A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is Gender Ambiguity considered a major block in the road towards marriage? Is it something society is able to accept now? I have found a wonderful person to marry but I do not want to bring her a lifetime of meanness and hatred that some people might have from the fears of the unknown regarding the "Gender" issue.What is likely to happen? Should I marry or stay resigned to a life without a partner?I was born in an ambiguous gender and internally I still have parts of both genders. A female name was provided me months after my birth date and an operation that disfigured me from being a male. As a child some people treated me like a girl making me wear dresses and others treated me like a boy letting me help keep up the yard and fix the mower and tractor. I have always felt I was a boy and played with the boys since grade 1 in school. I insisted on wearing male clothing and male toys or interests. When I reached puberty breasts formed. I tried hard to deal with that hiding them at first and changing my demeanor to fit that of a girl eg. no more fights on the playground. I was attracted to girls and later to women and was confused as I did not think I fit in with the lesbian crowd at all but they are who became attracted to me as I was still quite masculine acting and looking; physically I was very muscular and tall. If I dated a guy I would have felt like I was in a gay relationship, (I have no opening to offer a straight male partner either.) so I started to avoid relationships all together in the real world until later when I got a computer. I tried to learn where I fit in and experimented with being close to people who became attracted to me there. This was obviously limited and never did feel right and because I had nothing really to offer other then typing to someone I soon gave up on that as well. In the real world I had to accept facts that everyone saw me as female though and would refer to me that way not only because of the breasts but also because of the name I was given. eg. "excuse me Miss"Recently I learned about people changing genders and having operations and in the past I would have jumped at that chance when I was a teenager to have such an operation, but now that I have a college degree and a work history and am way over the age for hormonal therapy to change my bodily features, though it might help grow a beard (I am not able to use general anesthesia as it has a high chance of killing me because of a genetic ailment I was born with). I have been succeeding at pretending to be a female as that is what I am for all practical purposes on the outside, but it felt very foreign and alien to me to act like a female just like it would feel for a man to go drag, but I did study and practice being more feminine to the point were I feel more natural with it now after many years of working at it. I just had to learn how to be more feminine acting. I hoped that this might also help with the issue of lesbians believing I must be butch and confused into thinking I was a lesbian too. Acting more feminine did eventually succeed at keeping the lesbians from becoming interested in me as a mateI have not found any males who are interested in me but recently I did find a female (on the internet) who is very interested in me and she is straight (and she treats me like the male I feel myself to be inside too which is super!) but I told her I had many ailments that would make it not likely for us to be able to be closer then just friends; she did not mind as her love was strong so she pushed to be closer then just friends and we both love each other very much. I eventually had to let her know about the gender problem as well because she wanted to get to know me more and become lovers. She has accepted my gender issues very well but I am still legally a female and we would really like to get married one day. (Like yesterday! ha ha)I know I can not have an operation and if I continue to encourage our relationship I will have to make a legal change of name and gender somehow hopefully without having to go through the psychotherapy route like many people are forced to do, simply to make sure this is not just a whim. Gender is a very touchy subject with many people and change of gender is something even harder for people to accept and when my body appears female I just do not see how that is going to work in society at all and I feel I would be bringing her and me a lot of hardship if I go this path. She is well worth fighting for and doing the right thing for... I just am not sure what that right thing would be... 1. To change my birth certificate but still appear female but dress comfortably and appropriately as a male again so that we can marry or 2. To try and remain friends or break up all together so that harm and misjudgments do not come our way... she is very Christian and a leader in the church so it would be imperative that I be legally male at least in order for us to be allowed to be together. She could loose her job because of people's misunderstandings on the issue of my gender. She though, sees my body as being manipulated and just like as if I was in the war and had my parts blown off which is about how I see me too except I wish the overgrowth of the breasts was missing as well as that is what makes people misjudge me as being female usually. Does anyone here have any experience with this kind of trouble or know of others who may have had to deal with a late life change of this magnitude?I do not want to rock the boat in society, but I do want the love that can come from sharing my life with my wife-to-be. We have a lot we would like to share with each other till the end of our days here on this earth and neither of us wishes to have to wait until the next life after before we can share that. Some thins obviously will have to wait but love is something we have right now and feel we can share.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (17 August 2012):
 Umm alot going on so just do it like nike check if it was a guy it wouldn't be a issue but wow and good luck with sex change gender change and so forth it's 2012 people do what they like and want you only live once lol change of identity
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): Thank you Candid Candy! This is the kind of information I also wanted to hear about and I am glad you had the knowledge and kindness to share it with me. I will be careful and research hard on this subject before going ahead. There is a lot to consider. I did not realize though that it could become public so easily and am glad for that warning. Take care. Again, much appreciation for your shared thoughts and information.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (16 August 2012):
Your questions could be answered by an academic or a lawyer who specializes in gender equality.
The obstacles you will face to legally change your gender on paper will vary from state to state. Your situation is unique because you have anatomical features from both genders.
The following link may give you some idea as to your options AND may be the case that set the legal precedent for legal cases similar to yours: http://www.angelfire.com/ca2/BornHermaphrodite/
Not every person born with sexual features from both genders is a true hermaphrodite. If you are, it would make changing your records easier due to the legal precedent set by this case. If you live in a conservative state (as opposed to California, where the case was tried) you will experience more problems.
Regardless of all of this, you need to understand that if you file a case to change your gender you will (whether you want to or not) become a figurehead for part of the gender rights movement. There is a very good possibility that your privacy will be invaded, you will become a sort of celebrity...but with this type of unique celebrity you will face criticism from closeminded people. You open yourself up to bullying and threats. I live in a more conservative state. If you resided here and your case was publicly acknowledged, you would probably receive death threats.
I am not trying to discourage you from fighting for the right to change your gender on paper. (i say on paper because, to me, you are male). I am concerned that this pursuit, if not properly executed, could turn your life completely upsidedown. I am concerned that you could even lose the woman you would be doing this for.
Please do some more research and decide whether you feel you would be able to handle the life-changing events that could surround a legal case of this nature in your state. Reach out to gender rights advocates and legal experts and ask them questions. Until you are certain you want to proceed, please stress that protecting your identity and right to privacy is imperative.
I wish you all the best!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): Thank you Sageoldguy1465 and Honeypie for your excellent replies. You both are quick! I thought for sure I would have to wait a day or many more before I got my first answer, and I have 2 great replies already! Thanks.
Honeypie: That is a good suggestion to find a group of people that might have dealt with similar situations as my own. When my wife-to-be first learned of my differences she was in shock of course as she had never dealt with anything like that before but she knew me well and knew her love for me was strong enough to get us through this new information I shared. She adjusted very quickly and has been very supportive and wanting to learn more. Later she also contacted some groups that support the gay and lesbian groups and other related issues such as transgenderism. This helped her learn the difference between what my situation was verses people who found the need to make a life decision to change their gender identity to fit the person they felt they were inside, as that happens too to some people who unlike my own situation do not have physical differences other then feeling like they were born into the wrong body. I can understand fully their feelings though as they seem to go through some of what I have dealt with.
I have never been upset at my parents for making that decision for me as I know that that must have been a hard thing for them to go through as well at that time, and that they likely did what they thought was best for me at the time. Choosing a gender would seem the right thing to do rather then leaving it up in the air from the very start of life; a chosen identity verses non identity... what a choice. It has been frustrating though to deal with at times over the years not being seen by others as the gender you feel more comfortable as being. I believe I have done my best at making the best of the situation though from year to year adjusting to my growth etc. and I do not regret each step of adjustment that I tried; it can be interesting too. The hardest change, I believe, will be what is to come but I would guess it will be the most rewarding, considering I have someone who loves me waiting to greet me when I finally make it to that point.
It has also been confusing at times and the fact that I have stayed sane throughout my life is what I am most grateful for.
To marry my love might make me be able to be whole.
I just hope we can find some accepting good friends in the years to come that can have the same good attitude about this as my wife-to-be has had and if I stand up for myself and just say to people... "look, this is how it is" and hope that they can avoid getting silly or mean about it then we should all be fine. Public bathrooms might be an issue too but hopefully I will be able to wait until we go home for any need of that sort. I do need to occasionally stand up for myself more as that might be a help to others too to know it is serious and to know it is OK and already a settled subject.
Sageoldguy1465: You have made me smile as I love your go-for-it-attitude and my wife-to-be would so agree with you too. Your support has given me a lift. You bring up very good points about society. Thanks. Other then a slight fear I have heard her make regarding her job, she usually has that same attitude. Granted we do not have a lot of time in this world and it would be a shame to allow a society to taint or hinder true love in any way. It is something to truly be cherished and allowed to blossom.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 August 2012):
 Wow, I'm sorry you even HAVE to deal with what the "norm" and what society thinks you should be.
My first suggestion is to find a group of people who are like you, that you share this in common with, maybe learn from others who have been down that road before.
Secondly. I'm so sorry that your gender was chosen for you without your consent. I understand that for all intents and purposes the "world" sees only male and female and you being assigned one was hopefully mean to make it easier for you.
I don't really have any advice besides that.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 August 2012):
 Let's take your first two queries as the most important items in your submittal:Is Gender Ambiguity considered a major block in the road towards marriage? THIS is an issue between the two people who are considering marriage. NOBODY ELSE's opinion makes any difference. IF you are with someone who, you and that person enjoy and love one-another... then marry (if the two of you wish to do so) and don't give a darn about "others'" opinions!!!Is it something society is able to accept now? WHO CARES?????? Two people who like and enjoy one-another's company don't need to worry about "acceptance" "by society".... After all... consider that - for the longest time - "society" thought it was OK to keep slaves.... to keep women from voting.... and all sorts of other dysfunctional things.... GO ON... GO OUT and live and enjoy your life .... and live it BIG.... and have a great life with whoever you choose to share it with...Good luck. You "sound" like a nice person who is far too concerned about "others'" points of view than you need to be....
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