A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi am just looking for some advice really and im hoping someone could help me. I have a male friend who ive been friends with for 8 years. Im 26 he is 30.Longstory short i met him through a friend, she was dating him at the time. I havent seen this friend in roughly 6 years (we werent really that close) so that isnt really the big issue. The issue is, from the moment i met him i fancied him but because he was with her we never really spoke about that. When they broke up we kind of got closer on and off when we saw eachother there was a bit of mild flirting etc but nothing much else. We have been through some hard times together we have always been their for one another. He is very popular with the ladies and has been since i met him. I would say he,s actually kind of shy but women are just drawn to him. About a year ago i really did feel like i had fallen for him, infact i think i knew all along but didnt want to a. admit it and b. be humiliated by telling him how i felt but after a month of debating over and over in my head what i should do about it i decided to tell him. I typed an email, it was quite full on and now i think about it it might have scared him a bit or shock might be a better word. I didnt come across desperate in any way but i did make my feelings completely clear because i realised i had waited long enough been through hell and back trying not to feel this way and didnt want to fight it anymore so i bit the bullet and told him. Im not going to lie, waiting for his reply was traumatic! i was pacing up and down, i was so worried but when he replied he replied with a smily face and that was it???, nothing was mentioned after that, we stayed good friends although i did pull back a bit because his reply confused me. He then ended up meeting up with one of my bestmates from school (hadnt seen her in a while) and this was about 2 weeks after i had completely poured my heart out to him. I felt like complete shit, infact one night i went out with my friends and saw them out too, he completely rubbed my face in it, they were snogging almost right next to me and i actually had to leave. I swear my heart broke right their in that club. I walked off didnt let him see me upset and just sobbed walking to the taxi rank. They both turned up about 20 mins later, he asked if i was ok and i made it completely clear that he had hurt me and got in the taxi.Following morning needless to say i felt awful and had been crying most of the night. I think the worst thing was that even if he didnt feel the same we are meant to be really good friends but he didnt care that he was completely crushing me. He messaged me the following morning saying hi how are you thismorning and i replied yeah im just a little ray of sunshine thismorning and he said he was sorry that he had upset me. I was completely honest, i told him he was meant to be my friend not just any friend a close friend and that if he didnt care how he was making me feel then why the hell are we friends in the first place. I told him he didnt have to snog her and be all over her infront of me (although it was mainly her initiating it) but whats the difference really? i told him i want him to be happy but what he done was really hurtful and i needed some space from him for a while to get my head together because i felt confused by everything. So i did, i didnt make any effort to contact him for a long time. Then i would say recently past few months he has been coming round here alot, he has been initiating contact on ALL occasions because i,ll be damned if im putting myself out their for him to kick me when im down again. We do normal stuff like watch films maybe have a few drinks and chat but ive noticed it feels like we are getting closer, he has started flirting with me, ie started pillwfights on several occasions, always showing me things that might interest me and get me closer to him, he playfully said i was beautiful the other night too. I am seriously done right about now. I love him but i dont love him enough to put up with games if that is what he is doing, ive been hurt before and i wont go their again. I just wondered if you could give me some advice on why he is doing this? he knows how i feel, it wont change, it never will. I will always have feelings for him its something i cant control. So why is he coming over here flirting, trying to make me laugh, making all the plans to see eachother? because if he is just messing about for fun then AGAIN he is hurting me! he is just rubbing salt into fresh wounds, what is he up to?? Im sorry this is long but feels better to get it out. Would really appreciate peoples advice. Thank you x
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (20 June 2011):
 I call those kind of confusing relationships "relafriendships". The guy does not seem to know what he wants and it seems like you are either constantly waiting or tugging on him to make a move.
He will not. He likes you and keeps you in the the friend circle. Flirting with you makes him feel good.
Keep mind that flirting is FUN. Think of it as exercise-it is NOT a sure sign of interest in a relationship.
He does know how you feel and he did not respond in kind.
While it would have been nice if he responded verbally (many men do not) she showed you in action. The answer was no.
I am sure you are genuine in your feelings and you took a huge leap of faith and vulnerability. That was REALLY brave of you. The non-verbal rejection hurt, but I am sure he was NOT trying to rub salt in your wounds by snogging another girl. He was doing what felt good to him. He was not thinking of ANYONES feelings.
Do you want a relationship with someone who is that inconsiderate? I would not ask him his intentions. I would back off the friendship until you think you are tough enough to deal with him as a FRIEND ONLY and more romantic feelings are not stirred up.
If his flirty stirs up feelings-set some boundaries as FRIENDS and move on.
Best Wishes.
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (20 June 2011):
 Worldywise has hit the nail on the head...ask him, find out what his intentions are, if he wants to start dating or form a relationship then congratulations for you! If not, then I'd start to cut back on seeing him so much as it's clear that you're in too deep and you're always going to want more than a friendship whilst all he is doing is basically messing up your head, making you fall further in love.
Hope this helps, good luck!
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (20 June 2011):
 hmmm... well i think he realizes how much you like him and he is indulging you its nice to be liked.. ive spent time with women that liked me even if i didnt like them as much.. there was a young woman i was freinds with i went with her to her prom because she was heads over hills about me and she pleaded with me to take her..i knew it would be the best day of her young life if she showed up at her highscool prom with me i even rented a Gallardo.. mine was getting a brake job.. any ways this guy probably likes you to an extent but hes probably not ready to be tied down you said it your self women are drawn to him...and he may not like you as much as you like him but he doesnt want to hurt you.. i my self would have three kids drive a minyvan and be planted in the first pew in church every sunday if most the women i get involved with had their way. Let the guy spread his wings you need to spread yours, go on some dates meet some other men dont let your life and emotions revolve around this guy.. and another thing you need to ask him about the whole smily face thing say it to his face dont write some long drawn out email infact ask him where you two stand in general if he likes you etc but dont make him feel like he has to start wedding plans rite then and there if he says he likes you... Well i really hope things work out for you you seem like a nice one
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): You sound a really nice, open, honest person and say it like it is
The only thing I can suggest is to ask him - face to face - whats going on - before you raise your hopes again
If he wants more than friendship - great! Take it slow and enjoy
If he doesn't, I would stop it now as you are emotionally attached and need to distance yourself again for your own sake.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): It seems he enjoys playing in friends circle! I think he likes the game, as you get closer he pulls off and vice versa. Try to stay away from him if you can. Remember he is not 18 he is 30 years old! He already knows your feeling and if he really cares and wants to be with you he would act differently and you should not see him with your other friend that night. Date someone who is more serious and really respect you. You will forget him as you find the right person, trust me. Good luck
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