A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:If a man has made it clear he really likes you, but is also aware you've had a very prolonged period of really awful stuff happening, none of which was your fault, would it make sense that he would show interest in meeting up with you socially - if you indicate you'd like to - but leave it up to you when to say you're ready to do that?Usually, I would always wait for the man to initiate - I've learned the hard way that if I take the initiative it eventually backfires and I get really hurt.My self esteem has been really knocked by all the stuff that's happened recently, so I know I'm being quite careful about not letting my imagination run riot - but to the extent that I might actually prevent something from happening by coming across as too 'guarded'. I can't be sure if a man I like is being considerate to my feelings, knowing that I've gone through a load of stuff that would make anyone feel out of control, and he is therefore effectively saying "you say when because only you can know and it is important that you feel in control and ready" OR whether he is just lukewarm interested. I do know that he can initiate when he wants to, because he's done so before.Right before all of this bad stuff suddenly kicked off out of the blue, he had actually asked me out, and it was quite clear it was more of a date kind of meeting up than meeting as just friends. Would a man still be interested a year later, if he's not dating any other women? Would he possibly be trying to also play it cool so as not to seem desperate? Or selfish? Or is he being casual because he's not really invested but doesn't want to hurt me, he just cares as a friend?I don't know how to respond. I want to show I'm interested, but I'm VERY wary of initiating. I want him to do this, but he hasn't specified anything, and I don't want to pressure him to do that either. I also do feel I'd like some time to myself before starting something up - IF anything is going to start up.Just for info. he is in his early 50s and a total gentleman, he is divorced with a pre-teen son (who is lovely) very strict with boundaries and very careful about his communication. He does have a slight reputation for being awkward with women in a Romantic sense - he's lovely, but can come across as a bit like Marc Darcy in Brigitte Jones' Diary ie. a bit formal, a bit awkward and a bit stiff with women...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2018): Well at his age and being a divorcee, he's going to be cautious about how he comes across. Being out of the dating-scene for some-time; I guess some awkwardness is to be expected. The rust falls-off after some practice.
Women want to know if you're serious; while men want to know if he even likes you or not. It takes men longer to decide. He also has to juggle if he's emotionally-drawn to you; or only physically-attracted. Hopefully, both! Women seem to prefer to cross that bridge when they get to it. Sex can be the only factor on either-side.
Being a nice-guy ( aka good-catch, boyfriend/husband-materia1); you often get rushed into relationships.
I think what a lot of single-men (young and older) who are dating have to deal with is; that women tend to immediately start thinking in terms of the long-term possibilities and commitment-prospects too soon. That observation is surely debatable, and perhaps a generality. I can only say I've seen it more often than not.
Making good-connections leading to a sustainable-romance requires a process. You can't put the cart before the horse.
Especially dating people with children. Regardless if they are kids, or adult-children. They will have influence over the speed and nature of your connection. Divorce may not have gone well for them. They will interject their feelings about the new love-interest. Inheritance often being a factor for those of good financial-means.
There should be a period of getting acquainted, background-search, feeling-out each others personalities, and temperaments. You have to experience a range of emotions from happy to sad, from calmness to anger. Explore and compare values and quirks. You can't learn all that in a few dates! Some people fall in-love overnight; based on a good conversation and/or sex. I mean...seriously?!!
You must go casual in order to relax with each other. To gain a limited and managed amount of trust. Trust can only be substantiated based on what you know about each other; so you can allow natural-chemistry to take place.
Many women need to learn that good-men are not always ready to jump immediately into a relationship; just because we're nice. We have to evaluate the person we are attracted to. Test your strength, confidence, and compatibility. Whether you're dragging a ton of baggage and a variety of insecurities behind you. Divorce is often hell, and the scars left are sensitive for a long-time.
We have to be certain a person genuinely possesses the character, physical-attributes, and personality-traits we are looking for in a mate. Sorry, but men are slower at doing that than women are. This excludes the players and jerks who will tell you what you want to hear on the fast-track to the bedroom. They are usually more adept at the game of show-offy romance, sweet-talk, flattery, and seduction.
We good-men need time to evaluate our own feelings, clean-out our emotional storage-bins, get to know who you are; so we are able to establish what kind of feelings we have. If any. Some guys take way too long. Commitment-phobes or insecure-men are excruciatingly-slow. They usually get dumped when patience has reached its threshold. Deservedly so.
Stop over-analyzing. It's all at the stage of introduction and spending some time together. A guy wouldn't ask you out unless he likes you. For now, that is all that can be established. There is no way to anticipate how someone will feel about you a year from now. Some guys do like a woman who is confident to be the pursuer. Maybe some back and forth, taking turns. Ask and you'll find-out.
Do you know how you will feel about him by the end of next week? At the present, you shouldn't feel much of anything; but curiosity and attraction at this point. You take cues and clues, and you ask questions. Use your words and speak-up when you can't read his signals. You're adults!
Relax. Two of the benefits of maturity, are grace and dignity.
Let nature take its course. Follow your instincts, rely on your best judgment, use common-sense; and be vigilant for red-flags.
So far you know he is a nice gentleman; and that justifies agreeing to a date. If things go well, then you can initiate the suggestion to see each other again. If men have to learn to take no for an answer; why shouldn't women? You can only develop empathy when you know how something feels. Men get shot-down and rejected, but we aren't supposed to show our emotions out in the open.
Women aren't supposed to experience rejection? For any reason? Men are not supposed to have reasons to refuse a date, or decline seeing you again? Lest she be devastated and her self-esteem be completely destroyed? Excuse me?!! If your self-esteem is that fragile; you're not ready for dating or adult-relationships. That needs work first. Either side has their set-criteria; and their right to refuse or back-out. It's how love and life works.
If he doesn't want another date, it shouldn't be devastating to your self-esteem. Sometimes people are taken by our initial charms and drawn to us. It doesn't always become anything serious or workout; but if you're smart, you have to be prepared for this. If he's not what you're looking for, he will have to face your rejection. He's got feelings too. So, you're on even-footing, my dear.
Patience isn't well practiced or welcomed as a virtue these days. We need to know, or to have. too much too soon!
Pace yourself and everything you need to know will be revealed. Some things sooner than others. Meanwhile; your true-feelings are processing information and making a sensible determination. Or should be!!!
So what if it is only casual? Dating is also for fun and companionship. It's not always a mission to snag a husband or a manhunt. If it is, it will be a laborious and frustrating pursuit. No fun at all! Ending in disappointment, if you're desperate.
If he's "too casual" or slow for your taste; you let him know, that it has been nice knowing you; but "I'm looking for something more." Then graciously move on.
You first have to see what's going on in the present; before you fast-forward into the future, and start drawing-up a contract for guarantees. Neither of you know what you truly feel about the other; it's too soon to know that. Liking each other is what you start and build on. Dates and future dates rest on chemistry and compatibility.
You have the equal-rights to initiate and pursue; or you can place all the responsibility in his hands. Upon which you must wait and rely.
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