.I asked him one Friday if he fancied going out for a drink after work and he said yes. Since then we have gone out every Friday (which has been about two months) for a drink, just the two of us. We feel comfortable together and enjoy each other’s company; he talks about his friends and family and asks me questions about my family. The body language would suggest he is comfortable with me.On one particular evening I asked him if he thought we were destined to become more than friends and he laughed nervously and said he enjoyed being friends and he was quite honest saying he hadn’t had much experience in relationships and hadn’t had a long term girlfriend.We both went on a works night out with colleagues in his department and we were together all night, chatting and buying each other drinks. We left the others in a bar and went to another bar on our own.On a recent evening together he was talking to someone he knows in the bar and I overheard them ask if I was his lady friend, I heard him say I was a friend from work!There has been no kissing but I get the feeling that it’s just a matter of one of us making the first move!We both like the same types of music and a band which we both like announced they are touring in the summer, he got tickets for him and his friends and I asked that if I got a ticket would he mind if I went along with them (I have not met these friends although he has spoken about them often). He said I could go along with them and is happy that I am going along.If I am not in the office he texts me asking where I am. He says he misses me when I'm not around.My colleague knows I have been out for drinks with this guy and says there is more to our relationship than friendship. I feel there is but I’m not sure if he feels the same as he did say he enjoyed being friends. As I don’t want to lose him as a friend I’m not sure how to find out if he wants more. Whether he is just shy and is wanting to get to know me better or feels that because I am older and have been in a serious relationship that he feels scared to approach me in case I reject him in some way. Any advice would be appreciated!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2009): Men who are serious about you usually want to make a really good impression, does he pay for the drinks? This can often give you a clue about how he sees the relationship. I get the feeling he views this casually because he's making you buy your own tickets and you two are going dutch on things. This very well could lead to a friends with benefits thing because you are the pursuer and when men don't feel the need to chase, they develop room temperature feelings and not the kind that make them want to commit or anything. I agree that this really can't be considered dating. He would be asking you out and paying. It's nice that he's comfortable around you but it doesn't sound like he can't wait to get you alone either and isn't that how you want him to feel about you?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2009): I think you have to be careful about dating coworkers because if you all stop dating at some point someone will be hurt and then you have to work together and see each other every day. I would think this would be his reservation about taking this beyond a friendship.
It sounds like he likes you and you like him, but I wouldn't make the first move, let him do that. He hasn't asked you out on a date, and buying your own ticket and riding together is not a date.
Make the guy invest in the relationship by buying your way and pursuing you. If you keep up the friendship it will happen naturally and I would stop obsessing over it and just enjoy the time you spend together. If he wants more he will let you know, men are not afraid to go after what they want. If he acts shy about kissing you though when you are face to face, you could go ahead and kiss him....
Have fun.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2009): I hate to say this, but as much as he enjoys your company, he probably has a picture of what kind of woman he wants and you may not fit that. Most of the guys I know his age are looking for women in their 20's with no kids that they can start a family with, sorry. It doesn't reflect on you as a person but your stage in life is all. He's probably hesitant to get involved even though he's attracted to you because he knows what he wants and doesn't see things going anywhere with you. He may not know how to say that without hurting you and he may be conflicted about getting involved. I say if you want to have fun you probably can but keep in mind there is a reason this isn't flowing naturally. I don't think he has a fear of being rejected but I do think he doesn't want to be responsible for making the first move and pursuing you. It's easier for him to back out if you are the aggressor and not feel as guilty for it.
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