A
female
age
41-50,
*eachbug
writes:I think I'm at my wits' end with my husband. We've had issues for a few years now (he was emotionally abusive towards my children and I), and went to counseling for it. He was told to get on meds for his temper. He did.However, that was back in February. He's only refilled that bottle 3 times since then, and only does it when I notice it's empty. I recently found he was lying to me on money. I work two part time jobs, and we were (supposedly) using my checks as the "fun money/gas money" accounts, and his check (which comes weekly and is twice the size of my biweekly checks) was supposed to be our bill money. We had put a layaway down for kids' christmas, and he promised to pay it with his overtime. I made the first payment with my account, because I forgot his debit card. The second payment, I received a call from the store- they never got it. Then another call a few days later, still not in. I logged into the shared bank account to see if maybe the transaction wasn't going through. He never made the payment, but he HAD put the account into negative $300. Horrified at that, I looked through the records a little more... He had pulled nearly $4500 from his IRA in the last 3 months and deposited it into the account- and still managed to put it into negative amounts of at least $100 a week since then... I checked it last night, and he has it currently at -$425. He's also stopped taking his pills yet again. I refuse to play babysitter for him anymore. He hides bills from me, refuses to let me see the mail (yet I do know he's received at least 5 different "certified letter pickup notices"- I think he's being sued...) I don't understand how he blows through his money this way. I'm really worried he's either gambling, drinking/doing drugs, or seeing someone else. (A friend even noted that he was getting concerned on my husband's behavior- odd things he'd said in regard to a girl at work, and the way he was lying even to HIM, his best friend...)Should I confront him? Or just go? I highly doubt things will ever get better. I've given so many second chances... I think I can't make it on my own, but then I realize- I'm not even making it now.
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (17 November 2012):
 It is hard to determine what he is up to, but it definitely sounds like he has some mental health issues. I am pretty sure you'd notice if he was drinking excessively. Drugs are certainly a possibility and I would suspect you'd notice him smelling of smoke if he was gambling and going to casinos. Is it possible that he is bi-polar?
Before you give up, I suggest you have a heart to heart with him. Sit him down or write a letter to him and explain to him what he is putting you through. Tell him you are concerned that he isn't taking his medication and that his behavior is erratic and causing financial issues. He is also letting his children down and that you are there to support him, in whatever he is going through.
If he is willing to listen and deal with the issue, I highly suggest that you both seek counseling -- or at least minimally him. There is definitely something wrong and you need to get to the bottom of it.
I think you need to take some sort of action. If you continue to hope it will get better by itself, you'll be in for a long wait. The sooner you uncover the reasons for his behavior, the sooner you can get him help and hopefully your family will heal.
Eddie
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 November 2012):
 deep sigh... tough issues.
if you don't want to be mommy (and i don't blame you)
then you need to go. Not supporting him will help you make ends meet. IF the children are his get court ordered child support that is garnished from his wages before he gets the check.
I"m a very bad money manager and my husband and I worked out a nice deal where at the end of the week we share our receipts with each other. This keeps me on the straight and narrow. All our accounts are joint. we have no "private money" BUT we have enough to more than make ends meet and if I want something I just clear with him that it's ok... we have budgeted for our "sin" tax as I call it... Liquor store for him, clothing store for me...
I doubt your husband will want to account to you concerning what he is doing with your money... but yes there is a problem... either gambling, drugs, alcohol or another woman comes to mind... but you said he's stopped taking medication. IF he's bi-polar then his spending sprees may be related to his mental health.
Whether you leave or not you must talk to him about it and let him know that it's not acceptable. You should sit down with him (without kids around and without being attacking if possible) and show him what you have found out... Ask him what's going on and tell hinm it's not accepable.
Personally I would cut his access to all money off. Put him on a cash only basis (we had to do that with me for a while) and if he runs through his cash he needs to account for how he did it and why he needs more... especially if his mental illness is out of control now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2012): You simply have to confront him and get the answers. It will not be good but at least you'll know and finally get on with you and the childrens own lives. Your husband needs help and has had some of those help. Dont let him drag you and your childrens life down the abyss.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2012): It's time to stop using your money as the fun money and start securing that into your own account and saving. Also stop paying any debts that are in his name for him. Consolidate as much of your finances to you and do what you can to ensure any accounts that are in both of your names are paid as best as possible without leaving you short and prepare to have your name taken off those, and any household bills once you stop living there.
OP it's time you started putting the ball in motion to leaving and taking the kids with you. Now it's going to take a little time to prepare for that so you can't just up and leave with xmas coming up it's not the best time either. But that doesn't mean you have to sit still. There are lots of things you can do to prepare and you have to be a bit ninja about this. It will be made a lot easier by the fact that he's being so sneaky. Leave no paper trail, leave no evidence of what you're doing around the house, get any letters about these things go straight to your parents and store them there.
Go to your parents, sister, friend, whoever you trust the most and whoever will put you up in the short term and tell them your plan, have the address of things like your bank, insurance agencies anything at all that will contact you about any financial or practical changes to your parents address so he doesn't become suspicious or look through them.
Go seek free legal aid if you can about a divorce, knowledge is power and you need to know what you're doing here, so you can set this in motion that will give you the absolute maximum benefit and the best bargaining position possible.
Talk to any trusted, non-mutual female friends or family that went through a divorce and get some tips.
This is it peachbug, I think my advice on whether you should stay or go is obvious. I think you've also reached the stage where you know it's the only option you have of a good future. Don't confront him, there's no point, he'll just lie and he may even become very abusive seeing as he's not taking his meds, use the fact that he's distracted to very sneakily set up all the things you need to just one day pack your bags and go. The reason I say be sneaky peachbug is because of the volatile nature of this man, add you leaving to his already serious financial issues and that is a very dangerous mental state to put a guy with his history in.
So start researching your options online today, there are plenty of american forums for divorcing women that have some very sneaky and underhanded but effective tricks for really getting an advantage in this. Use private browsing to do this OP, incognito on google chrome, internet explorer I think is just private browsing, that way there is no chance he will find what you're looking up because there'll be no traces.
Be careful, cover your tracks and get knowledgeable, this is going to be one big ass messy deal, be prepared for a bit of a fight by gaining the necessary skills and tools to do so.
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