A
female
age
51-59,
*axfactor
writes:recently- 6 monthsi have thought my wife has being playing awayi have 9 pages of doubtswhat finnaly confirmed it for mewas receiving some weird almost abusive, scary jokey texts from my so called friendthen having their communication verifiedby finding his number on her mobile in the dialled sectionunfortunately- instead of waiting and catching them at it?i blurted it outand now she is super defensive and i am paranoidanyone got any thoughtsSHE said that his number is in dialled section because of a computer error- she does not know how it got therei am not convinced and think they have been seeing each other for at least 6 months and possibly MUCH longerwe have been married 11 yearsand he was my best man?!!
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female
reader, maxfactor +, writes (11 January 2008):
maxfactor is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi mandyyes- i am gonna give it a go, it's a question of mind over matteri want the girl i think i have always had and she seems to want me- warts and allTHERE IS A GREY AREA but nothing is perfect and i have got to realise that the girl i know and love would never do these things; the girl i dont know might. I have to accept or believe in the girl i do know and take it from therei want to believe in that as i still love her, as i said before- things have improved and maybe i have to accept the bad things to get the good things. I will keep in touch. Thans for your help and kindness - and also everybody else
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2008): Hi Hunny,
Im so pleased that your life has got better and you are so much happier now a new year a new beginning good luck to you both with love mandy xxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, maxfactor +, writes (10 January 2008):
maxfactor is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell- update- thanx for help
we are sticking together
she is back at work
my psych- says dont check up on her - trust her
why would she do this after 18 years
and tho i have pages of conjecture- thats surely what it is
she says i love you- 10 times a day
she gives me a facial
we have great sex now
practically every night
i love her more than ever
so surely even if the worst case scenario is occurring
i still have a loving wife- who is doing ething she can at mo to make me feel good
thanks- !!
thanx for he
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A
female
reader, maxfactor +, writes (3 January 2008):
maxfactor is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell- latesti think she may have had a brazilian wax and not told me- is this a bit much for a bikini wax or is this a sign of window dressing for another she does wear see thro panties to work which i find strange, she has said- well, no one is gonna see them if i am at work - but i dont know, i think there might be more than one guy sometimes? i think i am in denial and that it is pretty obvious something is going on but i am too scared to give her up, cos deep down i love her with all my heart; I confide in her, i adore her- now i realise that i need her, she feeds me- looks after me and NEEDS ME- i think - or she could easily have walked this last three months, she could have had me admitted at one pointHOWEVER- i think i validate her existence, she has no real friends, only family, her old friends have all moved away- and NONE of them keep in touch, her new friends are all child related and i think she is getting nervous with them, i think she needs me cos I AM HER ONLY TRUE FRIEND; I think we are friends- but she has become sick in a way and needs sex!!i think i have been a nice, safe man, smitten on her and she has used me- in an innocent way to her- but obviously in a brutal way to you or my thinking she knows i am safe, she knows i am besotted, she knows she can manipulate me, she knows NOW i dont want to leave, HOWEVER- i dont know, i cant move on at the moment, i dont want to lose her. I think she will be with me forever, HOWEVER- it will be under her termsshe says i want everything the way things were! - not a good thing to say to me under the circumstances - HELP-!i am gonna give her one more chance, try and remain strong, see what happens next, i am at the stage where she will have to start living the rest of her life, i have had her under lock and key for a bit but now i will let her go and keep my eyes open - surely she will see that 18 years is not worth throwing away for some sex... i dunno- i hope so
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2007): Hunny,
Its not your doing firstly, Is it my fault I married a man who lied constantly... Who for the first yr of the relationship was the perfect partner I could have hoped for. Then changed the minute we married who beat raped and nearly killed me... Is that my fault? For not knowing or believing another can be so cruel, Do I blame his mother for giving birth to him? And not telling me his capabilitys...His sister for being my friend and not understanding...His brother for trying to help him....
NO!!!!
One persons doing is just that, The family may have brought the said person up to believe or not believe in certain things in life hunny and there may be similaritys as there are going to be and as a family they may stick together but looking at it this way will very much get you down.
I understand all the emotions you are going through and thinking why didnt you notice or see it the way you see it now, But the point is you see it now. Dont ask yourself over and over again the same questions it will make you very ill and its really not worth it as you are the most important person here and for your well being DONT LET THEM WIN! You are here for a reason a special reason as I said before love you have to get strong to deal with this, you are seeing someone which is good vent all your feeling to them always believe in yourself never ever think you are weak or blind for not seeing these things you are a loving man who loved his wife who never in a million years thought this would happen because of your nature and not everyone has a kind and caring nature unfortunatly the world isnt made that way, Ive been through alot and Im still here Im not going anywere the more life throws at me the stronger I get and hunny you can do this as horrible as it all is as there weakness is your strength. I believe this so much if I can do it you can.. If you need some help in between your councelling then ill do what I can message me ok please believe in you TAKE CARE WITH LOVE MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, maxfactor +, writes (30 December 2007):
maxfactor is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have such ups and amazing downs
now i think i have traced signs of infidelity back almost to square 1- 18 years ago
is it possible to live in a daze for this time
can a girl pick you out for love and as a friend a soul mate
but use you and manipulate you because you are weak and besotted
and do what she likes behind your back
can a whole family be evil- to back her up
is it in the genes- her sisters are definitely- infidelity types
i think my wife was on the rebound when i met her
had been denied things for too long
did not really want me
but somehow i won part of her heart
suficient to believe she loved me
but somehow she hasnt been able to say no to all lifes temptations- and somehow- i have not noticed until last 6 months
when i think it has gone hay wire
and she has become untidy- care free- etc
is this possible-
thats me at most negative
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2007): Hunny
you already sound a little more positive, and as little as it may be just always remember to have faith in yourself with much love mandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, maxfactor +, writes (27 December 2007):
maxfactor is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanxthese are really helpful positive answers and i am very gratefuli will try to get to a positive place although it is not easyseeing a psych nurse every couple of weeks - and the wife is still hereshe says she will be with me, always has been and always will be; i have doubts thoughthanks guys and girls- xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2007): I agree with what Mandy7 and dearkelja have said, so I won't repeat anything. I do have a question and a thought.
Question: Has all of her activity completely changed since October 25? I get the impression that she is not doing any of those things that you listed since then, except for being closer to you.
If this is the case, then I think that one of them may have broken up the relationship on the 24th or 25th. This is assuming that there was actually an affair going on.
I will repeat one thing though. The 2 of you really do need to talk about this, in a civil way. Don't allow yourself to argue. I speak with experience on this, as I have made the mistake of arguing too many times. It gets nowhere. If it starts to happen, then just stop talking until both of you are calmer.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (26 December 2007):
 You have a lot of evidence for sure. Though when you get a feeling about something your mind has a way of twisting all the facts to fit into your perception.
I can't tell you what is going on with your wife, only she can. I think that you have put a lot of effort into this document, you are pretty wrapped up in this, maybe for a good reason. You need to find a quiet time with your wife and talk through your marriage and how you are feeling. You don't need to say "I think you are having an affair" you could say "I feel our marriage is threatened."
You seem pretty depressed about all of this and so focused on her life. I think you should have the discussion with your wife and if she says you have no reason to feel threatened then you should find a way to move past this. You seem pretty depressed and absorbed in this. If she isn't having an affair, your depression/suspicion is likely to drive her to one.
Spend your energy rebuilding a happy life for yourself. Focus on your son. Go out and have some happy times. Being happy is infectious and it could be your wife will come around more to you if you were in a better place.
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A
female
reader, maxfactor +, writes (26 December 2007):
maxfactor is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks that is real helpfuland thoughtful toohe is very stand offishhas not really been the same with me for a while, almost abusive at timeshe never used to be like that and only goes out with me- when he has too- i feel he has never been very communicative anywayand since my paranoia has started?i have realised that HE CAN NOT BE TRUSTED. Three times he let me down in little ways in the past that i cant defend and have only realised latelyi have always been a bit paranoid about this and felt there eyes have lingered too long when all 3 of us were together - but would never imagined in my wildest dreams that it could be a realitymy wife would have to be evil to put me thro what she has recentlyi have seen a doctor a shrink been put on medication and in hospital for a day and have been going thro this now for 2 months!!she can answer ething/ every question almost expertly though some answers are strange and i think she gets mixed up tooher memory seems very poor and some things i think are important she does not seem toi can write some more some timeBUT YOUR ADVICE IS SOUND- because the few people i can trust have all said the same thingthe few people who cant be sure one way or another agree GET STRONG, BEFORE DEALING WITH THE QUESTIONjust hard to get out of the dealing with it phaseor forgetting it in order to be strong for the next phase[Moderator's note: Please don't fragment your sentences as it can be hard to read, thank you.]
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2007): Hi Sweatheart,
No I dont think your paranoid at all, My advise to you right now is get help for you for your confidence as once you confidence starts to improve you are ready to approch this behaviour change more positively and stronger.
I cant answer the questions as to why your marriage has seemed loveless for you for most of the time as that is how it comes across to me hunny and I feel very much for your sadness, There are a few things that you wrote that most women do on a normal day week monthly basis. As you are noticing these drastic changes so much as you are more than likely her best friend as she knows you so deaply, To have sex 3 times a day or twice a month does not make someone no another more deaply its the day to day contact and unconditional respect and love that conects us as friends the sexual side should be there when you love another but it hasnt been there from the start..That was or seems more like a reproductive reason in my mind in this relationship for her, and if as you feel she has done something with your best man then maybe she is now realising the grass is no greener on the other side as she does not seem happy deap down from what I read between the lines..( I may be wrong and apologies if thats so) You have to get strong to deal with these issues to face them and talk with her if you feel you can carry on with this marriage if she has cheated in this way.
The stronger you get then the more control you will have on your emotions to deal with a situation as heartbreaking as this can be, Also there is your friend the best man what does he have to say as I would wish to no more from him love if he is a friend he canot hide anything if you have known someone for along time you can see it in there face, Talk with him as well.
At this moment in time you are the priority and when you gain that strength you will be more clear and hopefully no what you need to do. Please take care with much love mandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, maxfactor +, writes (25 December 2007):
maxfactor is verified as being by the original poster of the questionphone call- to him- SHE SAID THIS WAS A COMPUTER ERROR!!!!
late nights at work/ on call - FROM 5- 1030 some nights?!
On call nights becoming erratic
WORKED V LATE ONE NIGHT- 3-430- still went to work NOT SUPPOSED TO
V/v/long days at shops- throughout our marriage
better dressed from I would say- June- noticeable
May have been longer, too depressed to notice
make up to work/ lip gloss- pink?- girl I met did not wear m/up
Perfume to work- very rarely- but nevertheless on some days recently
Now new sexy undies- see thro to work?-
always white pants b4!!, changes last 6 months to year or two?!
Made no effort in 16 YEARS to spice up undies- Y now- always white pants!!,
Off work a lot- may have used all hols already - on Thursday took day off because said she was fed up with work- she has not said that before- Shelikes her work!
plucking eyebrows- constantly
In toilet constantly
shaving nether regions
Hinted that she may have UTI - then changed her mind
I gave her sample of mine to check- cos I started peeing a lot too- she said it was ok?
contacts instead of glasses- dr advised against lenses? Went out in them noticeably
Has not worn them since I brought it up- says they were for swimming
weight concerns?- she has gone mega on a weight problem since June? She does not!!!
Bought weights for her legs and skipping rope?
Died hair- red!- said it was a mistake? First time she has made a mistake- RED!!
Mahogany- lighter- advice for darker hair!
housework undone- - dishes, dinner often unready-
When about to go part time part of her plan was - well at least the house will be clean and dinner on table?!
She said when would I have time to have an affair- I do not see her from 730am to 7pm at night mostly
Appearance suddenly V Important
Secretive almost with me, and with family-
Happy at me one minute angry at me next- for no apparent reason
Angry at son- more than necessary
The walkouts- a lot, where did she go
She called our car a nissan- like his, not ours- honda
She knew about him and another girl having an Abortion?- I dont think i told her that
She said - I think he told me- Aye like, anyones gonna tell you that
She said one day- ‘When I make love to you, I like it, cos its you’- ?
She now seems so disorganised
She tells me things three times- as if she is not sure who she speaks to about stuff
She changes the subject sometimes, at least three or 4 times in the last week
Disappearing when out sometimes, unobtainable at home and on mobile- mostly lately- ESP AT DINNERTIMES
On call 3am one night- at work the next- supposed to get day off after day on call
WEDDING- I was not allowed to get drunk- saved for the big night
Wedding- left early, I never knew why, I never got to say cheerio to anyone,
she was sick on way to hotel- I was bemused but never thought about it much?
We never made love on our wedding night
We have hardly ever made love during our 11 years of our marriage
And really when I think about it don’t believe we have been happy since 1993/5
We didn’t make love for 5 years at one point?
Recently- Three times a yr at best
since confronted we have made love 6 times - guilt?- or bonding
Her sex drive seems higher NOW
Was sky LOW before
Only did it when she was fertile
She seems experienced- more experienced than me
She kisses differently from before
She masturbates well
She leads ething
She controls
She put the condom on properly - first time
Have not used rubber for years
She goes on top now
She cums on top? 4/6
She never used to with me in her
No oral sex either way- throughout marriage
She never opened up any of my emails for 2-3 years
Now going to gym- supposedly for us
If I give up, will she still go
If having an affiar- and after being confronted
Why did she not give up - why after all the mistakes-
I have not been a saint myself and have had 10 major blips with her- nothing like this- but some real anger!!
she has said her three sisters in the past have all been unfaithful, Y not her, what’s good for the goose, etc- in the genes
She wants me to go away- actively tells me to go- overnight for gigs, or outings with lads
She spends lots of money now
All on cal;l money goes where- replaces visa?
Why were visas so high- 3k x4 and 1.5K- in jig time
Has now stooped All on call stopped-
StARTED Caqlling me darling on oct 25th- on text- ouch!
Never used that term before
Was acting V V V weird on Oct 25th
She will buy me anything at moment and DO anything to PROVE her love/ frindship/ innocence?
All her pals have moved away- alienated by me?, alienated by her?, or free to go
She has new friends but now seems wary of them too
Can she not let anyone get close?
For whatever reason?
Or do they all find out something they don’t like
Positives-
Still here
sweet? and the mother of my son
and catholic
can catholics sin and then confess and everything or anything is ok?
because confessing relieves in some way
Or does she hate me enough to let her do all this
Or is it a thrill
Does doing it make her come back to me
Maybe love more
Or am I her only tie to the past- her only friend- other than family
DOES THAT WHY SHE NEEDS ME
Cos like me she still loves what we were- who we were
And still thinks she loves me too
I AM REALLY STRUGGLING
So thanks for reading this
And if you think I am still paranoid after all of the above- maybe your right
FORGIVE ME if I am wrong
FORGIVE THEM if I am right
FORGIVE ME for the dark ness
AND LEAD US ALL to the proper path
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A
female
reader, ew1097 +, writes (24 December 2007):
What were the 9 pages of doubt? I don't understand how your friend's number can instantly get into her phone without her putting it there...by dialing it. Your wife being super-defensive is suspicious to me. It would've been good to wait and check out more dialog between them but what can you do now? Since this is your wife, I say these are grounds to snoop! Intercept the cell phone bill. If it comes to the house get it before she does and check out the number of times she's dialed him and he's dialed her. I'm not sure if cell phone companies do this, but try to get a record of the text msgs rec'd and sent. Normally, this is too sneaky but I believe you have the right to find out. Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2007): Hi Hunny,
I agree with the last post, more infomation would be a help. Give us a little more to go on sweetheart love mandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (22 December 2007):
There was no computer error on the phone. She does know how it got there. It could be several things. Are they planning a surprize party for you?
I guess I can't say what is going on because I don't know what the text said and if it was to you or her. What are these 9 pages of doubts?
More information may help us.
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