A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid Hi aunts and uncles I hope all is well, To give you some background I'm 34 and live in London. 3 weeks ago my father died very suddenly of a heart attack and my world has been turned upside down. I had a big trip to usa with my best girles planned for ages and everyone said I must still go, went to Vegas, LA etc. I had the best time and now I've just got home and don't know what to do about everything... See I didn't miss anyway whilst away And in LA I felt happy and like this is where I should be this is home. I'm not close to rest of family and so didn't miss anyway. I do however have a Boyf of 2 years! We have just signed a contract for a year on a flat (apartment) and are due to move in next week. He's been amazing and is lovely best guy ever! but I didn't really miss him instead I can't help but think I'd love to move to LA and be single. I also have a good job but I'm bored. He's not keen on it (moving to LA) I'm now thinking should we be together. We don't have a great physical relationship just because he's not that type not wild like me, I fancy him but not like want to rip clothes off no passion. It's more I look at him and want cuddles or a kiss but not into him other ways. I also met a hot guy in Vegas - we spent 3 days together and we didn't sleep together but we did everything else. Or I can't help but think I wish I had just slept with him. He was wild and sexy... And I'm missing him even though he turned out to be a douche bag in end.... But I guess I was just fun for him he lives in Vegas and does it every weekend with a different girl! Anyway my mates tell me I should move in with my boyf for the year, talk to him about moving to LA! Then see how got on and if I still feel same in six months than I should sort out moving and maybe not with him. I'm just so confused, I don't know if it's because dad died been away and I've not been living in real world etc. But I can't help thinking I want a fresh start in the sunshine new people new guys etc. What do you think should i lose the money on flat and dump Boyf go straight to LA. Or listen to everyone i know, stay see how it goes once we live together and than make decisions as I know it takes a while to sort getting a visa etc. I'm just so confused
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2015): I'd advise to fess up, but not break up with the bf. Just let him decide but he needs to know the truth.You seem very unsure as to whether you're happy with him or not. "He's been amazing and is lovely best guy ever! "That's not something I think anyone will say for someone they felt nothing for. "But I didn't really miss him..But I'm not really attracted to him". Ok, 1) Missing him- I wouldn't worry. It's only a couple of weeks after all. Is not like you should be joined at the hip. 2) Attraction-that's the only part, I'd be concerned about, BUT I mean, by what you describe-no one feels that "rip your clothes off" attraction after a few years. I must ask is that your first long-term relationship? Have you never experienced a "plateau" stage in a relationship before?Also, attraction etc. is a bit like a fire that you have to kindle. If you do nothing with your bf to maintain the flame, then of course there will be no flame.Grieving- yes, I believe that grieving can make one irrational.A lot of people actually cheat when they go through a grieving process as well (not that this is an excuse for you, more of an explanation).In your place, if I could be rational (I doubt it. I'll probably be a mess. Sorry to hear about your loss) I would first deal with myself, my grief, the consequences of it and the aftermath (i.e. you've suddenly realised life is short, it can end at any moment and you've realised it in a horrible way- therefore re-arrangement of the priorities in your life might be essential RATHER than running away from YOUR CURRENT life).Afterwards, I'd deal with the drama created from this break-up (or conversation or the consequences for your cheating that your bf might lay up on you- such as guilt tripping etc. Well deserved it seems (and you don't show any remorse for it in your wording, so it might not be drama for you but just for him)) HOWEVER point is that I don't think is a good idea for you to create by yourself extra drama in your life at this difficult period in your life.You can't string the dude along, you have to fess up and deal with it, BUT make sure that this on top of your dad's passing doesn't push you in "oh, poor me/depression" territory that is hard to get out of.To ensure you are able to navigate through this mess NOT of your making (your dad's passing) and through the one of YOUR making (cheating and hurting someone else), I think you should take care of your mental health by buying appropriate books (for dealing with grief) and seeing someone who can help you ( a specialist of some sort: psychologist, therapist, counsellor, whatever works for you).Take care of yourself, live a good life and try not to hurt the people you meet on your life journey.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (1 May 2015):
Honeypie’s right, you need to end this relationship because there’s nothing really there anymore other than staying in it out of fear of the unknown. She is also right that living somewhere is a very different prospect to having a holiday there. I’ve often thought about packing up to Spain: the wine, the sunshine, the slower pace of life, the fact that I can speak the language fairly well. Then I remember I don’t have a job, any friends or anything there and would probably be alone and isolated. It just makes me look forward to the next holiday there. Is it going to be the same city when you’re jobless and on your own, miles away from anyone you know? If you can take anything from this, I think for now you need to focus on ending your relationship. Before you make any other drastic move like this. You need to get used to being single and the joys and challenges that come with it. Maybe go for another visit, and visit other places too. Enjoy yourself, but don’t rush in to making any major life decisions for a while yet. Is this grief talking? I don’t know, but perhaps it’s brought your unhappiness to the surface and made a new life somewhere far away seem tantalisingly attractive, but I would advise the same thing regardless of whether you had experienced such a recent loss or not. My heartfelt condolences for your loss.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 May 2015):
 Well, I DO think you should break up with your BF. Because while you may not have had sex with Mr. Las Vegas you DID cheat on your BF with him. You say you want a new start... So start by doing your BF a favor.. and end it.
I think you are with your BF out of familiarity, because you are used to having him around. You even state that you aren't really all that into him. Though I have to say most people don't have the OH LETS RIP his shirt of feeling constantly - not after 2+ years, most people mellow out a little in a relationship.
I do NOT think you should move in with him. YOU will regret it and you will BLAME him for you knowing exactly what you want. And you should TELL him now, so he can either FIND a room-mate or cancel the lease.
I'm sorry you lost your Dad. That can be a big blow, but I also want to caution you that being this self-centered, will get you NO WHERE in life.
Another thing is being on vacation for a couple of week versus living in a place like LA. There are MANY places that I have been as a tourist I'd NEVER want to live in. (Paris for one...) Moving to LA without having a job or a place to live is not a smart thing. There are LITERALLY THOUSANDS of young TALENTED hopefuls living a life of poverty, hand to mouth who never make it in LA.
Moving to LA (or anywhere else) should NOT be a decision made on a "spur of the moment".
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