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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I was on an interacial dating site as a black female born and bred in england and was approached by a white man stating he was interested, i asked the question, why interacial dating?, he replied "during the last 50 years english girls have lost their femininity". I was furious and replied "well i, like my english friends am educated, career orientated so hope that would'nt be a problem, and the reason that i was on this sight, was despite being black I am physically and sexually attacted to White men". Typically i never heared from him again. But my question is,am i the one who has the issues or him?, He was brave enough to tell me but would this be what is to be expected? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (24 April 2013):
I want to clarify that while I think you overreacted, I agree that his statement wasn't exactly great.
It says a lot about someone who thinks people are or aren't something because of the color of their skin, and so I don't blame you for being irritated with his statement. I just don't think he meant anything by it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses.
Tisha-1 - yes i was upset that he assumed that because I am a black women I am feminine. his perception/stereotypical view and generalisation that non white/english women differ from white/english women in the sense that they are more submissive to men i found unappealing.
Looking back I do wonder why I asked the question, but i think is because he asked me how i was finding the website so far? so i asked back in a similar way
iAmHereToHelpYou- just let it go and move on i shall, thanks
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 April 2013):
 Are you upset that he assumed you weren't English? Are you upset that he assumed that because you were black that you were feminine?
I'm not clear exactly what is upsetting you, other than he sounds a bit stodgy and makes sweeping generalizations about English women.
Why people join interracial dating sites is to date people of other races, so wasn't even asking him a bit of a loaded question to begin with?
Are you normally this prickly and sensitive or was it just this rubbed you the wrong way somehow?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): Dear OP,I'm a black british woman too and all my relationships have been with white men.In my opinion, why interracial dating is quite a loaded question and I think asking it before you've got to know each other is not really going to help you get to know someone. I'll come back to this point but first, let's answer your question.'am i the one who has the issues or him?'From the conversation extracts you provided, I wouldn't think either of you had issues. I'd say it comes down to miscommunication on both parts. He should have explained what he meant by 'losing femininity'and even then, it would remain a matter of opinion / stereotype on his part because not all english girls are the same. On your part, before flying off the handle and getting furious, you should have asked for clarification."during the last 50 years english girls have lost their femininity"My inference from this statement is that celebrities glorified in western media and magazines tend to be extremely skinny white women. (Ofcourse the west is multicoloured and multicultured but we all know that doesn't necessarily entail an equally diverse definition of beauty being represented in the media.) My general understanding of femininity is 'a healthy sized woman' - by that I mean not being extremely skinny or extremely large as a fashion trend. You can tell obviously that my definition of femininity coloured what I understood and my reaction to the statement. I suspect you understood femininity as 'housewife with no education/ opinion / decision making power' which would explain why you were offended. I suspect also that your knee jerk reaction of taking offense is a result of some unpleasant stereotypes that you feel some people might hold about black people. (obviously not all black people are the same) I might be wrong about your reaction, but that's the impression I get. If it is true, I would advise you to be careful that insecurities or fear of being stereotyped don't constantly have you on the defense. Onto my second point about asking 'why interacial?'It's like asking someone why do you prefer dating blonde women or why do you prefer dating short women or why do you prefer hispanic women or curly haired women. It's just a matter of personal preference or experience which I wouldn't attach too much importance to. People's reasons, if indeed they know them at all, are so diverse and sometimes ridiculous. If he's attracted to you and you're attracted to him and you have the qualities that you want in each other and you have the same values, everything else is moot. Also, equally important to note, apart from the colour of your skin potential suitors don't know anything else about you online. As a result, they are not going to be able to give you any meaningful response other than something superficial. They don't know what part of the world your ancestors hail from or even if that's an important issue for you. They don't know what your culture/ values / political / religious views are. They don't know your personality, your hobbies your pet hates, your job etc. You might well be the girl next door in Wiltshire where your family has lived there for generations and the only difference you have with him is the colour of your skin. *Those are the big questions that matter.*My boyfriends' attraction for me have been so diverse. One ex just wanted to try something different, fair play. One ex felt like dating a white girl would be too much like dating his own sister. Another guy thought black girls were feisty in bed. My partner now, with whom we're planning to get married and have children, had never really considered the skin colour difference a topic of discussion. His 'type' is hispanic he says but he thinks I - with my african hips, hazel brown eyes, beautiful smile and bubbly personality - am beautiful as hell and he's head over heels in love with me. I know that he tends to notice hispanic women in a crowd but in my opinion, that's *a non issue because that sort of thing is superficial and has no bearing on the quality of our relationship*. I guess I'm saying focus less on his reasons for being on an interracial dating site and focus more on the things that make him a good boyfriend for you. Him finding black women more assertive and therefore more attractive for example, would not necessarily be relevant if you yourself were not assertive. Your skin colour is only one of millions of factors. You know that he's sold on it, move onto new topics. Let the race thing come up naturally during banter - he'll be less reserved, more open and you'll be able to see his response in context with his personality :-)Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (24 April 2013):
 I'd say you were the one with the issues. It was a very defensive and angry response to a pretty benign statement. His view may be biased or tainted, but it's his view and you asked him for it.
I can understand being curious, but questions like that are loaded so tread carefully.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (24 April 2013):
 I'm not exactly sure what you took objection to? If you replaced the word 'English' with 'White' in his response would you have been ok with it? What I mean is, were you insulted because you are English as well so found him to be insulting your birthplace? Hence why it would have been ok if he had said white women have lost their femininity rather than English women?
I think you went in a bit strong anyway, there really is no need to ask 'why interacial dating', I mean it should be pretty damn obvious! If he had stated he was interested in you, then surely that is more than enough - why did you need to jump in with the heavy questions? Try getting to know a man next time rather than jumping down his throat questioning why he is there.
After all, if you are a black woman interested in white men, and a white man contacts you - then the reason he is on the site is because he is a white man who likes black women. It couldnt be more obvious why they are on that kind of site, so there is no need for the interrogation.
Next time try the more lighthearted questions like 'what do you do for a living', 'where did you grow up' and 'what are your hobbies' - getting into racial debates is not a great way to get to know someone!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (24 April 2013):
I think you definitely over reacted. He didn't insult anyone, rather, he was pointing out an observation to you.
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