A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship for going on 6 months. After falling madly for each other I thought that we were doing great. He was attentive, we rarely had harsh words and he ended up moving into my apartment with me. Just last month I noticed that when he came home he got a text (phone was on the coffee table) it was his ex of 4 years whom he claimed just killed him. They had not been together for almost a year when he met me. He had called me by her name once, only bc his daughter kept talking about how she liked me more than her and as I asked him a question he called me by her name. I got upset, he said it was a mistake bc he and his daughter was talking about how wonderful I am and he doesn't want to mess it up. I dropped it. Well about a month ago...she text him little cute smiley faces and he had been responding to her asking her if she got her horns removed (to me that's flirting). Anyways, he got very defensive and said that he would stop. I assumed he had. Just last week, I had a friend coming over for dinner for her birthday and I was cleaning house, his phone went off while I was moving it to fix the pillows on the couch. It said "Guess you have to go now, talk tomorrow?" I lost it, went into a panic attack...it just didn't look good. I confronted him, he yelled at me and said that I don't trust him and he had a problem with that. He claimed he asked her a question bc she works at a doctors office and needed some advice. I explained that he could have asked anyone but her bc now she will intrigued as to what is going on with him. He now feels I can't trust him....I don't think I can. He had told me the previous weekend that she saw us together and she was jealous of me blah blah blah....now she continues to text him daily little smiles, asking him how his weekends are etc...she has even gone as far as texting his mom. His mother said I have nothing to be worried about but of course it hurts me. One night he and I had a long conversation about all the hurt she put him through, leaving him broke, stole his things, pawned the ring she got, stole his car, left him stranded to live in his other vehicle for 4 months.....so why would he lose me over someone who hurt him so bad. It gets worse....he has now turned off all his notifications on his phone...he has an iPhone and they pop up on his screen....well now he has turned off that option and only the noise is there. I feel like he is talking to her and doesn't want me to know, and to make matters worse, his attitude has changed toward me and he is aggressive, defensive and every time I open my mouth he thinks I am either prying or bugging him or asking stupid questions or just not making sense. We fight nightly. I love this man, and before him I was single for a while due to not trusting bc of catching my ex cheating. I have always bent over backwards for my boyfriends and now it just feels like he is playing off my insecurities. What do I do? Should I drop it and believe him when he tells me I'm who he loves and wants to be with or should I just drop him and count it as another loss at 30? He is completely different than any man I've ever met and feel as though she is pulling on his heartstrings to get to him. He claims he won't/can't stop bc she works for his moms doctor and his mom is very sick and he doesn't want her to jeopardize his mom....to me I think its crap...I just want to tell her to leave us alone, but he won't even tell me her last name. Please help give me some advice. Thanks, Feeling heartbroken!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 May 2014):
 I'm with Auntie YouWish as well.
He is pulling a strong DEFLECT on you. Making you out to be the bad guy when HE is the one who is doing things he shouldn't and that he PROMISED he wouldn't do.
And the whole BULL SHIT story about her working for HIS mom's doctor means he HAS to be in contact with the ex or his mom will get crappy service is BEYOND ridiculous.
And it's NOT her (the ex) doing anything wrong it's your BF. She isn't holding a loaded gun to his head saying TEXT me or else!!!
Wake up and smell the coffee, honey. Don't hang on to a guy out of desperation of being 30 and single. SERIOUSLY. Being 30 with a scumbag BF who treats you like a moron is MUCH worse.
Sorry, I would ask him to move out.
A
female
reader, cattycakes  +, writes (7 May 2014):
Yes, everyone is right. He is trying to get back with her. He is putting her above you that shows the pecking order here. I know how much it hurts but he needs to be sent on his way while you consider the relationship. Do this calmly, he will be horrible to you about it and tell you you are mad. You are not. Their relationship will not work out, she is at a low point and is pulling on his string to see if she can get him back. He is being very unkind to you. It is not nice how his loyalty has flipped o her as soon as the possibility showed itself. You deserve better and I am really sorry that he has shown himself so unworthy.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 May 2014):
 I agree with YouWish. He moved in too soon for starters
he's hiding things.
he's deflecting things to make it seem like YOU are the bad guy when it's him misbehaving.
Tell him you need time to think about things and have him go stay with his friends while you figure out how to get out of this mess with him.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (7 May 2014):
 Its simple, the current situation is untenable and will eventually lead to a split and he will blame you for the relationship ending as an excuse to get back with the ex. The safest and difficult route for you , is to tell him you need a break from the relationship as it has become very unhealthy. During the time apart your BF will show his true feelings that is move on to the ex GF or fight to get you back. I hate to be pessimistic but in your case I would not hold any expectation of him coming back as there are clear signs that he is pining for the ex and will try to get back with her. Unfortunately the other advisers are all correct the heart cannot control what it wants and will eventually reach out to what it wants and no amount of crying begging pleading will change that. You say you guys fight every night, honey that's a sure sign that both of you are unhappy and miserable and at this point to him his ex looks appealing and comforting. This is no fault of yours but time for you to stop fighting a losing battle and move on.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (7 May 2014):
 The biggest give-away was the fact that he turned off the notification on this phone. That for me is a sure sign of cheating and wanting to cover your tracks. If he has nothing to hide then why does he have to be sneaky about it?
You asked, why would he lose you over someone who hurt him so bad? Simple. Because the heart wants what the heart wants and in his case he still wants the crazy ex. No matter how terrible/loony/disgusting she was, he *still* has feelings for her and he clearly prefers her over you. No reasons why, sometimes its just that way.
OP you must get something very clear. SHE isn't pulling on his heartstrings to get to him; he is the one who is voluntarily getting himself into a situation where he can still talk to her because he wants to. Lets not just blame the girl here, it takes two people to do what they're doing and your boyfriend is one of them.
I just have one thing to tell you and I hope you listen to me here. Please, for heaven's sake, *do not* ever contact this girl and initiate any kind of contact because that will just make you look as desperate, needy and pathetic as possible. Your boyfriend is a big boy and is capable of standing up for himself and what are you going to tell her anyway when he's the one who wants to talk to her in the first place? Its not like she's harassing him and he doesn't know what to do! If you ever make the mistake of telling her to back off, she'll just laugh at your face and tell you to look at your own boyfriend first because he's the one who cant get enough of her, clearly because he puts her before you, is willing to fight for her and lie to you to talk to her. Open your eyes OP, its not her. Its HIM.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (7 May 2014):
I honestly think that these are the kinds of things that need to be worked on before moving in with each other. Relationships are not about bending backwards just to force "deserved" love and commitment. I am not saying that you are wrong or anything like that. These issues usually pop up early on in relationships.
The two of you are just going to have to talk about this and reach a compromise. You attacked him because you thought he cheated on you, and he is attacking you because he thinks you are just accusing him of cheating. It is a vicious cycle and sadly there is no winner. If you both can not resolve this then you both need time away from each other. You can sum it up.
This woman who is his ex is obviously dangerous and has impacted his life in a very big and negative fashion. Worse yet that she is associated with his mother. I would be very careful about this situation as you proceed.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 May 2014):
 There should have never been any moving into your house within 5 months??! That's much too soon!
His attacking you, turning off notifications, having the knowledge that his ex was jealous (what context was THAT conversation in), shows that you hit the nail on the mark.
If he loved you, his conversations would only be about raising his daughter. Nothing about horns and advice. Her talking about you and being jealous shouldn't have factored into it.
Do you think that a big, strong guy couldn't tell his ex that he wasn't talking about you, nor is he interested in any kind of relationship?
You should get that guy out of your house. Way way way too soon to move in together. Issues aren't resolved between him and his ex. Smiley faces and witty banter for someone who stole from him?? If it were me, I'd only be communicating with someone like that through my lawyer and through the courts, end of story. He is lying.
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