A
male
age
22-25,
*anny gay life
writes:Ive been seeing a guy for a while now and I am realy into him and he says he is realy into me. Im 17 and he is 29. He dosnt want to hold me back and has said I can back out at any time and that he dosnt want to be selfish. It is my first proper relationship with a guy and ive never been so happy to know somone. My two best friends dont like the sound of it and think im going to get hurt. They are both verry strongly opinionated and it is hard to chainge their minds about anything. One has met him and thinks he is a nice guy but the other has not. She says she thinks it is wiered and wont work between us and that I am going to get my heart broken. Personaly I want to be woth him and feel like if I dont take the chance I dont know what I will be missing out on. I want my friends to support me and be happy for me and accept who I want to be with and who makes me happy. Please help me I need advice asapthankyou x
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 July 2016):
 Does your family know about this? Look sweetie, they are your friends and they are worried, and rightly so, you might not see it at the moment, but a 29 year old should not be looking to date a teenager. I am not sure what is reasons are, but you are both at very different life stages. You need to keep yourself safe. Tell your family, they deserve to know. Keep yourself safe at all times.
A
female
reader, miss frank +, writes (8 July 2016):
Terrific answer, WiseOwlE. OP, you'd do well to take the advice from him when you consider your choices. I would say, if my son or daughter was 17 and a man or woman touching 30 was interested in them, I would question their motive and be very unhappy with the whole situation, gay, straight, whatever.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2016): I'm a gay man and will offer you advice from a gay man's perspective. I was introduced into the the gay life by an older man myself. I was older than 17. I met someone my own age, but nothing was really established between us at that time. However; the older man was quite attractive. He had movie-star looks. He also had a wife and son. He introduced me to gay sex; so naturally I became attached.
I wanted to see him more often. He couldn't always, because he had a family. He was older, and realized his marital responsibilities. I felt ashamed for making him cheat on his lovely wife. It was my own guilt that stopped it, although I was just a kid. My feelings were based on a secret we shared. He understood what it is to be gay. I was caught-up in his good-looks and maturity. I loved the special attention. The secrecy was intriguing and exciting.
Your attachment to the older guy is pretty much for the same reasons. He is introducing you to gay life. He is your guide and mentor, and you have attached your feelings because there is no one else that you know who's gay and so accessible.
There is very little possibility of a real relationship.
You're leaving out how your parents may feel about you and a much older man. He will not always relate on your level; and at times he will feel like he's baby-sitting. No slight on your maturity, but your naivete shows in your writing.
You are pretty much infatuated, and nothing much people say can really undo your feelings. It will last as long as circumstances permit. Or, until someone intervenes with the authority to put an end to it. That being your parents. The fact he's kept in secret is to avoid any parental intervention; or their right to their permission and opinion about it.
The truth is, he will meet someone closer to his own age with all the experience and attributes he desires. They will relate on a mature level, and what you offer isn't the same. Your innocence and youth add to your attraction; but as we mature, we need more from a mate. You're a novelty in his life because you're so young. Novelties wear-off. The associated complications, such as how people feel about the age difference, and his "gay" influence on someone so young and inexperienced; will cause him some backlash. It will be especially difficult if you have not come-out to your family. They may accuse him of molesting you.
Only time will tell how this will all turn out.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (8 July 2016):
 Sorry but no, I personally don't think it will work out in the long run. Lets face it, it is a rather big gap and at very different stages in life. How can one catch up to him without loosing too much of what lies ahead as you progress into adulthood. I can see the attraction to an older man just as much as I can see the attraction to a younger woman but I have to agree with Andie, that is, at 29 he should know better than to think this is a wise move and not one that will more than likely end in tears beyond that of a teenage breakup. My advice would be to take him up on his and step back and let it be.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 July 2016):
 On the one hand, of course you should be allowed to be with the person who makes you happy. On the other hand, he is way too old for you, and the relationship is not socially acceptable. He is not the kind of man you can bring home to meet your parents, or who can hang out with your and your friends in a group. You will also have extremely little in common as far as life interests goes, because while the age in itself might not be an obstacle, the different points of life you are in IS an obstacle. He is a mature man (hopefully) who is an adult, and who is old enough to know himself and what he wants out of life. You are young, looking for an experience, and have very different needs and wants in your life right now.
Also, the thing that is most problematic with relationship where there is such a gap between you, not just age-wise, but different stage of life, is that he will hold extreme power over you. He is an authority figure over you. And most people can not stop themselves from taking advantage, if they have the slightest chance of getting it. So chances are, he WILL take advantage of you and exploit you and use your age against you. Not because he is a bad person, but because he is human and can't help himself. And you will be too immature and naive to see it happening before it is too late.
If you are adamant in seeing him, just do yourself this one favour. If at any point you DON'T want to do something, for whatever reason, say no. And stand firm. Do not give in. No means no. Be that sexual acts, or something as simple as him wanting you to wear some different clothes, or he wanting you to attend a party, or whatever it is he wants. If you don't want to, for whatever reason, say NO. It will be extremely easy for him to twist you around his little finger and dance like a puppet for him, so do be cautious of NOT allowing this to happen. You need to be extremely sure of yourself and your own wants and needs, and never give in. If you can't stand up against him, then the power-shift is too great in his advantage.
Just because he is older, doesn't mean he knows best.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (8 July 2016):
 Essentially, you're still a "child" and he's an adult. You're vulnerable and he's not. Your relationship wouldn't be equal because he's at a different life stage to you.
A decent 29 year old wouldn't see a 17 year old as relationship material.
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I think it's creepy (even for an otherwise nice person) to find anyone under 21 a dating option at 29. I think you should break up with him - you really are too young for him and he's too old for you.
Either break up or tell your family about him; it's important you're safe and keeping it a secret will be dangerous and damage their trust in you.
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