A
female
age
36-40,
*.Maria.S
writes:Okay so, I've posted a few questions previously about confusion regarding my boyfriend. I'm still confused.Well, we had a lot of tension for a while until things cooled and we decided to move back in with our own parents. We did this because he is depressed and wanted to go back to our old town with his recently divorced mom to support her and to go to a doctor and start therapy. He also wanted to work on getting back into college, finding a new job and such. The few weeks we still lived together, he wasn't completely normal obviously, but it still felt like he cared. We went out and did things together and I tried my best to stay positive and support him. Well, he moved back the week BEFORE my spring break, and not wanting to be alone, I stayed with him for the week and the following, I had moved a lot of my own stuff down to my parents. Now things just feel...shaky again. He doesn't like calling me and our online conversations consist mostly of him saying "oh" and "ok" I've reached points of crying in front of him and he didn't seem to care. He's acting so cold to me. But the thing is, is that we've had good days. Things go fine one day...and are crap the next. I try to hide it so I don't upset his depression and what not but the problem is that after a few days of him being back home, his mom had told him he wasn't on the insurance anymore-and he can't get the help he needs and wants. He rarely says "I love you" anymore..and its usually when I say it first. Occasionally he says "love you" before logging offline if I don't say it first. He rarely holds my hand anymore and if i try to take his, he only holds it back sometimes-on the good days. obviously because he has no sex drive, we don't do anything sexual nor do we make out, but he's stopped wanting to cuddle too. He's assured me that he still wants to be with me but some days it realy just feels like he doesn't. I'm always afraid of saying the wrong thing because he gets so irritable and touchy even when I try to be sweet to him. And since he, for some reason, doesn't want to talk much on the phone, one day he just told me to come over. I did. His time was spent on his computer and playing his x-box 360 while I laid on his bed doing nothing. I asked him to sit with me nicely and he bluntly said "no" I know that depressed people can push others away, and become irritable but are these symptoms because of his depression or because he no longer wants me? I'm lost
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male
reader, TorontoGuy  +, writes (28 March 2007):
You are in a tough situation for sure. Dealing with a depressed mate is very challenging and frustrating at times. I know what you mean by good days and bad days and how you dont really know where you stand with the person. One day they are affectionate and happy and the next they shut themselves down and push you away.
I dont think you are being unreasonable to want more in a serious relationship. However, depression is an illness that needs treatment and time to recover. Do your best not to take his distance personally - which i know from experience is very hard to do. I would encourage him to seek the professional help he needs to get better. Depression often makes the victim feel hopeless and unmotivated to accept the help they desperately need. This has nothing to do with you and you cannot fix his problems for him. Be patient and supportive and give him space to work on his own issues.
That being said you are also suffering and you need to do what it takes in the meantime for your own peace of mind. Talk with him when he is on a good day about getting help. Make sure that he is doing something to try to help himself, otherwise you might be spinning your wheels with someone who will be stuck in depression for who knows how long. Give it some time. If you simply cant handle the hot and cold treatment any longer make it clear how this is affecting you and the relationship. If he still refuses to work on things then you might have to make the hard choice to leave. I hope you can work things out, but it will take time and effort. Just be confident that its nothing you are doing that is making him depressed. Im sure he cares about you. Good luck.
A
female
reader, Midge  +, writes (28 March 2007):
 Depression is something that affects people in different ways. My boyfriend suffers from clinical depression, and I can assure you, when he is depressed I could honestly kill him. He is sooo difficult to deal with.
Now when he is depressed, I leave him. I dont phone him or make any contact with him at all. I leave him to make the first move. When he is depressed the best thing for him is to best left to his own devices until he pulls himself out of his depression.
It is extemely difficult especially when you love them. But dont give up on him, he will need your support and when he gets better, your relationship will be all the stronger for it!
My boyfriend and I have been through so much together, and at one point he was depressed for 4 months. I didnt see him in that time, but when he eventually started feeling better, I was there to support him, and we have a stronger relationship because of it.
Stick in there!
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