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female
age
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anonymous
writes: 5 years ago I was moderating in a quiz room and met this wonderful man. We got on like a house on fire from the onset and eventually met 6 months later. I was reluctant to meet him as he was married and when we did so it was only as friends. We met a few times afterwards platonically and I fell in love with him. I was angry at myself for doing so and tried so hard but we just “clicked”. He and his wife had been sleeping in separate beds for years and I know that to be true as he showed me round his house on his web cam, he most definitely slept alone.Anyway, for 2 years we seen each other (he lived 350 miles away) but I kept getting pressure from my family about how he was married etc. and to dump him. He wanted to leave but found it very difficult as his kids lost 3 grandparents and a very close aunt in the course of a year and now he was going to leave the house too. We tried to end it a few times, sitting in the car saying how it was for the best and we’d both cry openly. A few days would pass then one of us would make contact again, I just feel we are MEANT to be together, does that make sense? To cut a long story short I listened to my family (too much pressure eventually) and told him finally it was over, like my family said, 2 years had passed and he still hadn’t left the house. I met someone else shortly afterwards and moved in with him. Looking back now I did it for all the wrong reasons, to show my ex I wasn’t waiting around and that I didn’t “need” him anymore and security for me and my 2 kids. This man was wealthy, he was 24 years older than I was and he idolised me and the kids got on great with him. The only drawback was he worked overseas a lot of the time and some nights I’d lie awake (alone) and think about my life and what I’d done. Was I truly happy? Of course I was, I wanted for nothing now and my kids got on great with him! Why then could I not stop thinking about my ex? He (my ex) knew I had moved on (he contacted my friend online to ask how I was) then one day I got an email from him asking me how I was and was I happy? My heart skipped a beat! We continued to speak from then on and as the months passed I realised he felt exactly the same as I did but I’d put my ex through so much pain when I finished it, he told me so yet he told me he’d never stopped loving me… My partner knew we still spoke but obviously not to what extent but he was okay about that, as long as I was happy. He trusted me and rightly so, I would never cheat on anyone I was with. We’d talk for hours (when my partner was overseas) and say how much we missed one another and how we wished things could be different. His daughter (16) had since taken a nervous breakdown and was in hospital getting psychiatric help… more pressure for him not to leave the marital home!To cut a long story short I lost my partner last year and I’m living on my own again with my 2 kids. I’ve since met someone else and we get along great but he lives 4 hours from me so talk on the phone and text more than anything else. I’ve met with him twice but still very new. We get along well enough, he’s just what I need, he’s clever, kind, funny and good for me but I just can’t get my ex out of my head as much as I try to. He knows I’m seeing someone else and said that’s great, (bravado - he’s an extension of me, I know how he thinks better than he does, he asks when he calls (the new guy I’m seeing) and how things are going constantly.) Oh and by the way, he is now divorced – my ex – but still lives in the same house as the wife. (There’s no rush to move now he says because we’re not together any more). We’re STILL in contact (or we were until last week) when we had a stupid argument and I again told him it was pointless us keeping in touch as nothing could come of it and he agreed. We’re both in situations we can’t get out of just now and it just seems like obstacle after obstacle is put in our way so we can’t get together. We’ve not contacted each other for over a week now. Why am I missing him so much and why can’t I stop thinking about him… I know he’s feeling the same… I can feel it. What do I do for the best?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2008): Could you give more details....How long did you see him while he was married and what was your relationship status at the time? Living 350 miles apart, how did you stay in contact? Weekly meetings in a hotel? More email than anything else? Just exactly how did you develop this relationship? Why now that he is finally divorced are you not together? Is it because you have another man or something else? I am really confused as to what exactly you are looking for? Validation for your actions to date, next moves to nail this guy down, forgiveness for your cheating behavior, what is it that you are wanting us to sayh to you as it seems that you are not accepting of advice but looking for someone to agree with you or somehow guess as to what you WANT TO HEAR. If you are writing here for advice, do not attack the advisor, but remain open to outside opinion or advice, you still have the right and the opportunity to disregard everyting and to abandon all reason and sense of responsibility or to go ahead and pursue your goal of getting with this "ex"...but if you clarify my original questions, I will do my best to give you some sound advice/opinions....thanks
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): In answer to "Ask Older Sister""You say that he had all these reasons for not getting divorced while you were together- but he's divorced now despite those reasons." - I didn't say that at all. He was getting divorced come what may, it's just taken time to go through. They are NOT sleeping together and I know that for a FACT."All that intense longing and crying over not being together? If he really wanted to do something about it and be with you, he would have." - HE DID!! He got divorced.I have always been in touch with my ex, even after my partner died, he was a rock to me during that time but because of the difficulties re both families - he doesn't get along with my 20 year old and because his daughter was released from the hospital in January - we both know we can't be together just now however, no matter how hard we try to distance ourselves, we can't and fate always pulls us back together again. I tried to get on with my life and forget him hence the reason I started to see this other guy but my ex WAS part of the reason I tried to move on, to get him out of my head. Believe me, BOTH of us were putting 100% into the relationship, throughout the 2 years we were together, we were ALWAYS talking (couldn't get enough of one another), every single day!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): I am the poster. My children are grown up now 16 and 20 although they still live with me. They were just another one of the reasons I gave him up, BECAUSE of the pressure from my family as they would sometimes hear this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): You don't need him. Your kids should come first rather than your own feelings at the moment. Have you thought what this might be doing to them? Don't put your dating life on hold completely but you should get your mind off of this and onto your children.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): Darlin I hate to say it but I think fate just made the introductions and left the party. It sounds like the two of you are the ones putting the obstacles in your own way. He's divorced. Obviously staying in the house with his family isn't helping... his daughter just had a nervous breakdown. I don't know what her issues are, but divorced parents who still live together has got to be a VERY confusing situation. Honestly it sounds to me like it would be much healthier for his entire family if he moved out. Maybe if he starts to live his own life and make himself happy, he can teach his children how to do it.You aren't married either and living on your own, involved with a man who lives 4 hours away and you mostly text, and thinking about another man. That doesn't sound very fulfilling for either of you, or very fair to him. You do seem to attract men into your life who aren't there for you. You might want to look at that. It sounds like other only thing stopping the two of you from being together are your own self-created excuses. Do you REALLY want to be with text guy? Can his children REALLY not survive if he has an apartment a few blocks down the street? What is it that each of you is really so scared of that you keep putting everyone else ahead of your own happiness? Life is short. Get on with it. It might just be the best thing in the world for everyone around you too.
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