A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi, please help me, I have been married to my husband for 8 years we have two children. For the last two years my husband's behaviour has dramatically changed. My hubby isn't axactly the ideal man of my dreams he isn't helpful (he was a bit before) he isn't romantic he does things without my knowledge when I have told him so many times not to hide anything he still does but I am still living with him cos of my kids. The main change I have noticed is that usually when we argue my hubby will try to make up as soon as possible by coming and giving me hugs etc but now recently he doesn't even look at me/try to talk to me or anything. He just goes work comes home and sleeps. What I can't understand is that we didn't even have any major arguments so why is he avoiding me? Is he fed up of trying to correct things with me because he says he's the one who always makes the move?In my book he should, cos he's the one who makes the arguments ugly by getting abusive etc, so does that mean he should get fed up? I send him all these texts telling him how I'm feeling, I expect a reply or a call but no he just ignores it, why is he ignoring my feelings, we went through so muuch to get married and now this? Why before he couldn't wait to see me now he can't wait for his day off to see his mates? We never go anywhere together he never makes an effort, can't even get him out of bed calling him 100 times but when it comes to his family needs - he wakes up whether he gets a good nights sleep or not. At the moment my health isn't great, well the other day I mentioned it to him he said what can he do if I got my generation disease. I don't think he's seeing anyone cos he don't have that time as he works 6 days a week but someone else on mind cant be sure. His family is another tension of mine they dont give me the respect I deserve but it dosn't bother him and that really hurts after I have done so much for them. I think if i die today it wouldn't bother him at all.My hubby is adopted, we were living with his mum (who is seperated) but things between me and her didn't go well so we had to move out. Could that be a reason for him to be like he is? At first I was against him going and seeing her, I know that was a wrong thing to do but it was the feelings I had towards her but now I'm okay, I even tell him to take the kids to see her. He now also has a new family cos his dad got married again who's got 4 sons and 2 girls my hubby shows me he does not care about them but he secretly buys them stuff and takes them out, what does this mean? Is he deliberately trying to make our marriage a sham? Doesn't he love me at all? I really want him to improve but he just doesn't. Please help your advice would be most appreciated.
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male
reader, Mr Raindog  +, writes (15 August 2007):
 It's hard for me to gage marital problems of this degree when you only hear one side of the story. I don't see how anyone can honestly answer these sorts of questions when they seem to penetrate every aspect of the marriage, as per your description. What we see of your life is a portion of a triangle and not the pyramid. I can throw out several possibilities as to why your husband may behave the way he does that I can just make up, such as, perhaps he feels that every time you two get into an argument he is the one to blame and goes home to sleep to avoid further arguments. I'm not saying that's true, but it's a possibility. Maybe he's depressed. Oversleeping is a classic trait of depression. Again, I don't know. All I know is that people are motivated to action. It's your job to understand those motivations as best you can.The point I'm trying to make if that you're not going to get any real answers from us, unless you're looking for people to immediately take your side without even making a veiled attempt to getting more information and trying to look at all the different sides and angles. The communication has broken down in your marriage for some reason. My advice is attempt to open up the communications and the best way to do that is to ask questions, listen, and not talk. If that doesn't work, there's marriage counseling. If your husband does not respond to anything you put on the table during sincere attempts to improve the conditions of the marriage and reassess the situation then.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2007): You say your husband goes to work, comes home, sleeps. That's not marriage. You say he may be tired of trying to correct things, what do you refer to? Was he unsatisfied with anything when he was available to talk? Now it seems like you never have time for a conversation and only stayed with him for two years expecting a change and for the sake of the children. All the questions you ask should be directioned to him. And if he refuses to take you seriously or appear to be naturally disposed to save the marriage you'll spend another two years for a change? You sound at the end of your patience, and by what you describe is happening it's only natural you feel so. Once a warm relation has changed, as you say, dramatically, and nobody mentioned why. Not knowing why, you can't remedy things, you're facing an invisible enemy. It could be his rhythm of life (maybe, if there's 25 years difference of age and he never was too active), it could be he's found somebody else, or he changed his preferences, or... apathy, not only being unresponsive to your emotional life, but his work life as well, or his family you don't get along well with percolated rumours. It could be a hundred reasons. Ask. If there's no answer nor intention of change... you'd be very brave to continue as a prisoner of a relation in which you're completely ignored. You say you were patient to also protect the children but this has two implications, as they can see you unhappy and that's not benefactory for them either. I'd convoke him to a talk, immediately. Two years have already been too much.
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