A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have recentley asked a few questions surrounding my ex, to cut a long story short after living together for a year, he kicked me out, blaming me for the problems in our relationship because we 'argue too much'. We argued around once a month, which considering the stress we were under (both at university, both have family trouble and my ex had a son from a previous relationship and contact with him (and his mother) caused all kind of issues) was probably less than we could have! Generally on the whole the relationship was good, we talked, i gave him his space, he gave me mine but we did things together too, and I genuinely was thinking along the lines of marriage and children.However a few weeks following our breakup my ex told me he felt it was more to do with him than me (yes the age old line) he quit his degree and made all sorts of changes in his life, and told me he still loved me and wanted to work on things, I agreed. However this soured out about a week and a half later, with him telling me he didnt know how he felt about me, he was confused/ needed to get his life back on track etc etc.After this I gave him space, only the occasional text, and asking how he was, didn't ask any questions about us, until he turned up one day, and when i asked if he wanted to be friends now and that be it, he mumbled he hadn't thought about it, got up and left. This was only a few days ago. Now however I have discovered in the few days since he bolted on me he's been telling all our joint friends he's been thinking about me and he feels really miserable over it...I cant make sense of this guy, and although I have got on with my life since we split(returned to uni, went out with friends so on so forth) he never leaves my mind. I dont know if the fact he's telling people he still thinks about me is a small amount of hope for us yet? Or i should stop hanging on to the tiny little shreds of hope left and just ignore it. I'd love to be able to say I don't love him anymore. but unfortunatley, it isn't the case.
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female
reader, confused B  +, writes (9 October 2009):
The human mind works subconsciously.You still love him.Period..Whether he speaks to your friends about you or not.However you must learn that,what you are going through is a normal,after a break up.I would suggest you sit down with him and see if there is anything to salvage.
If he still loves you and you love him ,then at leat you have a common ground to start you off.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2009): I think if you want to try to get back together, you should ask him out to do something fun.
He sounds like he misses you and is possibly regretting his decision but doesn't know if he wants to get back together fr foear the same problems will arise.
Right now your ex does not want any more emotional drama, he can't take it. So I don't think you should approach him with a bunch of questions or discussions about the relationship.
Now is the time to build up his attraction and try to have a laugh or two.
In time, maybe even a couple of months down the line, you will have to bring up the subject of why he broke up with you. If he is angry or stressed about something let him vent and do not defend yourself. Really try to listen to what he has to say, and if there is anything in what he says that you think he needs an apology for then apologize again without explaining your actions or defending yourself, say what you mean about hurting him and how it must have made him feel.
If that rebuilds his trust in you, then you can say what you think the solutions are to your issues. Make this conversation about finding solutions and come to some kind of understanding.
At all cost for the next three months avoid arguing with him, he just won't be able to take it. Instead handle conflict by using I messages and I feel this way when this happened, and if he defends himself and his actions agree with his explanation of his actions and then go on and state how that made you feel and end the conversation. In this way both of you will feel "heard" instead of attacked and accused and he will understand what he did to hurt you.
It takes a little practice but it is better to handle conflict in this way without resorting to an argument.
Of course all couples from time to time, but there is a way to fight fair.....maybe you could google fighting fair and read some articles on that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2009): Love fades. Let him be, and don't nurture your feelings form him with feeding them with hope. If he hasn't come back to you yet, your feelings for him are most likely already fading. And once that process has started.. well I have never been able to turn it back again. If it's meant to be it'll be. But as thing look now, you wont be happy with him again, even if he did come back to you this very evening. If you however, given a year or more, start developing feelings for each other again, then go for it. But not right now. Getting together under these circumstances will be rough, hard, painful, not likely to succeed. Specially not if he left because of arguments.
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