A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My ex husband has been threatening me very badly for a few days now and last night he said he was gonna come over. I didn't wanna stay at home and my BFF told me to come sleep over at his place. My BFF and I are very close and we do a lot of silly flirting via text. He asked me to marry him several times on text (jokingly, i know) and keeps making jokes about making me his 5th wife and so on. When talking about what we want in a gf or bf, he described someone just like me. I can tell that he likes me but I'm not sure whether he just wants to have sex with me. He's told me that he would love to kiss me, but he's not looking for a gf right now. Well, he came to get me last night and when I went to his place we just watched a movie together, he held me while I cried, he joked and laughed and tried to cheer me up which was very sweet. And then it happened. He took my phone away because I kept using it and wouldn't try to go to bed and when I went to get it back from him, we ended up kissing and having sex. After sex, it was awkward for a second and he was about to go sleep on the couch and I told him to join me on the bed. I didn't plan to be all clingy and needy, I just suggested it. He freaked out and he was like 'Really? U want me to stay on the bed with you?'. Then I said well, yeah, I'm not trying to be clingy but I think it's fine if you stay here, you don't have to stay on the couch.'. So he went and got his things and came and got on the bed. I stayed on my corner and turned to face him so we could talk and he was like 'No, no turnaround. And he was laughing. He said he hadn't slept and woken up with someone like that in a long time. Then I understood he was uncomfortable so I said ok fine if you wanna go sleep on the couch you can do that.'And he did. We talked about all of this the next morning. He said he's not gonna treat me any different and hopes that I won't treat him differently either. And he said if we have any issues, we can just talk about them openly. He cooked breakfast for me and dropped me home. I have developed feelings for him. I have been in love with him for quite a while but I'm not letting him know it. I give him his space and treat him like the BFF that he has always been. I'm not sure what will happen and whether we might end up together in the future. I feel a strong connection with him and he feels it too. We're still best friends. I know it's probably ridiculous that I'm asking but is it possible that he could just be emotionally unavailable right now and not ready for a long-term relationship? He still texts me all the time and we still talk about the same things.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2022): I think the other respondents have got most angles covered.
How long have you known your BFF for?
Make sure that when it comes to his perception of the situation, his intentions, his valuation of your relationship, you truly know *his* true personality, and are not... guessing what said perception, intentions, and valuation of his are through just what you know *your own* personality to be.
Genuinely working on that might help curb your eagerness to a healthier level where you can see things more clearly.
I tend to agree with what WiseOwl says:
"I've seen this same scenario many times, and the outcome was never as one party had hoped."
"I think if you push-it, it will change things; but not necessarily for the better."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2022): I don't think things are going to turnout as you are hoping. I think the whole event leading to sex was in the heat of the moment. I think you might be exploiting your friend's compassion; and he's being a sexual-opportunist. If anything was serious and truly connected; there would be no kidding around about how he feels about you. He's joking to cheer you up.
He is going to do all he can to be a good friend; and you are going to do all you can to swap friendship for a romance. I've seen this same scenario many times, and the outcome was never as one party had hoped. He's a friend, the sex was incidental, you were vulnerable; but now you're being the manipulator. He never should have had sex with you, because he has mislead you. You both stepped over the line.
You're here, because deep-down, you know he doesn't want a romantic-relationship with you. You're hoping someone responding is going to suggest that you pursue it. I think if you push-it, it will change things; but not necessarily for the better. It will become very awkward. Sex is not always an indication a person wants to be in a committed-relationship with you; even if they joke around about marrying you, and playfully flirt with you. I believe you're misreading his intentions. He should stop teasing you in such a way.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 August 2022):
 Sex wasn't an "accident" it was a choice. A choice you BOTH made.
You are single, He is single - correct?
If so, then it's up to the two of you to figure out what you want and where to go. The only problem is, that you can't really go back to being "just" friends. You LITERALLY fucked that up.
I think you need to lower your expectations of your BFF. I think he feels like the sex was a "mistake". I mean he could have sex with you but not sleep next to you?! Really?
Stop having sex with him from now on. Or he will treat it as something CASUAL between you two.
Keep your crush on him in check. He doesn't seem like he WANTS a relationship. The sex might have been his way to try and make YOU feel better. Dumb but true.
As for your ex- call the police. Get a restraining order or whatever you need to keep him away. Also, consider getting a security/doorbell cam and change your locks (if ex had a key at some point). You might ALSO want to change your phone number.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 August 2022):
test
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2022): Everything is possible, but I think it is improbable. I think that he has already said,shown and implied that he does not see you as his GF and does not want you to become it.He sees you as a good pal with whom it is pleasant hanging out and, why not, also having sex with , as he probably would do with any not unattractive, available woman. There's nothing in his actions showing any romantic feelings toward you , and personally I think all you would get out of him is some FWB arrangement.If you are looking for more,I guess you'd be wiser to step back ,because very possibly you are going to get hurt.
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