A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has been going through my phone lately. He says, this is something all couples do. I said no it's not!!! He wanted to read my text messages and I didnt want him to. I dont want nobody looking through my phone. When we would talk over the regular phone, I would say "What u doing, Boo"?? and he would say "Im chatting". He was chatting on his cell phone, while he was supposed to be talking to me!!! I didnt say anything, of course I was upset. If he can chat, why cant I text and receive texts?? God knows who he was chatting with??
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female
reader, tbk  +, writes (17 May 2008):
I think that she is cheating or else she wouldn't have anything to hide. I honestly think that might ruen your realionship.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wanna say "Thanks" to all of those who have responded to my question.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): I think that it depends on where you are in your relationship. My wife and I have no secrets between us. However, when we were dating, we did have our private lives. We didn't know what we were talking to our friends about. When we started living together and later got married, our lives became open to each other.
However, there is no one correct answer. Some married couples, like my wife and I, have no secrets. Other couples have lives private from the other. That doesn't mean that they are cheating. They just want a part of their lives to themselves. If you want privacy, then he should honor that wish. I think that the best way to handle it is like Oblivia suggested in her second paragraph.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): So what's the big deal? I always thought when one is sharing a love and a life with someone else, they should not have to 'hide' their life, their messages, etc. . Let me clue you in. If this is a long term, serious, committed dating relationship..then everything you and he both do on cell phones, computers, myspace, msn chat, facebook etc, etc...is, in fact, each other's business. That's what relationships mean..sharing and retaining a trustworthy 'open book policy' on each other's activities, friends, interests..the whole ball of wax. That builds solidarity and trust, doesn't it? What am I missing here?
Everytime you tell him he can't look at your text messages and everytime he is texting on the other end of the phone to other unknown people..you both are doing a very damaging thing to your relationship. You both are seriously compromising the TRUST that needs to be consistantly built and kept solid, in a good, quality relationship. And without trust you have nothing. So tell me, how serious are you about building and upholding the trust in your relationship, dear? How really, really important is that very thing to you..and to him? Think about this. When you get mad at him for looking at your phone text messages, what do you really, really think he is wondering. I bet my bottom dollar he's not thinking, "gee I am invading her privacy-I had better stop'. Nope. What he is really thinking is, "wow, she's pissed. So what is she hiding?" Do you see what I am trying to say here?
What get's couples in trouble everytime in a love relationship, is that one little niggling, but very explosive thought and that is: "I" am entitled to my privacy! No, wrong..that should be "WE" are entitled to our privacy. I am here to tell you, that yes, you can have your privacy from everyone else in the whole wide world...except your beloved, the person who lovingly commits to you and shares your life. His privacy becomes yours...you both share that together.
Eg: My fiancee and I share a life, we love each other, we have nothing to hide. Thus we share everything. That includes computer passwords, cell phones, we see each other's emails, text messages, even personal letters/ cards. I really could care less if he wanted to see everything. Really, I'm serious. Why? Because our two lives that have combined to make one. What's mine is his...what's his is mine. Plain and simple.
I suggest you let him see your phone messages. After all, you have nothing to hide, do you? But the deal is you see his messages Tit for Tat. If you both won't do that for each other, then you don't have much of a solid base here to work on. ANd the more you both insist on 'privacy', the more this relationship will sink until there is not one iota of trust...and that's so sad, isn't it?
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A
female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (15 November 2007):
 I agree with Duskyrowe, this is invading privacy and definitely not something all couples do. You do have a right to a private sphere even if you are in a relationship, and it doesn't mean anyone is cheating for keeping their messages to themselves. After all there might be messages there sent to you by colleagues or friends about things that is really none of his business, things that they expect you to not have anybody else to read, not even your boyfriend.
If he did it only one time, I think you could go gentle on him though. It could be that he just messing with you and wanted to check how far he could go, and now that he knows, he will respect your boundaries in the future and not do it again. He might not have understood before that this is important to you. In any case I would take him seriously on this so he doesn't feel you don't care about his feelings and treat him as you want him to treat you. Don't argue with him about who he was chatting with only to show him your point. If it would come down he is doing this simply because he thinks that as your boyfriend he has an automatic right to all your private correspondence, then I would say he sounds very possessive and controlling.
Best wishes!
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (15 November 2007):
 This guy is invading your privacy,and it is not what all couples do. Next time he asks you to read your messages, call his bluff and ask to read his text messages and see how he reacts. I bet you my bottom dollar he won't let you.
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