A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I wrote on here a few days ago asking for advice and I got brilliant advice and took it. My thread was 'help me make a decision about this guy'.I talked to my bf last night about things that were bothering me about our relationship. He listened to me and seemed to understand where I was coming from. Then he told me about something to do with his health, I wont go into detail. He made me feel really sorry and upset for him and now I'm worried about him. He made me swear not to tell anyone as no one knows about this not even his family.I came home and told my mother about this, but not what was wrong with him, as she didnt need to know all the details. She said to me do you not think this might be emotional blackmail so you dont leave him?I don't think he would sink that low would he?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (24 May 2011):
 men can father children throughout their life... there is no time running out for them... or more BS from him...
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you again for taking your time answering this. This piece you wrote has stuck out for me. "And you will still have no answers, he still won't listen nor "understand" what you want him to and he'll still be adding girls on facebook and you'll still be wondering why you're not good enough even for an absolute cunt like him". That has summed it up.He still is addding girls even though I said about it to him on Saturday night when we were out, I told him its upsetting me. What did he say 'nothing, no answer just Im getting rid of facebook im sick of students messaging me. Yeah another bullshit lie!Then he said 'after what we have talked about over the last few days you will have left me by the time I get back from Australia'. Then said 'why I wasnt affectionate with him. Why dont I ever go to cuddle him or kiss him first. Is he that stupid enough to ask that!!!.I sometimes blame myself as I am not that affectionate with him but how can I be, I dont see him enough to be like that.I know I have to get him out of my life, I know hes never going to change or commit himself to this relationship. Hes told me its 'cause I am just young and I could go off with someon else' and he was 'hurt' in a past relationship. That is the excuse for not meeting his family.I think the illness thing is just to keep me with him so I dont leave him infact, I dont even beleive there is anything wrong with him. My mam said its rubbish and its just another way of trying to tie me down with a baby. Because that is something else he goes on about 'how time is running out for him to have children'.I so want to be free and happy and enjoy life again like the weekend we had in Dublin with my friends. I felt normal, happy and carefree.I know i have to do it, as my life will get worse with him. He will isolate me from my friends and family and i know my mam and my dad will help me if things turn nasty.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2011): I honestly don't know what there is left that is confusing you to be honest. I think you're looking for answers from him that he will just never give you. To questions you really don't need to know the answer to anyway. You're trying focus on tiny little things, like this facebook thing, like it's somehow something that your mind needs resolved. It's not. Knowing why and letting him know how you feel won't change a thing because he couldn't give a fuck what you think or what is bothering you and he never will. Seriously what do you actually think it will accomplish?
If you're looking for him to throw his hands up and admit he was wrong, that will never happen. If you want to find out from him why he thinks it's okay to do all these things, that will never happen. If you're looking for him to explain to you what is in the mind of guy that does this kind of thing he's never going to even think he's like that. He's never going to tell you how he can be so sweet one minute make you feel good for 5 minutes but then tear you down in the long run.
OP you've said all you need to say, the only thing left to say is goodbye. The only thing you need to know is how far you need to run in order to never see him again.
The worst thing about all of this OP is that you know this is pretty much all your own fault. He's just being him, he's just naturally an asshole, all of this pain and anguish he's causing you is only possible because you let him. Not only that but you refuse to let him go. For what? Because you feel the need to let him know how you feel? What difference will that make except to give him just another opportunity to keep you in this completely horrible situation. Have you ever looked at the women or men that are in situations of horrific domestic abuse and wonder "why the hell are they still with that person?" Well now you know OP. But just like those victims you're the one responsible for not walking away, just like them you've let this guy tear you down so far that you're convinced that no one else will want you. For no good reason.
You want to know what's worse, is that while you stay in this situation with this guy, no one else will go near you. If you're looking for some other guy to come and rescue you then no guy will. I mean would you? Would you consider dating a guy who is constantly depressed, being used and abused by his current girlfriend who is treating him like utter crap? Nobody wants to date a girl in your current situation, downtrodden, unable to let go of this thing that is destroying your life. Especially when your reasons make absolutely no sense, not even to you.
"I want to get all this stuff out that is bothering me before I do end it."
For what? Really, for what like? What good is it going to do at all? You've already tried, in fact you've been trying for months now, when are you going to realize you're just not going to get through to him at all. Why are you fighting this? All you're doing is fighting yourself, all you're doing is hurting yourself and in the mean time he gets to keep using you and abusing you.
If you really want to get everything out, if this really is something you just "need" to do before you dump his rotten ass, then do it in an email.
Seriously open up your email account right now and hit the compose or new mail button and start typing. Say everything you want to say, write it all down. Don't ask any questions because this is the last email you will send and the last time you correspond with him. You don't need answers from him you need answers from you. So just type everything up and hit send. That's it OP, this is all you have to do to make all of this go away. Then you hit "block" on facebook, email and you turn your phone off until he goes away to Australia. You put facebook status saying you lost your phone and to contact you at home. You tell your mom it's over and done, if he tries to call the house or call to the house then she's to tell him to stay away from you.
OP you know this "Just one more time with him, I just need to talk to him once more, I just need him to know just this one thing" It's natural, it's normal but it's a fucking trap. Trust me it's one we've all fallen into and it's a killer. That's the only thing you have to fight, if you can resist that urge, you're home free. Send that email today OP, seriously can you think of any reason why not, none of the reasons your mind is telling you are good are they? Nope, so just get it done. Ignore your heart and start thinking with your head.
There's two ways your life will go from here OP. First you could send him this email today an email that says absolutely everything you want to say, everything all your thoughts but no questions. You could block him in everything and turn off your phone. You can get rid of everything and anything that reminds you of him out of your room and not listen to the music that reminds you of him. You can go downstairs and tell your mother what you're doing and what you have done. You can give your friends a call and tell them it is over and if they want to hang out or just do something to keep your mind off it and away from your phone. Everyone will rally around you, if there are questions you need answered ask your mom or your friends, they'll give you a more honest answer than he ever will and they'll be right.
Doing it this way will give you time to fight that "just once more" urge. It will give you time to grieve and not letting him contact you in any way means you won't have to have to him use his power over you to make you change your mind. It's only a few days until he goes to Australia, so having said all this kind of thing to him now will give you that opportunity to ignore him until he goes, then you'll have two weeks were he can't worm his way back into your life even he wanted to. That two weeks of not seeing him will give you a chance to let the hurt fade enough that you can start to think clearly again and not only realize you've done the right thing but also get rid of your addiction to him. You have to go cold turkey just like a heroin addict and you have to fight the withdrawals without him in your life, I mean what you're currently doing is like a heroin junkie taking just one more hit to stop the withdrawal pains but that's not a solution.
Let me ask you this would you rather be single, happy and free or would you rather this? Because if it's the former then the whole "no other guy wanting you" thing is irrelevant isn't it? Now is not the time to worry about future relationships or future guys, now is the time to get yourself out of that one and you will find someone else, you know that you will.
Do this now and you'll start building a great, happy future for yourself. Just think this time next month you could be free, this time next month you can have the rest of the summer and this beautiful rainy, windy Irish summer weather to look forward to. Music festivals, day trips places with your friends, independence and the happiness that will make you irresistible to guys. You have your own holiday coming up, you will have so much love and joy to look forward to.
Or the second way your life will go is this. You decide to meet up with him, you try and tell him this stuff again, he guilts you for trying to "hurt" him now that you know he's ill. Yup, that's exactly why he said that because now any time you try and bring this stuff up he can guilt you into shutting up, you'll feel lousy for "hurting" a "sick" man. He'll make you feel like a bitch and tell you that you're a horrible person for trying to ruin his holiday by telling him this stuff before he goes. He's going to convince you to let it go until he gets back and tell you that he'll sort it all out when he gets back. He'll just keep his power over you that way and all the while he's over in Australia he'll be hooking up with random girls, flirting with them and doing whatever he wants because he knows he has a hot young one waiting at home to do whatever he tells her to do.
A few months down the line you'll feel even worse, you'll discover an all new low, a feeling so bad you never thought life could be so bad. You'll fall into such a depth of despair that it may actually make you bitter and angry for a hell of a long time, if not permanently. Your problems with your mom will get worse, your friends will start to distance themselves from you in order to protect themselves from your misery, everyone else in your life will have to suffer watching you put yourself through that misery and lots of them will just give up on you when they realize you're not willing to help yourself, there's only so much even the most patient of people can put up with. You'll be ever more isolated and alone, exactly how he wants you to be. And you will still have no answers, he still won't listen nor "understand" what you want him to and he'll still be adding girls on facebook and you'll still be wondering why you're not good enough even for an absolute cunt like him.
Those are your only two paths, there will be no romantic epiphany, there will be no magic moment. He's not going to change, this is NOT going to get better, whatever your heart is telling you is all wrong.
By the end of this summer you'll either be a broken girl, sad and lonely still being used and abused. Always sad, always fighting with your mom and with very few friends who are willing to stand there and watch you tear your life to pieces.
Or you could be happy, single, have had a summer of getting over a break up by going on holidays, having great times at gigs and festivals, a summer of rediscovering yourself and being that bubbly confident girl that brings so much joy into the lives of the people around her.
Your choice, your future. The time to decide is now, do what you feel is best for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for keep giving me this advice and taking your time to answer me. I feel like you know this guy inside out. Your so right in everything you have said. I am a very unhappy, anxious down person right now. Infact I have forgot who I am.What keeps me with him! I honestly dont know. I think my confidence and self esteem is so low I dont think I will ever find or trust another guy again. I have said this to my friends, that it is going to take another guy for me to get rid of him and realise just how crap this relationship is. Trust me I hate myself for saying this as I sound that I cant stand the thoughts of been single but its not. I am just at that stage where I think no one will ever want me.Like you said, nothing has changed over the last few months and in my heart of hearts I know it never will.My mam and me are constantly having arguments over this guy, as she doesnt like what hes done and doing to me and she has never trusted him. My friends all say I have changed form being the happy, bubbly fun loving girl to someone they dont know and they all tell me to get rid of him. My best guy friend said the same as you, hes poison an areshole and the biggest nob head he has ever met and that I am far to good for him in both personality and looks.All this week everytime i look on my facebook news feed he has added new girls everyday. Infact hes added over 25 since Monday and deleted some more. He even has ex 17 year old students leaving comments on one of his photos saying 'oufffft I would' and another saying 'sir :0.Should this be something going on over facebook and him being a teacher even if they are ex students?He is going to Australia on Wednesday and I am releived if Im honest as I wont see him for 2 weeks. Should I say something to him before he goes or wait till he comes back?As i will be away on holiday a week after he comes back? I want to get all this stuff out that is bothering me before I do end it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): Just to make it clear OP. You feel horrible, you feel low, you're constantly being put down, your studies, your heart, your mind, your life are all being ruined by your relationship with this guy.
You're losing your self worth, you feel weak, you feel used, you feel you have no control, you're constantly confused, you constantly feel hurt, you're scared, you fear what he'll do when you leave, your constantly anxious, you're constantly sad, you feel like life and love is passing you by because you're not getting the what you deserve, in fact everything is just being taken from you by him.
What is worth all that pain? What is it that keeps you in this situation? If this is anyone else, if this was a friend of yours in this situation, what should they do?
Nothing is worth this, the small moments together where he makes you feel loved and wanted aren't worth this are they?
It really is time to end this OP, you have no other choice. There is literally nothing good about this guy, whatever you see as good, whatever you think is keeping you with him is a lie. It;s all one big game to him or domination and control. It will not change, he will not change and it's just going to keep getting worse and worse.
But don't be afraid, of him or what will happen when you leave. You should be more afraid of the completely broken woman you will become should you stay. The biggest thing you have to fear is more time with him. He is ending you OP, he has already changed you from a happy, independent, intelligent woman who loves life, into an emotional wreck of a woman who is so confused and so hurt that she just can't see any kind of joy in anything anymore.
What are you going to do about that OP?
Your family, your friends they're all becoming heartbroken too, they're losing they're beautiful happy friend. But it's who is losing that the most because you miss that girl too. You need to get her back but first he has to go.
End of story, it has to be the end of you and him. It just has to.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 May 2011):
yeah it is.my STBX does this... it's emotionally bullying.tell him... "so sorry" and KEEP MOVING!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): Hey OP sorry I didn't back to you in your last question, I had intended to and no I don't mind you continuing to ask these things. It just completely slipped my mind, so apologies for not answering.
Here is her last question for those interested:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/help-me-make-a-decision-about-this-guy.html
And the earlier one:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/-he-says-slaggy-looking-girls-are-adding.html
Please read them first, they contains some background on how much of a douche this guy is. Yeah OP, I've come to that conclusion based on the stuff you've been saying.
Is this emotional blackmail, fuck yeah it is (pardon my language).
Here is the history of what this guy has been doing to you pay close attention to his pattern of behaviour here he is a "loser" as described by the article I sent you:
Firstly whenever you go out and have fun with your friends, he adds random young girls to his facebook page in order to make you feel horrible, try and make you feel insecure and jealous. That's a reason to dump him already but there is so much more.
Secondly when you are out with him the very rare time he actually leaves his house, he puts down your friends, he puts down strangers, if someone comes over to you and says hello, he makes derogatory comments and tries to pass them off as jokes, he is downright nasty.
Thirdly when you are out with friends he texts you things such as "I hope you're not seeing other guys lol", "I hope you're behaving yourself", "have you pulled?" when you confront him about this again he tries to pass it off as a joke.
Fourthly whenever you try to talk to him about this, he brushes it off in a nasty way by saying things like "I don't have time for this shit", "can't be arsed with this". again he tries to make you feel like shit for questioning him. The guy is an emotional abuser OP.
Fifthly (yes there's more) he constantly tells you, "never leave me" "I'd be destroyed if you left me". That's more emotional blackmail OP, you don't need to say that in a relationship so often, you say it once and after that it's just assumed.
Sixthly he doesn't want you meeting any of his family or friends, he doesn't have any friends anyway except for that old lady he spends most of his time with.
Finally, we've already established that this guy is a nasty, bitter, loner, asshole that is completely trying to control and dominate you, he's doing almost all the things that are described in that "loser" article. What's worse is this guy is a teacher, I'm training to be a teacher OP, this kind of shit that he is doing, the person he is, is not acceptable at all. If the school board knew what kind of guy he was then he'd be out of a job.
Given all this OP do you stink he wouldn't stoop this low? He's already stooped down to the gutter many times, what makes you think he wouldn't pull the "illness" card out of his ass when he sees that you're no longer willing to tolerate his bullshit.
You see he is doing exactly what your mother said he is, she's an intelligent woman, I know from the posts she's written here. Not that it's a matter of who's right or wrong, if you remember what she said she had this guy pegged from the start, she could see this guy a mile away and she could see all he was doing to you. Remember? She was here looking for a way to help you get out of this and get back to being the happy independent you, and she figured the only way she could really do that is to let you live your life, support you and be honest and try and help you when you asked her. Well she's doing that OP and she's right about this guy.
In fact this is something you too have known a long time too just your love for him wants to believe it's not. Just like your love for him doesn't want to believe he's stooped so low, yet you know in your heart that is exactly what he's doing.
The more you tell us about this the more I think you need to get as far away from him as possible.
OP you only said things were bothering you, you know? His response was to tell you he is seriously ill. So it wasn't even a matter of you leaving him that made him use this, it was the very idea that you wanted things to happen your way that did. So he's using emotional blackmail not as means to keep you form leaving but to keep you completely under his control.
Remember these?
"Its like I come second best to everything he does."
"This situation is something I thought I would never be in or let myself be treated this way"
"I know when i am writing this there are so many red flags and i should run a mile but I wouldnt know how to end it as he would make my life hell as he ended it with me weeks ago and he he was pure nasty, then said he couldnt live with out me."
"This guy is wearing me down, I just dont know where to turn, my friends cant beleive I am still with this guy. Its just not me!"
"Just dont know what to do, everything I write says run a mile!!!"
"I just dont know how to approach this guy on this again without him giving me a vague answer or just ignoring the question or losing his head!!!"
Those are your words OP, you see what you've said? You know exactly what this guy is about, you've said it all yourself. You're not a fool and it's time you realized that none of this is going to change. You've been posting here about 2 months now and it's only gotten worse hasn't it? Well it's time to trust yourself and do what you said you should do and "run a mile".
It's time OP, tell your mom that you need her to help you get out of this situation. That you've had enough and it's time to completely end this, it's time to cut him our of your life for good and you need her support. She'll do all she can to help.
As I said before though, do it in an email, you knew he'd just use words to make you back down if you did in it in person and that's exactly what he did isn't it?
Seriously woman, enough is enough. Read over all your posts, read over all the things you've said in the past few weeks posting here. Read it all, take it all in and just cut this poison out of your life so you can be free and happy again.
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