A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Over 2 years ago I was sexually assaulted. A few months later I met my current boyfriend. After maybe 6 months of us being together, I found that he had looked at porn. I dont know what happened in my brain but I totally lost it and honestly it took me maybe 4-6 months to truely warm up to him again. I was devistated. In hindsight, Im guessing I was angry at the assault, and it manifested itself into that. (I personally dont agree with porn but in the past I wouldve just laughed at it. Now I detest it.)But so for the last 2 years Ive had a huge fear of him masturbating. Hes agreed to never use porn again and I believe he hasnt. Even still, I panic, I cry, I feel disgusted at him and have this total irrational fear now. I dont know really what it is Im scared of. I know its "normal" and its "stress relief" etc but thats I suppose how an irrational fear works huh? I feel like I cant trust him. I dunno, before the porn incident I never had a problem with it. Im currently living in a foreign country and can find no access to an english speaking psychologist. I dont need to hear championing of why masturbation is great cuz Ive already researched everything about it. I need help to confront this fear. I need to feel close to my boyfriend and not scared, mistrustful or disgusted by him. A little help?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (22 June 2012):
 Find an English-speaking doctor ASAP. No messing around. Your mental health should be your top priority at this point, everything else is secondary.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah Ive spoken to him abhout it. He knows the situation we're in. We're always honest in sitting down to talk about this type of thing. The problem is that I wont be leaving this coutry for a while, I dont have the choice, hence writing to an online forum at this point is all I can do for helping myself.
Im also very depressed here, I dont like the place & every time I feel down the fear drops on me again ten fold. When I can pick myself up & have a good month, I dont care about what him masturbating (except the porn, Ill never accept the porn again. He accepts that condition & understands how it could be hurtful.)
But when I feel depressed again for whatever reason (cant find work, isolation in a foreign country etc) I see the world in blackness & paranoia & mistrust & fear come flooding back in.
"A female reader, anonymous,(21 June 2012)" - cheers, I really appriciate that understanding.
eyeswideopen - Yes, I masturbate, not often but I dont see it as something sinister, like I do with my boyfriend. Im shameful about this weird double standard, but this is why I stress "irrational" fear.
It so difficult because I know its wrong to feel this scared over something like this but as much as i rationalize in my head "Its not important, its normal, necessary sometimes even, its not betrayal, his body belongs to him, you even do it yourself sometimes..." I still have this feeling of utter dread & disgusted dispair I cant shake. & that confusion in my brain where my feelings dont match my thoughts is bloody horrible too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2012): Here are some free online counselling sites you may want to try. They can hold sessions in online chat, or they can do it via email if you would like to check them out.
www.onlinecounselling4u.com
www.counsellingonline.org.au/
I was sexually assaulted as a child and I do understand where you are coming from. I had over-reacted in a previous relationship to the use of porn, and also masturbation. It is a hard road, but in my experience only professional help is really going to help you get past what happened and get past these irrational fears and reactions. You can get past it, it is hard when you are ina country where enhlish speaking counsellors are not available, but you can do it online, and it does help. I have experienced both face to face and online counselling, research the sites and make sure they are not scams, also if you don't feel comfortable talking to the counsellor who does reply to you, don't be afraid to tell them and ask for another counsellor, it doesn;t matter how many it takes, just find the right one for you, the one you feel comfortable with. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (21 June 2012):
 You need to talk to a professional about your past sexual abuse. I know you say you can't get access, but if you have internet you can get access. There are people who will talk over Skype (just make sure to check their background so you don't get scammed).
I'm not a psychologist, but it sounds like you may be feeling out of control about sex in general and trying to gain that control back by attempting to control him sexually? Also it sounds like he's hurt you through the porn thing and you're having trouble coping with that.
Either way, you should try to look into other possibilities to confront this with a professional because you're just going to make yourself miserable trying to do it on your own. Have you talked to your boyfriend about this?
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A
female
reader, Candycane1234  +, writes (21 June 2012):
 Are you sure it isn't just the porn alone that you don't like?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 June 2012):
You do need professional help, sorry to say. As you have realized, you are trying to cope with irrational thoughts which were triggered by a traumatic sexual assault. You likely have PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder, as well.
I don't think trying to provide logical reasons why you should be feeling a certain way will have any effect on irrational fears. That's why they are called irrational, they can't be dealt with rationally, you see.
The aunts here do not have the expertise to deal with your situation. You need professional help, and as you are in a foreign country, you will have to find the expat group that has access to English-speaking qualified help. There's no other way around it.
I do have some online resources which would be a start but you will have to consider if your mental health is more important than where you live. Maybe it's time to do some intensive therapy, at home, in order to get to a place where the irrational thoughts and possible PTSD are treated and you can proceed in life without these hanging over your head, okay?
http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome
You ask for a "little" help. You may not realize it but I think you need a lot more than that. Why not make an investment in your future happiness and life, and take the time now to properly deal with the assault, the possible PTSD and the irrational fears, okay. Maybe go back home to where there are English-speaking specialists. I think your life is worth it, don't you agree?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 June 2012):
 You need professional help. You have not dealt with what happened you two years ago, so you need to go and talk to someone, so keep researching in to find someone who speaks your language. Because this will never get better if you don't deal with it now, it only gets worse. Go and talk to your doctor and ask him where you should go from there for help.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 June 2012):
 Do you ever masturbate?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 June 2012):
 Consdiering the intensity of your fear/reaction to what's happened, I suggest that you seek PROFESSIONAL counselling to see if you can come to grips with this past incident...
Good luck....
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