A
female
age
51-59,
*onfused42
writes:Not sure where to start. I found out my husband was cheating because he was acting wierd and then my 4 year old daughter said that daddy's friend and her kids met them at pizza. It kinda got my wondering... I confronted him and he said they were just friends! I suggested counseling and we went and he said that he felt abandoned after our kids were born and unappreciated. He did not get home until after 7:30 or 8:00. Anyway, we still had a great sex life, he even admitted that. The counselor told him to start coming home earlier and that we should put the kids to bed earlier... All went well, I thought that we were on the road to recovery and then I caught him having lunch with her! Actually, my daughter saw his truck first! He said he is confused, doesn't know what he wants, and he moved out! He keeps saying its temporary and telling our children, (we have 2, one is 8 the other is 4) that he will probably be home for x-mas. Meanwhile, they cry themselves to sleep every nite!I know he is still carrying on his affair with this girl, he is 43 and she is 25 with 3 kids! I know its an affair because I found a seperate email account that he has and they have been meeting for lunch and email each other how much they love each other! I asked him about that and he said that was a lie. He doesn't know what he is doing, he is so confused! I don't know if this is a midlife crisis or what!Now I found out that he is going to Vegas on business and she just so happens to be going too! He says that he didn't know that! Right! I told him that he said he moved out to clear his head and promised not to see anyone while we were seperated. He said that he wasn't, but he is because I found the emails. I told him that if he went to Vegas I know what will happen. I am not stupid! I told him that I would not put up with him sleeping with her for a couple of months and then coming home. I told him that if he went to Vegas, he was making a life choice and that I would file divorce papers before he got back. He just left mad! I don't want a divorce, but I do not think I should have to put up with a husband who has a girlfriend either. This is a man who always critized people who had affairs and destoyed their families. He always told our children that it would never happen to us! Now they ask me why this happened when we promised them that? All I could say is that it takes two people to keep that promise. I just don't know what to do? Should I file? Will it make him think, or push him towards her?
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affair, divorce, has a girlfriend, moved out, sex life Reply to this Question
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female
reader, rockelle +, writes (7 November 2007):
 Wow, it doesn't seem like the situation is getting any better for you. I hope that you are seriously considering divorce. This man is not meeting you at the halfway point. It sounds like you are the only person that wants to make your marriage work. I hope that he will come around, but prepare yourself for the worst. Maybe you need to sit down and have a one on one talk with him. Give him a time frame to work out his issues and if he doesn't come around then you have to do what is best for you and your children. He shouldn't tell them that he is coming home when the truth is that he may not. It does not sound like he has made any effort to reconcile with you, but he tells the kids that the situation is temporary. If he can not be man enough to tell you the truth then he should at least be honest with his children. Sit down and talk to your kids, let them know that mommy would like daddy to come home as well but he is an adult and he has made his decision. I am praying for you and your family. I hope that everything works out for you. Its a shame that you are left to clean up this mess that he has created for you and the kids.
A
female
reader, confused42 +, writes (6 November 2007):
confused42 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell, he did go to vegas and she did show up there and they hung out, I know this because I had him followed by a private investigator. He said they did not act like a couple but that they hung out and he gave her money to gamble! I am not sure what to do? He called while he was there and was friendly but I kept the calls short. When he got home and wanted to see the kids, I took them by his apartment and dropped them off without saying much. He looked terrible! When I picked them up, he said he was sick and I said it looks like Daddy had too much of a good time in vegas, he replied not really.. Anyway, I didn't say much, just told him we hoped he felt better and left. The kids said he just laid around and felt sick the whole time. Now it is tuesday and he has called the kids and when he does they beg him to come home and all he says is he has a decision to make! My son has started calling him a liar because he will call around 6:30 or so and then when they say they will call to say goodnite later, he says he is going to bed now! I just said that maybe daddy is so sick, he just wants to go to bed early and they say yeah right! Its so wierd not talking to a man that I have talked to every day for 16 years! We own a business together and when I saw the accountant yesterday and asked if our business could possibly suffer for this, he said that if he was giving me his paychecks to pay our mortgage and bills and then taking out more via a bonus that he would run our business into the ground within 6 months! I do not know what to do! He is a very proud man, and everyone that hears about this is just amazed! All I hear is that it just doesn't seem like him at all! And it doesn't! I am worried about him as a person too and suggested that he go to counseling. In one breath he says that he just needs time and hopes that we work it out, then gets mad at me because he says that why did it take this to make me want to make him happy? I said I always wanted to make you happy and have asked for two years what is wrong, what can I do to help? All he would say is that he was worried about money! I love this man and want to work it out, but I also do not want to be his doormat! My kids are going to go to counseling because they are just so upset, my son is 8 and my daughter is 4 and they follow me around everywhere and cry for no reason. Now my daughter is saying that she hates me for making daddy leave.! I know that is normal, but it is killing me. I just explained that it was his decision to leave, not mine and that I hope he comes home soon. Any suggestions?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): Hey you
I really feel for you but i think by dealing with the facts as you are you are really half way through this! Show your daughter that men do not get way with treating women like that for her own sake - work on you - he has re invented himself & expects you to stay the same - so don't. He is waiting for a problem in his relationship before he comes home, milking the situation I would rise above behaviour & show him that your out of the situation- carry on & see the children - its a good time for you to have some grown up time & a few kids is always a good test of his new relationship. Do not wait any longer to let this pain go - fill its space with things for you and your children...it may seem like he has the silver now - but in the long run you will have the gold xxxx stregnth to you & yours xx
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female
reader, rockelle +, writes (30 October 2007):
My heart goes out to you. I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. First and foremost your husband is being a real jerk. I am sure you already know that. He has not only hurt and disrespected you but his children also. He is being selfish and the way he is handling this situation is wrong. It sounds to me like you are making a sincere effort to make this marriage work but he is not meeting you halfway. It takes two to make a marriage work. Now, it is time for you to be selfish and think about what is best for you and your kids. I know divorce is hard on children but unhappy marriages are even harder. What type of message do you want to send to your daughter? It does not sound like he wants to work it out, his moving out was a sign that he is trying to distance himself from you. Do you have family that you can go to to seek some support? Asister to call? Your mother? Do not be afraid to call and ask for some support. Everyone needs a cheerleader when things are rough. Can you forgive him for walking out on you and your kids? If he had moved out and wasn't seeing the mistress that would be different... I am sorry I would have to say it is time to file for divorce. Your children need you. You deserve to be happy this situation is not good for you emotionally, physically, or mentally. I hope all goes well for you and remember what goes around comes around. You deserve better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): It sounds like he's putting you through hell right now.
In simple terms, you can't stay together at the same time as not put up with his behaviour.
Are you sure this Vegas trip is a business trip? I think I'd have my doubts on that one.
Stick to your guns as in paragraph 4 of your question. If he left 'mad' that's his problem. He's not nearly as mad as you should be feeling!
The thought of divorce papers landing on his doorstep might concentrate his mind a little. Maybe this is the break you've both needed for a while now.
Phil
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): This will come big time on him when his children hit problems midlife.You need to tell him that.Other than that i'd just pray. If he cant leave it is because of the kids not you.He's mentally left you its the kids he can't leave.How do I know. My wife had an affair and we carried on had 2 kids then 10 years down the line she did it again.I just couldn't leave the kids it took me a year to find the strength to leave. The house had become a battle ground and a shit environment to bring kids up in.After I left kids became happier and best as could back to normal. Obviously I still see them, and i'm glad with the decision I made, but its takes a while (4 years) in my case to get over.Good luck
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