A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some urgent advice. I have been dating a guy for 2 months. He is 40 years old and his mother is living with him. We have different backgrounds in the sense that I grew up middle class where he is an only child in a rich family. We are intellectually well matched and enjoy the same things. His mother has however become a big problem. As we live in different cities about 60 km from each other we mostly see each other on weekends only. She has now become upset because he doesn't spend time with her. I don't think I can ever live in the same house as her, as I am used to my own place. I am currenty living in my own house. I don't know how to go about this. I have discussed this with him, but he feels that she is old with bad health and she needs him. I am starting to think he is a real "mommy's boy". I want to build a solid relationship but she is making this impossible. I have big doubts to my future with this man, as it seem to be a package deal that includes his mother! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, female101101  +, writes (17 February 2013):
Hi, I am currently at a cross-road myself, and came across your post. I am a veteran of this issue, having been with my 'mommy's boy' husband for almost 15 years. I do not even live in the same country as her - in fact, as far away as possible. But I need to let you know that you are looking at the tip of the iceberg when you focus only on the behaviours that your partner exhibits with respect to his mother. This is a sign of a much deeper issue - a failure to develop a proper, individuated identity, and an ongoing reluctance to learn from adult social worlds. There is a difference between someone who is just concerned about his mother versus someone who is internally wedded to her. The former is fine; the latter, regardless of how much time he actually spends with this person, is the issue. From someone who thought this could be resolved early on in the piece and is now looking back at 15 years spent with a person incapable of having a proper adult relationship with a woman, run for the hills. If I had my time again, I would do exactly that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2011): definitely a mommys boy. am going thru that as well and am now starting to realise that we really dont have a future together since his commitments are with his mom, altho we have a child together it seems as if his main duty is to keep his mom satified and happy even tho she has her husband. its frustrating cause he s a really nice guy but we argue all the time about this. he hates when i tell him he needs to stand up to his mom as a man. its been three years now and am seriously thinking about moving on. we shouldnt have to feel as if we are competing with the woman who gives them birth..... its biblical that a man should leave his parents
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female
reader, 2020vision  +, writes (4 October 2010):
well i am married 2 years and when i first met mom in law she was extremely cold, and then when she realized i was not going anywhere she mellowed but when we got engaged she wanted the wedding in a certain place and said she could not go to he wedding if it was not in a certain place , i stood my ground and won that hurdle but since getting married we are there with her every week which i dont mind i like her but xmas we take turns going to each home , my mom one year and her hte next, she asked me why i had to do that and my reply was i have a mother too.
But since setting up home i feel like my husbands mother i have taken on what she dropped off, he is encapable of dealing with any kind of upheaval , stress money, because it was always taken care of, he gives me what he can for bills...emmmm what he can whats that all about just fed up... i came from a just get on with it background i worked for my own money since i was 12 never had anyone proping me up and my attitude it just get on with it, but i feel he is very weak and when he does not get attention from me he calls his mom and complains to her and she says ah poor you .....drives me crazy
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2010): Yes, he is, and so am I. At 36 I've had several emotionally close relationships with women, and dreamt of being a dad, but find sex and passion impossible to deal with. I've just broken the heart of a lovely woman who had a lot of pre-existing problems that I've only added to. Can I change? I thought I could, and she did a lot to help me see how I could, but in the end I didn't deliver. I don't know what to do with my life, but I know being honest with myself is key to not hurting anyone else again like this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009): I have to disagree with some of what i have read. There isn't just one type of unhealthy relationship between mother and son. Sometimes the son can be very dependent on the mother, true, but other times the mother is very dependent on the son. This second type of relationship is a mother who manipulates her son to cater to her every whim. My BF has this type of relationship with his mom. It goes beyond wanting to help her in the needed ways. He feels obligated and guilty if he is not there with her catering to her. They even party together and such, doing things he should be doing with friends, not a parent, with her. It is like he is son and also fills the void of her lack in the relationship with her BF. I don't want to make him feel like he is having to choose between us, but he will have to put things in perspective to continue to grow our relationship.
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female
reader, Gul  +, writes (24 December 2008):
I etched a portrait of my boyfriend for him. He framed it, however, before hanging it on his wall, he started entertaining the idea of giving it to his mother for Christmas, or, may be, for Mother's Day.
Can someone tell me if this is a sign of being a mamma's boy?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2008): I am dealing with the same thing and it truly dates back to the parental/son relationship and how she has raised him. He feels obligated to meet her needs while in some ways he doesn't realize he's neglecting his own rights to true happiness with you. My boyfriend is allowing his mother to give him bad advise about me due to him paying all of the bills but to be honest this mother of his is just afraid your going to take her son from her instead of being happy he's found a good woman to share something really special with. I think you should have a heart to heart with him or maybe try talking with the mother I discovered how my man got messed up in the mommas boy syndrome just by talking with his mom, it's really painful because as I respond my heart hurts even more trying to discuss this and truly as a young woman I need advise myself. I hope he's able to straighten things out stay prayerful about it.
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female
reader, MandySoGreat26 +, writes (7 November 2008):
I am dealing with the same thing and it truly dates back to the parental/son relationship and how she has raised him. He feels obligated to meet her needs while in some ways he doesn't realize he's neglecting his own rights to true happiness with you. My boyfriend is allowing his mother to give him bad advise about me due to him paying all of the bills but to be honest this mother of his is just afraid your going to take her son from her instead of being happy he's found a good woman to share something really special with. I think you should have a heart to heart with him or maybe try talking with the mother I discovered how my man got messed up in the mommas boy syndrome just by talking with his mom, it's really painful because as I respond my heart hurts even more trying to discuss this and truly as a young woman I need advise myself. I hope he's able to straighten things out stay prayerful about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2008): I may be younger than a few of you but I'm experiencing this early & stuck in the situation too. I am 26 years old & have been dating this guy (turning 31) for the past 6 years. He's an only child. We moved in together 8 months into the relationship in a small apartment. That didn't work out so with being asked by him to move into his mother's house with him, I agreed b/c at the time thought it would be a short stay. Noooo, that turned into 6 years later (mostly my fault for not being able to save a damn dime), realized that I have seen the part of him & his mother that I didn't want to see.
I have seen in the past years that she did not teach him how to be an adult & take care of his OWN things such as ~ life insurance, car payments, car insurance, credit card, mail, taxes, etc. I try to keep it to myself in this house for him. I recently snapped on him letting him know the real deal, how he's a mommy's boy & of course how I feel about it. In the short period of time we were living apart from her, he rarely talked to his mom (which wasn't good either in a way) and now I know why (I'm normally not the mean type). She has a life insurance policy on him, who handles it, her ~ he gives her money & she pays it. What kills me the most is that kids out there get cars, pay for them, but it's under their parent(s) name b/c it's cheaper in some cases. Now see, that disgusts me b/c it's cheating the system & it's like I wanna tell them to grow up. She decided to have him as a cardholder on her credit card when he was like 21 or whatever, he still uses it ~ why not grow up & get your own like any other grown man does. He won't take care of his own mail, if mail comes in for him ~ she takes care of it. She still treats him like he's 15-16, tells him he better not go spending his money on this, that, and whatever else. Tells him he better not go out drinking, etc. The man is VERY responsible when it comes to making smart decisions, etc. He knows not to drink & drive, he knows not to do drugs, etc. & believe it or not, he doesn't do any of that ~ which to me, I believe is a very responsible guy. Thankfully, she did a GOOD job on that part. He's a great guy, treats me great ~ couldn't be treated any better, happy and everything with him ~ I just can't take the mommy's boy in him. He had a click of friends for years (still to this day, same friends) that use to tease him about bein' a mommy's boy. Fortunately, I was warned about moving in with his mom, how HARD it is to live with her but I did not realize I was in for this.
When I wanted to talk to him about this in the past, I use to beat around the bush b/c I didn't want to bluntly come out and tell him how it really is & end up hurting his feelings. Then, finally couldn't take it anymore and snapped about it, last week. After two days of him hearing it, all I heard out of his mouth was "I don't want to hear about it anymore". He doesn't want to face the truth which a shame. His solution to the problem is that we will be out in 6 months. Yes, I know that he would probably not talk to her as often anymore after we move but that's not healthy either. He says there's a brick wall in front of her when he tries to tell her to stop treating him like a child. There's a bunch of little issues that turn into a big issue with me not liking her as a person, one is that she puts her nose is EVERYONE'S business where it definitely does NOT belong & asks a MILLION questions about everything. I'm afraid it's going to be like that when we move but I really don't know if it can be if we don't allow her to be, although she will question him out and he answers everything truthfully, unfortunately.
Now, we're suppose to be moving out on our own in 6 months (thankfully, this issue was a push for me to save faster) & buy a house together, something tells me that it might be a big mistake & that I'll be having him buy me out sooner than later. I don't want to waste my money. According to him, a ring & a baby is coming when we move, do I want that? I'm stuck, just as much as you are.
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female
reader, Nuclearcat +, writes (23 September 2008):
Run for your life! He will never change and she will continue to make your life miserable. The reason it has lasted as long as it has is because you live in a different city. Ask yourself, why does she not have a man her own age in her life. It's probably because shes not a very nice person!
Just a thought!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2008): I share the pain with those who married to a mommy's boy. We are both 43 years old and have been married for almost 6 years. Before marriage, we lived in different countries and thus, it was a long distance relationship. I failed to observe what he is like when he is with his family. Only if I knew then, I probably would make a different decision.
Now we live in a different house from my parents-in-law but my husband shares every small details with his mom everyday. My husband lacks inertia to things happened around our home but very eager to help out when his parents need assistance. He shares thoughts with them but not me. I feel emotionally very distance from him. Because of this, for the 6 years that we have been married, I might only have sex with him less than 10 times. Funny is that he never complains.
I have explained many times in a harmonious fashion how I feel in this relationship. He remains unchanged. Mommy's boys are very selfish. If you see your boyfriend has these "qualities", either you are prepared to live with it. If not, you better get out before you get too deep. I lack fuel to stay in this relationship. What's the point of "communicating" when he refuses to make any changes. I am losing my self esteem when I am consistently being treated as a second class citizen. There are times I hate him that I can't even talk to him nor look into his eyes. So my advice is to stay away from mommy's boys.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2008): I'm sorry women, this is what has become of men & boys in society. You don't want them to be boys, you want them to be or act like the girls. The shouldn't be active, playful, energetic or have the need to go outside and play. They shouldn't fight, they should stand there and take it. That's a good boy, don't fight, don't stand up for yourself. No you should be subservient. You should act like the girls, go read a book, sit down and be quiet.
Sorry, what do you expect. You coddle them and on the other side you raise your daughter's to be princesses. They do no wrong, and are brought up to believe that the man is to take care of her. You also need to stop with you'll never marry. Why cause she'll never meet or live up to mommy's standards or expectations. Will she? If he rebels against mommy then the wife is a bitch that stole her little boy. On the other hand mom's you need to let go and live with the fact that the bird leaves the nest and has to go on his own. Respect that and you may find that you'll have a better relationship than if you keep pressing for the affection that the woman in his life has and should have. Moms stop trying to make the son's choose. It is not fair. Why should he choose? He has decided to take this woman as his bride. He is his own man, let him be his own man.
Two last things, first, I'm here to tell you that no man was put on earth to please someone else. The only person that was put on earth to make you happy is you. Second, raise your children both boys and girls with care, love and respect, with the realization that they are going to grow up and lead lives of their own.
As an aside, I have to boys and I am raising them to be their own person, so that when they leave the house the are able to stand on their own two feet. I will always be here for them, but they will have their own lives.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): I'm in a marriage with a man that his mother won't let go of him. I'm cut down at every turn and blamed for every thing that's gone wrong in her life since I married him. I'm very unhappy with the relationship. I thought he'd at least defend our marriage when It came to his mother but, nope wrong again. Better to let him go. If he really loves you he'll come after you and tell his mom that he loves you and like the bible says "leave his parents and cleave to his wife" if he doesn't, now he won't then.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2007): i think first search your own feelings. it may be that you want to have exclusive possession over him and therefore perceive his mother as a threat. maybe. or he may truly be a mommy's boy which will be a heartache for you should you attempt to have a husband/wife bond with him.
it could be that if he is a good and responsible son, that he will be a good and responsible husband as well. you may even like his mother and form a relationship of your own with her.
give it some time and examine it from many perspectives.
if he takes responsibility for his mother solely, and excludes you as a partner this could be dangerous. were you to marry, both of you jointly would be responsible for her care. it would be a threesome for sure, but could be a healthy one.
i have a mother in law issue as well that i am dealing with and frustrated with, and i have a daughter with a new husband so i am the mother in law. so i have a few perspectives on the whole thing and i have come to sort it out by trying to "self-examine" who i am and what i want. as far as my daughter, i trying to develop a healthy relationship with her new husband through small converstations, through treating them as a "them". I try not to single her out of the relationship but try to treat the relationship as a unity.
as for my mother in law, she simply refuses to let go of her son. she is a mother and only a mother and her entire identity comes from that. she is not married. she depends on him for emotional support. it truly disgusts me. she will not have a relationship with me because she wishes that i did not exist. i wanted out many times but then i try to look at my husbands reactions to her and i see how unhappy she is making him. i try to help him know that he is not his mothers emotional life support. this is an ongoing effort and at times exhausting.
anyway hope this helps, at least you know you are not alone
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2007): I have been married for 4 years to a mommy's boy . I am 41 and he is 46 years old. Although I don't know for sure, I suspect his mother never liked any of the women in his life.They sometimes go out for lunch without me of course and there is something very sneaky about my husband and he lies to me and puts his mother before me when it comes to seeking advice. I don't think he can emotionally share himself whith another woman at all. It's like I live with a stranger. He only likes to hang with a couple of his buddies and when his mother expects him to be somewhere he's almost always there. Over the past 4 years. she has only called me once because she was returning a call from me.They seem to only talk when i'm not around and he always checks in with her if we go out of town. There are many different varieties of mommy's boys. I can tell you that there is never any releif if you choose to stay in this kind of relationship. He will never change. I am now living in my own house and still married to him although he filed for divorce last year while he was out of town on a hunting trip and hid in the mountains when I got served.Since then the divorce was cancelled, but I wonder if it was the right thing to do.I'm miserable and feel so alone and He won't ever change. Mommy's boys are very selfish when it comes to intimate relationships.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2007): I fully agree with Irish49. You know why? Because I am in your man's situation. I need to look after my mother. My sisters married when I was too young to leave the house and now I need to stay here.Now, there's one thing I would like to warn you about. Because the mother depends on your guy, maybe for health reasons (like mine), she will not like you until she is sure you mean "no harm", that is, until she knows that her son won't leave her alone with her diseases. This is not easy. Make sure you truly understand what situation she is in. Sometimes mothers are possessive and exaggerate their illnesses to blackmail a child to stay with them.
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female
reader, Sincere_07 +, writes (8 June 2007):
Oh Dear!
I have first hand experience with this sort of situation and i can honestly tell you, you will never be able to compete with his mother.
I don't know if it's something in a mans genes but there is a high percentage who walk around as men leaving there genitals in their mothers handbags.
My mother was married to such a man. He was not an only child but had been raised by his mother alone. His mother, after a 12year war, is what broke the relationship. She finally got her own way poisoning him against my mother.
When they got together my mother was almost 40 and Phillip was just 17. From day one his mother was (i was witness to a few discussions he didn't know anyone could hear) drumming into him that he would never have his own children, he would be carrying my mothers baggage around for the rest of his life, she's to old for him etc
I don't know what it is about women and their sons, i have to admit my mother is exactly the same with my brothers no one is good enough for them, and my two brothers are horrid to women and always demand more than they are prepared to give.
You need to sit with him and discuss where your relationship is going to go. If she is genuinely a nice old dear, then how about you speak with him and you all start to spend time together? obviously you don't get to much time together as it is but i strongly suggest testing the water deeply before you jump in and take the whole package.
It could work out that a few hours lost with his mother now could mean the rest of your lives together. Or, it could mean you can't take the relationship between him and his mother. DO NOT EVER let her think you are not good enough for her son and certainly don't let her push you a side.
If you feel yourself being sucked into a situation and you really don't want to go there, then he can't be right for you and you should end it before it gets to deep. Anyone who pushes you into a situation you don't want to be in, regardless of what you tell them, can't really care about what you think or feel.
It is his decision to want to be with you he just has to be strong enough and break free from his mothers grasp long enough to tell her.
I suggest you have a quick chat with him let him know how you feel, and do try not to ruffle feathers. If it is that he decides his time is best spent with his mother then it is his loss and you should move on and find a guy who treats you like the goddess you are and has no mothers approns strings guiding him on his way x
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2007): Let's see if I have this right. You've been dating a 40 year old, long distance, you both seem compatible and he live with and cares for his elderly Mother. You do mention "you can never live in the same house as her, as you are used to your own place." And you both have actually discussed this You both are clipping along quickly for just 2 months, I will say. But it does sound like you communicate well and the 'cards are being laid out on the table'. Have you been around his Mother and seen how he interacts with her? If you haven't...you should. Why? Because you have to distinquish whether he is a Mommy's Boy or if he's a good, loving son, who is being responsible for his elderly parent, who needs help. Maybe her health is failing and he simply feels obligated to help her? Does he still have his own life apart from her? Makes his own decisions without her approval? The key component I see here, is that your relationship is just in it's infancy (2 months old)---you and he are still establishing a deep friendship and bond, that may one day, supersede his bond to his Mom. I guess I am trying to make you understand, that his close relationship with his Mother, might possibly mean that he has the potential to be a sensitive, affectionate and responsive man to you. Could you be too focused on competing with his Mom? I suggest you step back, and take yourself out of this race and really look and see what is happeneing here.
A Mommy's Boy is a grown man who is far too enmeshed emotionally and co-dependant on his mother to the point of absurdity. Men like this never have healthy relationship a with love interest. He's emotionally distant with his dating partner and she always feels 2nd best, all the time. He does turn to his Mother for approval on all he does. Some questions to think about. Does he have his own personal life apart from his Mother? Does his Mother do his laundry, cook for him and smother him, all the time? Does she put you down? Does he back her up on all she says excluding your thoughts and input? Now the Mother who has a deep relationship like this, with her son, is quite often an exploitive, strong willed person and her actions do not say love at all, exsists. She's a taker and he is mistaking her manipulations for healthy love.
I am a Mother of a 26 year old son. He by no means, is a Mommy's boy. He is very strong, independant and has a separate life and although seeks my advice sometimes, he certainly does not hang out on my doorstep..that would drive me batty! I do not offer to do his laundry nor clean his house. (Never!) In fact, I avoid doing that like the plague...he's on his own. But like all my kids, we share a healthy and respectful relationship. I will admit that 99.9% of Mothers out there want to remain connected to their children, adult children, included. But the Mother and adult child must find the proper balance between being support ive to each other and and not too overly-dependent. Some Mothers have a hard time with this concept..they don't know how to step back. So the problem could be 'more' her that your bf.
My advice: Let him know your needs in this relationship and see how this plays out for another few months. You have spoken to himn about this...keep it up and go and observe them together, if you haven't already. But, if there ever is a point where you want to be with him,,set a boundary on what you expect. You can say "However, she is older and in poor health and I respect your caring relationship with her. But you need to know--I will support you in all you do to be helpful to your family, including your Mother. And if we do live together someday, I need you to know--I will not live with your Mother." But dear, if you really, really do feel he is a Mommy's Boy in the worst, way...bail now. Men like this feel entitled to a devoted, special love without having to give back--and he may expect you to 'Mother' him long after his elderly Mother, passes on. Just something to think about. But make the best decision for you.
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