A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidI have on and off relationship with my current be of 4 years. Yesterday I changed in profile picture , which is my really fav picture and I like how I look in the picture. Earlier I used to have low self esteem issues, never really liked myself, but with a friends help had a major makeover like changing my hairstyle, doing makeup and dressing nicely. These made me look younger and even turned few heads around. I fell in love with myself and my self esteem never been this better and my confidence improved.But for my bf I look the same old ugly duckling, he critized me saying I look really old and ugly in my profile picture and I can't look at that anymore, when I stood up for myself he got angry and blocked me. What exactly am I doing wrong here, is feeling good about yourself is a sin? Or am I expecting too much from him? Please help me
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2015): What you're doing wrong is remaining with a man who could speak to you in such a way, and not show you the respect you deserve. Someone who loves you doesn't say things like that to you. He wouldn't say things like that.
You have to change from the inside, as well as the outside.
Your core values comes from within. Your appearance is only a presentation of who you are. That thing you call a boyfriend does not appreciate you, and your relationship for him is one of convenience. You probably cook for him, clean, run his household, do his laundry, and all the things a wife would do. Therefore you earn your keep, but not his love. I'm sure you don't fulfill all his needs either. He's not all bad, just bad for you! There are two-sides to every story, but this one's about you!
Now that you're turning a few heads, perhaps it's also time to work on yourself from the inside; and stop needing your boyfriend's validation to feel good about yourself. Stop placing your heart and life in his hands. My mother always told me to hold back love for yourself, and you'll grow a lot to share with others. It will still be there when others break your heart. It was true!
You're an adult, and many of your childish insecurities and frailness from your teens should have been outgrown by now. What's the point of maturing if we don't grow wiser as well? You seek power and strength of character through learning and education, not through boyfriends. Life preparation is essential for your long-term survival; so you can't look to men to protect you. Empower yourself!
Couples are a partnership of sorts. One supports the other and visa versa. Too many women are just dependent and don't contribute much, but have high expectations in a relationship. Only looking at the romanticized aspect of love and not at the reality of it. Accepting poor matches for partners and trying to change them with nagging and crying. Often having little to bring to the table themselves, and looking for someone to makeup for their weaknesses. That's not how life is meant to be. We're equals. We're supposed to add and multiply, not subtract from each-other.
You have the benefit of experience. By now you have seen many examples of how to improve your life through education, observation; and hopefully, you pursue all forms of enlightenment to enrich your personality and broaden your horizons. Be it through reading, classes of study, or just being with people of sparkling character and active contributors to society. They teach us and connect us with the finer things in life. We learn how to give back. We increase our potential. We thrive even through adversity and struggle. I even have my faith which gives me hope and strength. I seek tools for survival from every source.
You can't revolve your life around trying to be attractive only in appearance. Your personality has to show through in order to add even more substance to who you are. Not just to be nice, but be strong enough to help others. Give as well as take.
Just to let you know, that will be a work in progress for the rest of your life. Learning how to be a good person takes work, but it has so many rewards.
No matter how good we become; we will always face hardship, disappointment, challenges, and heartbreak. That's life. Preparing yourself gives you confidence, strength, and tools to survive all the pitfalls of life. It gives you wisdom to pass on to your children, grandchildren, and to others who are coming into their own. They in turn will pass it on. That's what I've tried to do. What I'm doing now.
It's nice to have a man around, but if that man isn't enriching your life in any way, you throw him out with the rest of the garbage in your life. You can't always play prissy-missy and surrender to your insecurities.
When in your lifetime will you try and overcome things not always by the coaxing of others, but from your own self-motivation? Why do people always see life as so sad and miserable, and not embrace its challenges? Looking around and seeing other people who are human and having the exact experiences regardless of race, class, age,or gender?
Build your confidence. Own who you are and appreciate your own good attributes. Don't love yourself because you are pretty, love yourself because you are a smart, good, and powerful woman. That will attract good men, and men are only here to supplement your life. Not to complete or control it. I get so sick of weak talk like, "you complete me!" Complete yourself! Then no one can take anything away when they decide to leave, change, or if they need you to lean on in a crisis.
Every single one of us have moments when we don't have any strength and even use up our reserves. People who have no strength at all either become co-dependent, or they deteriorate into alcoholics, drug-addicts, or criminals. They lose their minds, and become hopeless or cynical.
Bitter about everything and scattering blame. Making excuses.
Time for you to evolve and discover who you are and explore your potential as an individual, and as a woman. If you have a man who doesn't encourage you and supplement your life to offer you even more fulfillment. Then remove him and give yourself more room to grow. But there's a catch,
be prepared as a better person before you find that better man you truly deserve.
Good luck, dear lady!
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (24 October 2015):
I agree completely with Honeypie. This guy is not the sort of person with whom you can have a happy relationship. He liked the person who felt little self-worth, who probably wouldn’t argue back and probably didn’t think she could do any better. Your new-found self-confidence threatens that control he has over you. With this awful criticism and childish blocking you, he’s hoping that you will conclude that you were asking for too much, that perhaps you don’t deserve to feel this good about yourself and that perhaps he’s the best thing for you. Listen very carefully: you’re much, much better than him and you deserve much better. The friend that helped you knew that you have every entitlement to stand tall and be proud of the person you are. It sounds like you’re heading towards a much happier future, and I think If you give him the chance, he’ll take great delight in wrecking it, so I suggest you dump him.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 October 2015):
 You are not doing anything wrong, my guess is he PREFERRED the girl with the low self-esteem over the new version of you, the one who has EMBRACED and started to LOVE herself - see the "old" you were easy to manipulate and the new you... not so much.
You BF doesn't like that you get attention now, and that you are taking in interest in your looks. Because he sees it as a threat to himself. Maybe next you will look at him and go : "WHAT in the World was I thinking?! I can do better than THIS guy!"
This is not about you or your look it's about HIS insecurities and manipulation. After all - look at how he acts over a PROFILE picture? I talks TRASH to you then gives you the silent treatment by blocking you.. what is he ? 5 years old?
You are expecting too much of him - because he isn't capable of being a DECENT human being and be SUPPORTIVE of his GF's new found confidence.
The fact that your relationship is an on/off thing should maybe tell you that it's NOT healthy nor viable long term, so ask yourself WHY are you with him again? A guy who rather TEAR you down than BUILD you up?
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (24 October 2015):
 He sounds like a sad young immature self-concious guy that feels threatened by being with someone that draws attention.A very insecure person like that can be a drag on your evolution as you continue to grow and blosom into a more adventurous and secure young woman.You might want to consider a more mature "boy" friend.
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