A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, thanks for looking :) - I'll try to keep this brief!I've been with my partner for 6 years, living together for 2. I'm 24 and he's 26, and we are usually very close. He's actually a super sweet guy - all my friends think so, and hes kind, caring and sensitive.I've noticed he's lied to me a lot over the years - usually white lies and things that wouldn't really bother me if he was just honest. After a few years into our relationship he always lied about how much alcohol he drank - he used to always downplay how much he'd had, then his mum would tell me he'd been drinking too much - he also did the same when eating takeouts - not that I would ever judge him lol but he said he was embarrassed to tell me. He also lied about going drinking on lads nights out a few times, mainly because it was easier to lie.We almost broke up this year because I got offered a job where he currently works, and he started to panic and tell me not to take the job. It was actually his idea that I went for the job, so I found this odd. I didn't take the job, but knew he was hiding something - he did admit to me that the reason he didn't want me to work there was because he'd been going to the pub every day in between work, and had never told me because it was 'easier not to.' He still goes to the pub and it doesn't bother me one bit- it only annoys me that he lied. I was actually relieved that it didn't turn out to be a bigger lie.Well only recently he brought some weed in the house (as a one off) and I agreed that he could smoke it. He's always told me he never tried it before, but admitted today that he's had it several times whilst we've been living together (he had some at his brothers house then came home and went to sleep - I hadn't noticed he'd had any of course). He said he lied as he didn't know how I would feel. I'm not upset about the weed - more that he lied.I'm not too bothered about his actions as long as he's good to me.'. but rather his white lies - they are frankly doing my head in. We've had many talks recently and he is otherwise a loving loyal boyfriend whom I love - he also agreed to be more honest with me. Should I leave it at that, or talk with him again? I don't think he would ever cheat, but I'm losing faith in him. Thanks guys!
View related questions:
broke up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 December 2016):
 I don't think he sets out to hurt you, I just think he knows deep down that he has issues with alcohol so he tries to cover it up, because that is what alcoholics do. I mean who goes to the pub half way through work for a drink? Sweetie he is on a very slippery slope. For now it is hiding alcohol and occasional weed. But what if that becomes not enough and he starts dabbling in harder stuff? I mean he won't tell you as he is ashamed off what he does. You need to talk to him about his alcohol use. Ask him does he feel he has a problem when he lies so much.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2016): I think he is embarrassed of his choices and behavior and doesn't want you to see him in a bad light. It's more about how he feels about himself than how he feels about you- who I think he loves, wants to be with and doesn't want to view him badly. It also sounds like he may have a problem with alcohol? And yes lies will make you doubt him... but right now he's rather not feel embarrassed from his perspective, and isn't seeing the bigger picture of how it is natural to doubt someone who can lie.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2016): My ex was an alcholic. He got into serious trouble and the court mandated him to go to three meetings a week. He sobered up and confessed to me that he drank far more than I ever thought he did. He hid booze, lied to me about where he went and how much he drank constantly. Your bf has a drinking problem.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (18 December 2016):
 I agree with the other posters, sounds like he's got a drinking problem and lying to cover it up.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2016): Yes I agree too. That would be the alarm bell for me. His lies are mostly connected with how much he drinks. Lies and addiction go hand in hand. Sorry to say that his drink problem, which he seems to have, would be the greatest concern for me. He won't admit to that I'm sure, so where you go from here is tricky. If I were you I would go along to some Al-Anon meetings for the partners of alcoholics. You could see if what you heard at the meetings, sounded as if it could be applied to your boyfriend. You could also ask advice from people who would probably be able to recognise if your boyfriend's behaviour pointed to a drink problem. As you have been together for a long time, I'm sure you'd want to find out the truth.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2016): Does he lie about other stuff? Right now it seems he's less of a liar and more of an addict. Even if his addictions are not as bad as some other peoples, it's still an addiction. Weed is a legal uhoh but a relatively mild drug so this post is primarily about alcohol which is a very serious drug that can cause horrible situations. What do you think will happen in 5 years if nothing is done about it? Will he drink less? more? same? Do you even know how much he is actually drinking? Don't lose faith, he isn't really a liar by nature if it's just this one thing, alcohol, is turning him into a liar. And if that is the case there's very little talking about the lying will do about it. You'd have to address the root cause, the drinking. That is much much harder if he isn't willing to notice his problem. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (18 December 2016):
 I am inclined to agree with anon. Don't you find it odd that he can't go a full workday without alcohol?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2016): It seems to me his lies are covering a drink problem. When people know deep down they can't cut something out or stop easily they lie to cover it up. If you care about this guy you will be concerned about his drinking and drug habit not the way he lies - his health will not last. If he was lying about pinching biscuits from the tin you'd laugh it off. Stop making excuses for his behaviour by focusing on his lies.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 December 2016):
 I'd be VERY honest with him and TELL him that LYING (even white lies) are making you lose trust and faith in him. The fact that he seems to think LYING is "easier" than telling you the truth is NOT a good thing.
I know everyone lies here and there, but for some, it becomes a pattern, like for your BF and his excuse? It seems to be " well if I don't LIE to you, you will get mad or see me in a bad light" - so basically... he is blaming you. Not a very mature thing is it? And I think you need to talk to him so MAYBE this can be nipped in the bud.
Does it make him likely to cheat, no I don't think cheating and lying ALWAYS go hand in hand. Though people who CHEAT do lie to cover their tracks, but people who lie doesn't always cheat.
What it does is make you doubt what he says CONSTANTLY. Because obviously he can be full of crap.
...............................
|
