A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. We broke up once or twice because he was unsure, but he came to me 6 months ago and poured out his heart to me and told me he wanted to be with me, and hinted at forever. We rarely have huge arguments, maybe once in a blue moon, but when we do have a fight he gets distant and says he has to think about "us". That is why he broke up with me the other times. He tells me I get too angry about things that I feel are important, for instance the fight now is that I was feeling upset about how people in our class were judging me and making me out to be the "bitch" because I walked out of class because he was annoying me a few weeks ago. I took it out on him and began to get really frustrated, I wasn't screaming at the top of my lungs, but to him I was yelling. I told him that this class made me want to break up with him. I dont know why I said that but I guess I wanted to see what he would say (which ended up being "ok...") I wanted him to know why I was upset, and wanted him to care and inquire why I was feeling depressed, but he didnt and it made me even more angry. He wasn't understanding me and he was getting frustrated so he told me "Well I'm not talking bout this anymore, I have to think about us now". This was yesterday, and we still haven't seen each other, only texted and briefly spoke on the phone. He did text me last night and ask why was I so upset, but I dont feel it is the appropriate way to converse and solve our problem, so we had a "mini text argument". He never tells me in person about his feelings like he does in texts. It seems like we always have serious agruments in text form and it really upsets me, and I told him I didnt want to tell him why I was upset but he said "Tell me now or just dont". Anyways, I feel like I really am the bad guy now. I dont understand why me getting upset about something pushes him away. Its not like we argue all the time, we were extremely happy before this. We have had worse fights when we were first together, when I was going through hard times emotionally and I WOULD scream and insult him, but its not like that now. (Well actually when the class incident first happened a few weeks ago, and I heard some girl's caddy remark, I told him we was ignorant like everyone else, etc.) I feel like I cant get upset about anything. I feel like everything I do is being scrutinized by him because he really will leave me. I called him today to see if he was okay, and he told me he didnt want to break up, but I still feel like he is distant. Why am I always wrong? I may have been this past time, but in the future I'm scared we can not argue at all. He "disapproves of how I argue" and I do not know how to take that. I love him to death, but seriously why is arguing or raising one's voice the worst thing in the world? Is he going to tally up all the times we argue? And is there a limit in his mind? Why can't we discuss serious things in person? What have I done wrong and how can I fix it? And am that bad of a person? I am so confused right now. I apologize for the length, but I wanted to be detailed so I could get a good, honest opinion of this situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): I think you both need to take a "chill pill." From what you wrote, you seem to be quick to anger and maybe in need of some anger manage. therapy of some sort and he needs to be more stable in his thinking and not make choices so quickly. I can understand how he could get tired of your anger outburst yet I can understand how you are concerned about his distant attitude towards the relationship. If needs to be honest with you, if he is not sure...DOUBT MEANS DON'T. There is no need to rush into love, marriage or a relationship in general. If he doesn't know in his heart if he wants you or if he wants a relationship right now, his feelings aren't wrong and you can't blame him for feeling that way BUT if he does feel that way, yet is leading you on, you can fault him for that part of the situation. Things are much easier when people are honest and open. When dealing with the emotions of others, one can not only think of themselves or what they want or what they don't want to lose. Life is too damn short and no one wants to spend a lot of time on pondering about a relationship or how the other person feels, honesty is the best policy. I am not telling you to leave him, just think about it, get advice, be honest and learn to control your anger. And another thing I have learned that men don't understand a woman when she points out his faults all the time...what they do undertand is when a woman pulls back in a nice way though. When your man isn't acting right, pull back a bit..for instance when he says he is not sure about the relationship, don't nag or ask to many questions, simply tell him what you are looking for and expect out of a relationship and make it known in a nice and gentle way that your life is not a revolving door. Keep it short, sweet and simple. Don't get emotional in a negative way, try to stay calm and act as though you are not fazed even if you are and go from there. Men understand action, not words per say. So nagging and having the 'TALK' doesn't work in some cases.
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