A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and i have been dating for almost 1 year now. He's 3 years older than i am, and we are in the 20's. I've been told that in the beginning of the relationship, sex is always great. Well i've read somewhere. But lately i feel that i'm going crazy. I have not made love with him for about 2 to 3 months now, or even 4, i don't remember. Last time we used to have sex few times a week, then it went to weekly, few times a month, and now 2 to 3 months once.Our relationship is fine, he loves me i love him too, he treats me well, he's sweet at certain times. The only thing we are lacking is intimacy/sex. It is so hard to be even have a passionate kiss with him. It's like i can't even make out with my boyfriend. I feel really affected by this. I love him, but i don't know if i can deal with this. I feel like i'm going crazy, depressed! But i really love him, and i don't want breaking up to be an option. I'm really hoping if there's another way to fix this. He's been under a lot of stress lately, with financial difficulties, and worries that he might not be able to continue his studies. He's studying and working part time. We've talked about this before, he told me that he doesn't want to have sex with me just for sex, to him it's called making love, he wants to mean it when he does it. But lately he doesn't have the mood because of all the stress. But it's really frustrating for me right now. And i really need help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear all, i have found my answer. Firstly i would like to thank all of you for your comments, and to BeSimplyTrue, you were right. Things has changed to better, we last had sex last week. There was one week we had it twice a week, it's a great accomplishment from 3 months once to that. And the reason is of course partly cause he's stressed out, but also because he felt distant from me. He felt alone though he's in a relationship, and it's my fault for not being there 100%. So i tried to change, i tried to be there to take care of him, etc. And here's the result. Hope my experience here will help you ladies in the future. :)
A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (20 August 2010):
 Its hard for a man to discuss that problem, me and my husband are going through that stage bc he has a chemical imbalance needless to say my sex life has dwindled..its difficult to cope bc u need that intimate moment with ur husband. We have sex about twice a week, but i have to drop lil hints or wear sexy lingerie to bed. Its best not to complain about it, but a serious talk does help otherwise its not going to get solved but rather pushed aside. Do know that ur not alone on this difficult subject!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI tried talking to him about it, but didn't go very well. We ended up arguing a little, and he got angry. I had to tell him about it because i felt so frustrated to a point i can't take it, and it's very depressing. But it ended fine, he gave me a hug. I know he loves me, he's just going through a lot right now. Sigh i guess now i will try the first suggestion, which is pamper him. Wish me luck!
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A
female
reader, BeSimplyTrue +, writes (17 August 2010):
 First of all, DO NOT do what I did when I was in this situation in my previous relationship! Namely, do not complain to him, "It's been so long!" and "I miss sex with you!" At first I thought it was okay to say that kind of thing, and then when he didn't respond I got kinda mean about it, and it really killed our sexual relationship. So please, even though I have lived your frustration, please don't make the same mistake I did. If you have been complaining, try to stop now. Pause if you find yourself complaining, and start the sentence again.
Instead of complaining, try to DO something. You can't remove your man's stress (his worries about finances and education and his long hours of working and studying) BUT you can give him a mental vacation for an hour or two. He should be able to spare at least an hour. I suggest you seduce him. Even if you don't end up having sex that night, think of it as a seduction... or maybe a pampering. Thinking of it as pampering may be better.
Try greeting him in a really friendly, sweet way--a big smile, soft voice, happiness in your eyes. Get into the mood beforehand by flooding yourself with memories of how you got to know him, how exciting it was a year ago, what you love most about him, how sweet he is. Have all those things in mind when you see him.
Then do whatever he likes best physically--hugging him, kissing his neck, rubbing his shoulders, whatever. Does he like back massages? If so, somehow work your way into giving him a back massage. Does he have favorite foods or drinks that help him feel relaxed and loved? If so, you may want to present those to him, but I suggest keeping it casual, not like a 3-course meal that he feels obligated to sit down and eat, even if he'd rather crash on the couch. Surprise him, but gently. You don't want to startle him by pouncing on him and being rough (well, unless you know for sure he likes that).
But really, just think of it as showering him with love and affection. He may start to reciprocate and give you the sex you've been missing, that very night...but if not, if he just enjoys the affection you're offering him, then that is good too. That is the first step to rekindling your closeness despite the stress he's under. I think it is an important grown-up skill (and one I'm personally working on) to find some respite from the stress even when you can't escape from the stress permanently. Perhaps you can help show him the way.
If you like my advice, please try it! And let me know how it goes for you!
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (17 August 2010):
Sex differs from couple, when ur young say up to mid 20s there's a moderate-ton of it..after children it decreases. Ur man is stressed that can put a damper on his libido, i.e not being able to get it up or finish. Since he's already going through a lot, its understandable he doesnt want to face that potential embarrassment. On the other hand, its not fair to u that ur sex life is non-exsistent. I would have a serious discussion with him, that u love him and u want for him to make love for him to u. A regular sex life is important in a healthy relationship, u need that physical intimacy. Do note that its not going to happen overnite, he'll need to work on his end of the effort, but do encourage him that u guys can work together through this difficult time.
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