A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So, 10 months ago I met a guy at a coffee shop. We hit it off quite well. I had to move away for a job, do we were forced into a long distant relationship. After couple months of virtual conversations, we both fell hard for each other. Despite the fact that we were never officially together, we overcame a lot together. and now we're officially. In less than two months, I'm moving back to my home state, and I'm very excited to see him. For 10 months, we've both been yearning for that physical contact. He did some hurtful things in the past, so now he's on a very spiritual path. Last night he told me, that he's given up mastubation and now he wants to pursue no sex before marriage with the woman he loves. I honestly don't think I can do that. And I think it's selfish of him to ask me to join him in this journey. I'm very overwhelmed and confuse, so aunts, any advice? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 December 2011):
 Take some goood time to think about this. Don't mention it or talk about it. Ask him some questions you get when you have them without confrontation. Then think long and hard and let it sink in. Right now he's caught you off guard with this, which naturally comes as a shock. But neither you or him know how the two of you will work in a physical relationship, holding hands, kissing, caressing etc.
You don't even know how it is to go on a date as a couple yet. There's too many things unknown, and too many things aside from this "no sex" thing that needs to be added to the calculation.
I say, even if he was willing to have sex before marriage, you and him should wait with sex anyway, as you have only dated online so far. You need to date in real life too before you jump to the heavy physical part. Meaning you need to kiss him first, hold hands, go on dates, lay in his arm while watching a movie together, you need to do all of these things first before you can decide to even be his girlfriend, let alone decide if this is someone worth marrying.
I mean who knows you might not want marriage in your life, or marriage might not be on your mind right now, so why should you have to take a stance on such an important matter right NOW? Don't. Take your time and let it all sink in, and take your good time getting to know him as a potential boyfriend, and see if he's someone you even see yourself with in the future...
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 December 2011):
 I personally would see this as a huge red flag and I think it does NOT bode well for a healthy sexual life after marriage.
If he can’t be intimate and physical with you before marriage (and there are ways to be intimate and physical without sexual intercourse or other advanced sexual behaviors) then perhaps he won’t be that way after marriage either… he may still continue to be stingy in the love department.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 December 2011):
 Please make a note of this: NO GUY actually "gives up" masturbating until and unless he has undergone castration surgery......
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2011): "My biggest fear, is not being able to be comfortable with him because of his boundaries."
Set those boundaries and make them concrete so you know what can and can't happen. That way you won't be confused or worried.
OP this will be okay if you can reach an agreement. I dated a girl who was deeply religious before and couldn't have sex before marriage. The only rule she had was no penetration of her vagina with anything and that was okay because you don't need to penetrate to stimulate. So we were able to have mutual sexual satisfaction in our relationship and the physical closeness that sets apart a romantic relationship from an affectionate friendship.
OP you have a clear view in your mind what is and is not acceptable to you in these circumstances. You say you're fine without penetration as long as all the other things remain intact. Well just tell him that. He has made a decision about this without any real consultation, well in order for you to be able to respect his wishes and needs, he needs to be able to do the same.
So instead of this being a unilateral thing on his terms you have to set down your own terms that you need fulfilled too.
Look it will be fine without penetration as long as there will be other closeness and fun.
OP just come to an agreement based on both of your terms. You need some kind of sexual satisfaction and physical closeness, that is non-negotiable, if he refuses then walk away because if he wants to live like a monk then it's better he find a nun to marry.
So respect his wishes but do not back down from having your needs satisfied either because if he's not willing to meet you half way on this then you have a guy who is truly too selfish to be compatible with you.
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A
female
reader, bluecow  +, writes (6 December 2011):
 Are his boundaries so definate that he wants no form of intimacy?No kissing, no cuddling, no massage, no holding hands - I'm not talking sexual here, just sensual.To be honest I would have a hard time being in a relationship with someone I wasnt able to touch.I have a friend who has decided to wait until marriage (she is 31 like me, and wedding is in new yr), however I do know that they are both very intimate with each other in a sexual way.Another friend of mine also waited until marriage, and her boundaries were more defined. They did not touch genitals, or any form of nudity... but they were still intimate with massage and touching and kissing.To be honest I would feel more like a sister or best friend to someone who was unwilling to be intimate at all. How could I know if I wanted to spend my life with him if he refused any form of contact!Do you think your guy would be intimate in a non-sexual way?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate everyone's advice. I'm just angry that he made a decision like this, during our relationship, and didn't tell me till now. And it's not about the "sex". Its more of "love" ( very cliche) but it is. I know how much he loves me, is it wrong to want to feel it?!? and not by penetrations, but with soft kisses, massages, etc. i feel if I pursue to be intimate (kissing, cuddling, hugging) or body-to-body contact, it'll tick him off. My biggest fear, is not being able to be comfortable with him because of his boundaries. I'll be frustrated, trying to think of things (well not the obvious) to not do, to spring on the urges.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2011): Unfortunately if this is the way he wants to go, there's not much you can do about it
You really need to have a think about whether you can openly give this a go, or whether you really cannot restrain from wanting sex with him, and it will in turn effect your relationship
I know its very hard to consider things now and its hard to see into the future, but I guess you are still fairly early into the relationship, particularly physically so it is a time where you can consider whether you want to continue it.
If you dont believe the same as him, then let him know. But this will not change his mind. You cannot force him, just like you cannot force someone to change religions just because you think you know better, or your beliefs are better than theirs. You either respect his choice and try make it work, being open with him about how YOU feel also.
Or you really consider whether its worth keeping the relationship going, or ending it soon. I hope you work out the best thing for you :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2011): He isn't being selfish, he doesn't want to have a physical relationship before marriage and he has that right. If you can't accept that then you should move on and find someone else. Has it occured to you that you might be being selfish for wanting him to do something he has decided he doesn't want? It's a 2 sided coin. Talk to him honestly about how your feeling, and how important the physical part of a relationship is important to you, and listen to his feelings. If you can't both come to an agreement you may have to end the relationship and find someone else. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, bluecow +, writes (6 December 2011):
I think you have to respect his boundaries.
If his morals and beliefs are such that sex should be saved for marriage (regardless of his past) then you must respect that.
What I would qualify is whether that means you cant be intimate at all.
Does this mean no kissing?
No petting?
No physical contact?
There are so many ways to be intimate with someone, and good "sex" doesnt have to mean penetration. What about massage, touching, licking etc etc etc
You need to qualify his boundaries, and respect them. Find other ways to be intimate that he is comfortable with. I would also be wanting to qualify why he feels masturbation is so bad? Its a VERY healthy thing to do imho (when not taken to obsession of course).
If you want to be with him as much as it sounds, then you really will have to decide if the waiting is worth it to you.
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