A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I am a 20 year old girl. I have had a few past relationships, and have been in my current relationship for a year. My boyfriend is 23. Just to be clear before I start: When I talk about "crushes", I mean the whole "can't stop thinking about her", "want to date her" kind of feelings. This is different to me than just finding another girl attractive (like a glance or noticing briefly with no deep feelings behind it), I don't really care about that as long as it's not rubbed in my face.In more than one of my previous relationships, I have been dumped so that my boyfriends could be with another girl. They developed crushes on some other girl once I became stale and boring to them, and dumped me for them. One of my exes had a childhood friend come over to visit. Later that day, he texted me and admitted to me that he was "falling in love" with her. He let her sleep in his bed (I'm preeeetty sure he must have physically cheated on me as well, even if he didn't admit that part). Then he left me because he was in love with her. A couple months later, when he saw that I had started dating other guys, he came crawling back to me saying it wouldn't happen again (yeah, right). Yet another ex dumped me saying that the reason he wanted to break up wasn't because of another girl, but because we just weren't working out. And then he asked another girl out the same day he dumped me, so obviously he had a crush on her while we were together. In a couple of my past relationships, when I was 14-16, I have crushed on other guys, but that only happened when my boyfriends neglected me, behaved inappropriately with other girls, or if it was just an unhealthy relationship. With one guy I was with, I really really liked him, but he would comment on girls' pictures on Facebook telling them how hot he thought they were (and his comments would pop up on the front page where I and all our friends could see it, which humiliated me). Then I caught him sexting with another girl. I ended up developing a crush on, and dumping him for his best friend who paid attention to me and treated me better. So I have been guilty of this same behavior in the past, but I have not had crushes on anyone in my current relationship and a few of my other past boyfriends. But these experiences still have an impact on me. They made me feel absolutely worthless, like I can't hold a guy's attention because they want variety, the newer and shinier model, etc. My current boyfriend and I have had a very fulfilling and happy relationship so far. He does little nice things for me everyday. We both lost our virginity to each other, his family loves me, and I stay over at his house often. He doesn't behave inappropriately with other girls and is very trustworthy. I love him so much.But everything I have read online says that getting crushes on people who aren't your partner is inevitable. Because of my past experiences, that is terrifying to me. If my boyfriend told me that he was crushing on another girl, my self esteem would go down the toilet. We have discussed this topic (he said that he doesn't feel like this will happen, but apparently it is inevitable) and I made it very clear that if he tells me that he has a crush on another girl, I will leave. I would rather just be single than have to deal with this again. If he does end up crushing on another girl, I would want him to keep it to himself (don't tell me) and cut off contact/don't let it grow (I told him all of this, too). I know I have anxiety problems, and I have been to therapy for it and I just started taking medication for it. My boyfriend has been very supportive about my anxiety, and I have found that I have been more trusting and my worrying has gone down. But I feel like I really need to hear other peoples' opinions about all this. Has anyone had any experiences with this sort of thing? Is it REALLY inevitable? Is there anyone who doesn't/hasn't fallen for others while in a relationship? Are my dealbreakers too harsh?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 September 2015):
 Nothing is inevitable but death. So there will be couples which never have to face this hurdle . Nevetheless, this is a hurdle which is pretty frequent; you know it because it happened to you too, after all. Your explanation is that it happened because your partners were " misbehaving " somehow, which implies, I guess, that if they always had behaved irreproachably toward you, your interest would never have been diverted to other men.
This is quite possible, but, at the end of the day, what you are saying is that you weren't quite happy and comfortable and fulfilled in the relationship, that's why your mind wandered in other directions.
But you do not need for your partner to misbehave or be neglectful or abusive to feel unfulfilled or unsatisfied in the relationship. One may have an angel of a gf or bf whom you have got nothing to reproach to, and still feel not quite satisfied , not quite fulfilled, as if something is missing. Which leaves space for " curiosities ".
Some times this is just due to external causes like work problems, or money worries , - other times simply people cool off because it was not based on real deep strong feelings, more on a superficial attraction that in time wears off ; some times people DO love each other dearly, but they got lazy and complacent in their sexual and social routine and they long for a breath for fresh air , without even realizing it.
There may be many reasons why it happens. Not inevitably, perhaps, but yes it may happen.
The bad news is that there's really no way to prevent this from happening or to guess it in advance, I think. Even if you meet a guy that, in all good faith and honesty , takes an oath that he will never ever get a crush on another woman.... what does he know ? Life is long, and strange. Weird things happen .
The good news is that you have already found an excellent strategy for coping with this type of situation . (Of course we are talking about a serious , committed relationship in which BOTH parties have the sincere desire to make it work and to make it last, regardless of challenges ). First, you ask discretion. You do not need to have your face rubbed into his crush, or to have a meticolous account of all the ways in which this other woman is wonderful , maybe more wondeful than you . Second, you will have hopefully picked a good person, and one who loves you, so he will know , even in lack of previous specific requests of yours , which anyway you can formulate , that he will starve, not feed his attraction and limit his contacts to what strictly necessary.
More than that, what else could you do ? what else would you want to do ? Accept that you cannot have control over everything in life , least of all on other people's feelings. You just do your best, then let go and let God. ( so to speak. it's valid for atheists too :)
I think that someone who REALLY cares about your relatiosnhip would do that ( starving his infatuataion ) without being prompted by you. Everybody can be tempted, everybody IS tempted at some point; one doesn't necessarily have to cave to temptation. This is true also for emotional affairs, not just sex.
What if they DO cave ? What if they choose to indulge their infatuation, and / or eventually leave you for your rival ?
Well, that's hard to swallow of course, that's a heartbreak and a blow to the ego. I am not saying it would be fun ; it would suck, in fact,
But, it would also mean that you weren't meant to be, or that he was not THAT taken with you to begin with, or that regardless of apparently getting along your relationship had been built on shaky ground .
I think if we chance into something we deem it's GOOD, we'll keep it , and we'll fight to keep it : a job, an apartment, a friend or a relationship.
Who does not find in himself / herself the strength to fight for keeping what he values , well, he/ she probably wasn't valuing it that much anyway .
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2015): We've been together for five years and no one has ever come close to being as sexy and adorable as he is to me.
Hoping it stays that way :-)
But it is about maintaining appropriate boundaries with others and raving on about how amazing your partner is to other guys. If they see that you're happy, they get put off pursuing you. If you talk about your problems with other guys they'll woo you away and use the chunks in your relationship armour that you've told them about.
And ofcourse, don't neglect each other or take each other for granted.
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