A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hai everyone. ......my boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. Two nights ago my boyfriend told he was going to have some beer with his friend/housemate at a local bar. I told him I was okay with it and that he should have fun. Two hours later he told me they were done and they were on their way home. Around 10 PM I decided to call him to say our usual goodnight but he did not pick up. I thought this was so unlike him so I decided to call again. This time he picked up after a long ring. The moment he answered I could hear girls voices in the background. They were laughing and it sounded so close to the phone. I was about to ask what was going on but my boyfriend quickly hang up on me. I tried calling him after that but he wouldn't pick up my call. I called him five times but still he did not pick up my call. I then decided to call his housemate who then told me he wasn't with my boyfriend and he had dropped him home some two hours ago.I then texted my boyfriend telling him that I knew he was with girls because I heard their voices. Then he told me over text that he was just picking up a letter for work. I told him that he was lying to me then he just said "okay". I tried calling him again he still didn't pick up. So texted him asking why he wasn't picking up my calls then he told me to call back. So I called back. He told me the same story about a letter from work. I asked about the girls I heard in the background he said he didn't know anything about that. So I got really upset and told him to have fun and I hang up.So that was two nights ago. He been calling me after that night but I have been ignoring him because I don't know what to say to him. So today I told him that I need time to think.Is it possible that he is cheating on me or I am just being paranoid.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2015): Okay, you've had a talk and you see he isn't coming clean.
The numbness you feel means your sense of logic is conflicting with your emotions. You were responding to the situation purely on an emotional-level before. Now reason has stepped in to overrule what your feelings are telling you.
I know this phase very well. Been there and done that, girlfriend! It's your subconscious-mind accepting the reality of the situation. It often does that by numbing your feelings to allow you to dismiss the bullsh*t, only sort the facts, and to digest the truth of the matter.
You are becoming aware of your power of decision. You will now think this over without letting your heart rule blindly. It's scary, sweetie. I know.
Just cut-off all contact to allow yourself time and privacy to sort it all out. He will only contact you to play on your emotions, plead his weak case, and stunt your thought processes; thereby causing confusion. Go with the numbness. Think and use logic, not only your emotions to decide how to protect your feelings; or what actions to take.
Write as often as necessary. I'm glad someone else is responding to your post. I hope more ladies respond to you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey thank you all for your answers. I have confronted my boyfriend. He said he left home after his housemate dropped him. And that he went to meet a workmate about a letter from work. And they were at a club which I believe him because I heard the music in the background. But He denies that they were girls in the background and the names of the workmate seems made up. I know he is lying to me. It is irritating. He says he couldn't pick up because there was too much noise. He is lying. He knew I was calling so it's a fact that he was ignoring my calls.The funny part is my heart is numb. I have been cheated on before by my ex boyfriend. That time it really hurt. But this time I don't know. I don't know how I feel. I know he cheated on me even if he didn't have sex with those girls. I have told him I want to break up and that I can't be in a relationship with someone I can't trust. He says he will come over so that we talk about it. I don't know what good this will do. I just feel so numb.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2015): Let him stew in the mess that he's made. You know what you've heard and the best thing you can do is ignore him to make him feel just as upset as you were when he hung up on you and was messing you around.You sound like you've handled this well, I know when ive had suspicions in the past about what my boyfriend was doing ive got angry and lashed out. Although I've known he's been doing wrong my anger made me look like the bad guy.Using an excuse such as getting a letter for work, that doesn't even make much sense. If you know 100% there were girls with him and his friend said he'd dropped him at his home then carry on ignoring him If he ends up telling the truth because you wont talk to him then you can decide from there what to do.He answered his phone and then hung up and ignored you, that's crappy behaviour anyway even if it were innocent.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2015): Sounds like you busted him. There were probably girls that you heard. Once he got home, there was no reason not to answer his phone, if all was legit.
If your guy ignores your calls, and you know you heard women in the background when he did pickup; how are you being paranoid?
He gave you a lame excuse. His housemate dropped him off, and that nonsense about the letter from work makes no sense.
Seriously?!!
He couldn't even make up a feasible lie; it's as though he thinks you're stupid. Maybe he's pretty stupid?!!!
When you confront someone about the truth; and they will not even entertain a decent adult-conversation, you hand them their walking-papers. That's what I'd do, if it were my boyfriend. If we can't talk about it (not argue,yell, or throw a bitch-fit...talk); then he's hiding something. I will not rely on my imagination. I want the facts. I make decisions based on facts. I can handle the truth.
In my book, no response at all is a lie by omission. I consider silence a guilty plea. Show me facts to support your story.
He knew he was busted, and couldn't pickup the phone. So it might do you good to go full no-contact until you decide if he's worth forgiving.
I hate to say this but...like most ladies who come to DC for our help; you may be prone to give-in to him. You'll miss him, he'll give you puppy-eyes. You'll sweep it under the rug, and he'll high-five his flatmate.
In my opinion, he was cheating. Even if he didn't actually have sex with anyone; he had women over with the full intention of doing so. You caught him. The sweeter he comes across, the more guilty he is.
Think it over carefully, my dear. Once your man starts lying, they won't stop if they know you'll dismiss it once you start missing them. Or worse; you're afraid that dumping him will set him free to go after other women. Is it better he'd do it behind your back? He's just a boyfriend, not your husband. They're easier to dump and replace. Even if you love them. It's a matter of trust, principal, and self-respect. Never be taken for a sucker, girlfriend! Trust is valuable in a relationship.
Base your forgiveness on how sincere he is, and your gut-feeling. If he wants to come clean, and confess? Base your forgiveness on how far he went. If he sticks to his lie, kick his ass to the curb! You heard those females!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2015): You know what you heard. If there was some innocent excuse he would've explained thay to you. Instead he is making you out to be an idiot and is pretending he knows nothing about it. Obviously none of us know if he's cheated, but his storied aren't adding up so regardless of that he is lying. You need time to think, I wouldn't want to speak to him until he can explain what he was doing and why he lied to you. If he won't admit lying then do you really trust this guy to be with?
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