A
female
age
36-40,
*eadwreckedR
writes:I met an Irish guy doing the regional work in Aus and became close. While he went on a road trip for a few weeks,I met someone else,which only ended up as a fling, and had to tell him when he returned before Christmas. He was very hurt and bitter. But eventually got over it and we became friends.Over the last few months me and him have become really good friends and I started to develop feelings. One of Our mutual friends keep telling me he doesn't feel the same way anymore about me as he used to be crazy about me,wanted a relationship with me,but I really really hurt him. Which I didn't realise until he came back. Anyway,he has always since shown his attraction to me,teasing me,tickling me,staring at me,and one night two months ago we slept together.the group of friends all say that we are perfect together and that we will be a couple in time. We ended up sleeping together 2 months and and He has recently told me he wants to start a casual thing with me which I agreed on. He is extremely shy when sober but when drunk he will act like I'm his gf,always wanting to be close to me,holding my hand,hinting about going traveling in the future together,holding me extremely tight in bed. But when sober,it's always me texting him,he doesn't make plans to see me unless we have plans with s group and thees drink involved and I'm too shy to ask him to meet up. I really miss him when we're not together. I really feel like I want a relationship with him as we are perfect together. He has always wanted me. But to what extent? Is he holding back from me because I hurt him so much? Or is he maybe not feeling ready to commit? Is he punishing me for my mistake? I should also note that I'm 30,he's 25. His actions and drunk words tell me he has feelings but he holds back when sober,almost to the point now where he avoids seeing me. I want to tell him how I feel but afraid I will lose him as a friend,and we are such great friends,I can't imagine not having him in my life. He is a very lovely,genuinely nice guy. I would love an outsider's perspective on how he could possibly feel.
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female
reader, headwreckedR +, writes (5 November 2016):
headwreckedR is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK so I think u are all right in that I need to talk to him and tell him how I feel. I did so much want to wait it out and let him spend time with me long enough to realise his feelings for me or to allow them to develop into something deeper. But I don't think I can do that any longer. Our mutual friend is leaving us next week and there was plans for the 3 of us to go for food left night but at the last minute our friend had to cancel and that was it,there was no invite from him to just me and him going out. But I'm guessing that's normal?? We have changed things right? Our friendship is no longer the same. I get that. But j also can't understand that if he does have feelings,wouldn't he want to see me?? I will talk to him soon,but do I need to face the fact that this friendship will end of he doesn't feel the same
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (3 November 2016):
 With alcohol he can let down his guard. Now it could be that he wants to be with you but he is scared to take that step in case you hurt him. But you also need to consider that he just wants someone to keep him warm at night and nothing else. Talk to him when you are both sober be honest with him and tell him how you feel about him. Ask him on a date and see how it goes. You made a mistake but you need to find out now if he is going to give you a chance or if you are only going to get hurt.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2016): He's letting his pride and male ego hide his feelings. I do caution you not to always believe our true feelings come out when we're under the influence of alcohol. The euphoria makes you pretty friendly to everyone, and friendliest to the person sticking closest-by. Sleeping with someone isn't necessarily a sign he wants you, it's convenient.
I think you need to ask him out and have an intimate conversation without alcohol or a bunch of friends around. Ask him why his feelings seem to change when he's sober? He's so different when he's drunk, and let him know that confuses you. Tell him you're open to something more, and he doesn't have to hide behind alcohol to show you how he really feels. You neither deserve nor want to be his friend with benefits.
Then allow him to get any reasons he's holding back off his chest. He has something he wants to get out, but sex and distractions from friends is blocking important communication. You need to connect on a non-physical level. He's got old-fashioned/outdated ideas about girls and sex.
Nobody implies to me I'm good enough to screw, but not good enough to be his boyfriend. I have more respect for myself than that!
Keep this advice for use in the future. Don't let guys have regular access to your body who don't respect you and act as though you're not good enough for them. You are not in a committed-relationship; so he has no right to judge you. Then play games with your emotions.
You're trying to use sex as a means to hold on to him. That's how women get used. Either he shows you his real feelings sober; or you should not allow him to take advantage of the feelings you have for him. Insist the guy gives you exactly what you're giving him. Feelings and all!
Nor should you take advantage of him when he's drunk!
It's all or nothing, girlfriend! Don't be desperate, and settle for crumbs. You want to be more than friends. Let him have it his way, and you'll be the pitiful girl pining for him until some other girl comes along and you miss your chance.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (1 November 2016):
 Softly, softly catchy monkey. You need to draw this guy in. Alcohol releases inhibitions - in vino veritas. He clearly wants more with you but doesn't have the confidence to act. Lead him to where he wants to go.
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