A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Sexually my girlfriend and i are having considerable problems due to lack of experience on both our parts and she also has vaginismus (which she is currently seeking help for) so no penetration can take place. We have been together for coming up to 11 months. In the early stages of our relationship we were slightly active in terms of using hands and attmpting more but eventually she outright told me she didn't want to do anything until she was sorted. So here we are 11 months down the line. I understand her predcament completely and am more than happy to wait and am ready to be as patient as needs be. We recently had a convo as she won't even kiss me properly (a peck here and there) and she literally doesn't instigate anything and i just needed to know that she still cared for me as it feels more and more like friends but she just told me that she was nervous and worried it would lead to more and she would be hurt and uncomfortable. Still i understood so we agreed to slowly set goals and work up. Until this point i figured it was all her. She has had 5 partners since she was sixteen (now in mid twenties) and she is my first. I thought we were on a similar wavelength however as she couldn't do any more with partners than me and i am shy and probably like a young teen trying to learn the sexual ways of the world (and therefore i am very nervous). i thought we were on a same sexual level and it would be somthing we'd overcome together. But today, she tells me that she is a very horny person and masturbates sometimes 3 times per day and that even though she cannot use them penetratively she has dildo's and vibrators (some of which she describes as being what i consider to be inhumanly big...in my world anyway) which she uses regularly and has been all her adult life. She then tells me that she doesn't specifically imagine specific people (hmmmmm....?) (also she always sees men on tv and specifically turns to me and says...."wow, he's hot" but not in a jokey way...in an i want him way...whats she trying to achieve with that...it makes me feel bad enough!) but just imagines they are real men's body parts as she masturbates and that a vibrator is better than any hand could ever be (she also told me that all her female work colleagues tell her that they are better than men in general). I'm shocked and even though i underdtand a woman has needs i thought we were both the little inexperienced ones that would find our pleasure together and now i feel redundant.I asked her if she was so horny all the time why couldn't we masturbate each other (it's been 8 months since she outright refused to do anything with me and i assumed she just wasn't ready to be a sexual person and so am waiting) but she tells me "oh, i'm not ready for that yet" which means she can lay by herself and no doubt imagine other people doing things to her but she doesn't want me to be part of that.Not only do i feel hurt and redundant, i feel incredibly intimidated. The way she described things she has completely changed as a person in my mind and i feel almost that our relationship has been a lie. that i've been patiently and eagerly waiting for this new part of our life, while she's been happily satisfying herslef without me or any need for me to even become part of that.I feel completely disheartened and disillusioned with sex and especially female sexuality (i was scarred of it before but now i'm terrified). Especially once she overcomes her vaginismus and her massive dildos and vibrators really come into play and theres little unexperienced me hammering away for 5 seconds while she's dreaming of mr rabbit or mr oscillating 10 inches!I really don't know what to do. I have phychological problems and intimidations sexually anyway- now i they are completely shattered and my ideas of becoming sexually active are gone...i don't even ever want sex anymore!I'm hurt and don't know where to go. And i've just realised i have a massive complex against this formidable female world of sex and anne summers parties (yup- she's apparently been to them too) and i feel mislead about the sexual bonding experience we were going to embark on together...and now i feel like a useless pointless, sexless misfit with a girl that assures me she loves me and wants to be with me and yet would prefer to imagine another mans body pleasuring her.What can i do? please any comments would be greatly appreciated! many thanks!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Mr Nice +, writes (24 September 2009):
 Mate, first of all you shouldnt feel so bad, i know there are plenty lads in your situation who feel intimidated by women once it gets to the bedroom. Im can understand you feel disapointed and upset that it appears you are the inexperienced one now, when you previously assumed you were both in the same boat.However after reading your problem, did you ever consider, or is it possible, that all your girlfriends talk is just bravado. That maybe she feels embarassed about her problems and so is talking up her sexual experiences to try and cover up her shame. While you may be inexperienced, you are willing and ready to start whereas your girlfriend for whatever reason is still not ready. Maybe she feels inadequate or under pressure and so has started to tell lies to somehow change how she feels or the dynamic in your relationship? Maybe im way off but unless she is saying all this stuff to deliberatley try and hurt you then there must be an alternative reason. I would say talk to her man, its the easiest way to put you mind at ease and figure out where you stand.Best of luck anyway!!
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