A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Any advice or words of wisdom...?I've been with my boyfriend (24 years old) for coming up 5 years (in June). I'm 20 years old and we began our relationship when I was 15 (inexperienced, insecure and unstable etc). This ex was with him for about 2 years, she is 2 years his senior (now 26). He and she were virgins before they met... and naturally it disappoints me that I didn't meet him first. Anyway, at 15 years of age I was insecure and knowing about their long relationship, I was jealous... angry... hated her. He never told her that he found a new girlfriend. He broke up with her the night we met, the night he kissed me --- he cheated on her with me. Six months into our relationship she sends him a birthday present... I'm peeved. Thinking, what the hell? You guys aren't together. Get over it. Then I find out that she's none the wiser about our relationship. Naturally he didn't want to tell her about me because she was apparently "close to suicide" when he broke it off with her --- (loser).To continue... things cooled down after a couple of years, we had our ups and downs, our uncertainties but we got through it. Through thick and thin (they say). So, I was secure... I mean after 5 years... who wouldn't be! The ex had moved on... and I thought that my bf had too. So we move in together, or at least.. I quit my job and move 80 odd miles away to move in with him. It was a sacrifice I was happy to make. After all, we had spent 4 and a half years enduring long distance and seeing each other only at the weekend.A week into us living together and I stumble across an unfamiliar email address he had signed in with. Long story short, I guessed the password (I knew some of his usual passwords) and I find dozens of emails from the ex... including naked photos of her, stories and fantasies of what she wanted to do to him etc...Confused, shaking with anger and writhing with disbelief, I confronted him. Am still with him now, it's been a little over 2 weeks since the confrontation.My problem is that I can't get over it. They planned to meet up (although he said they didnt) and all they talked about was sex and fantasies. He sent her emails about how he has a "special bond" with her - that will never be broken. How she is perfect for him, so well suited. She and he are into BDSM, her being the Sub, him being the Dom. It's like this woman gives him something that I can't. Something I can't match. When we argue about her, he defends her. He never says a bad word. I don't know how often they kept in contact over the last 5 years of our relationship, I only have his word to take.. and at the moment that is VERY difficult to trust.He said it was just talk, no mic, no cam, no phone calls, no rendezvous'. That she was just a fantasy. Fact is, he told her in an email that he still thinks "there is a chance for them in the future". These emails were dated back to October / November... but how am I supposed to believe that he doesn't feel like this now?I mean, yes.. I live with him now, that is a huge step to take. If he wasn't certain about our relationship then he wouldn't invite me to move in. But now I'm the one suffering. How am I supposed to believe that he won't just give up on me and go back to her? It seems that even after 5 years, they both still have open arms. And although he says he doesn't talk to her (anymore), how am I supposed to believe they won't talk in the future? He even admitted that he would still like to know she is alive... and well.I mean, he wants to know if anything major happens in her life. A year and a half into our relationship she texts him out of the blue and tells him that she was raped. Brutally. Beaten and had her jaw and wrist broken. I am human, I'm not evil. I do sympathise, it was a horrific thing and she needed someone to talk to. So she confided in him. I didn't find out that she contacted him about this until a few months later --- which only angered me. He didn't tell me because he knew I would be angry, jealous, insecure and that I wouldn't understand. Looking back, he was right. I was all of the above, and then some.So what it all boils down to... is that the woman at the very root of my insecurities, tried to get back with my bf. My worst nightmare came true, he almost went back to her. He dumped me in November and claimed we weren't sexually compatible, little did I know that this was around the same time he planned to meet with the ex. Horrifying I know. He wanted her back, he wanted her instead. What I'm trying to establish now, is whether there is something worth worrying about. He cried, he begged me not to leave, he said that it was ME he wanted, ME. That he doesn't WANT HER. And (this is delightful) how "if he wanted her, he could easily go and be with her". But no, it's me he wants. I sit here at 2:50am whilst he is asleep, typing this. Confused, where do I stand? Is the person I moved in with genuinely wanting a future with me? Or should I be worried that they will get bored and eventually go back to the ex.I can't trust him. They are both c***s in my eyes. She knew that he was with me all this time, she knew. How can I respect a person like this? A homewrecker. She tried to destroy everything. How can I empathise with such a f***** up individual? My consolation prize SHOULD be, that she never succeeded. He lies in -our- bed, in -our- house, belonging to -us-. I should feel firm and secure, but I don't. How can I? When my worst nightmare of insecurity came true. He wrote to her, he did want her, he does want her?I told him straight up, I said "I don't want you to ever speak to her again". He always responds "I'm not talking to her!!". I mean, NEVER AGAIN. Not in future. Never. No more "catching up", nothing. Because clearly he cannot be trusted with her. After reading all the lusty emails he wrote her, how can I ever let them be in contact? I don't like being the one to dictate who he can and cannot talk to, but really... he betrayed my trust. He's made me totally insecure again. I feel like I'm back at square one, and then some.As he stated in one of his emails, I will always feel like they have a special, unbeatable, incomparable bond that will never be severed. This infuriates me! I just want her gone, out of our lives. He says that she IS. But her last email was February. That's only 3 months ago!! How do I know that communication won't resume behind my back? He reassures me that it won't. I trusted him before, he supposedly never contacted her. Now I find the worst possible scenario, confirming all my insecurities. How can I bounce back from this? I'm desperately trying to salvage my feelings for him, but I feel like I don't know him. He tells me that he was a different person back then (in Oct / Nov 08), but how do I know that that wasn't the real him, the true person. That all along he has wanted her, over me.I should probably tell you a little about this woman. This pitiful woman. Mountain of issues. She's slim/slender, 5'5 (inch taller than me), dark, gothic, into all the same metal music as him, adores BDSM (like him), likes gore, blood and other such things. Me and her are similar on some levels but I still feel like she is better suited to him, due to the sex and musical interests. After all, he has stated that these are two very important things to him. Things he feels that we are not compatible on.She has a dark childhood, possible molestation from her Uncle or Father, beatings and general abuse... (I assume some of this because he won't tell me. He won't tell me because he doesn't want to betray her. He's the "only one that knows" and he won't change that --- oh how this infuriates me further). She is a troubled woman, tattooed and pierced, alternative and almost desperately trying to be f***** up. Has always wanted someone to call her "Master", someone to be a "Slave" to.She is pretty attractive, sounds like a nice person overall. I do compare myself. I have always said to him "you prefer goth girls, don't you?" to which he always responded "for f***s sake". I sometimes fantasized about dyeing (sp?) my hair dark for him, to see if it pleased him. But I don't want to taint my unique auburn hair; he tells me he loves it, loves my uniqueness.She is slim / slender, with nice (small / average) breasts. I am average with large breasts (that I hate). I want to be slimmer like her, with smaller (more manageable) boobs. She has huge gothic tattoos and I wonder if he loves them too.During the confrontation he stated that she was a troubled individual and that was one of the reasons why it didn't work out with her. I mean, honestly, looking at her I wonder why anyone would want to employ her. A nose ring, visible tattoos (of naked women), drawn on eyebrows. Me, I'm what you would class as "vanilla". Normal looking. Nothing shocking. This woman cries out for attention, shocking people with her appearance. She's like that picture of that girl, doing a cartwheel/handstand on the beach with the caption "LOOK AT ME!!!". At least, that's how I like to think of her. An attention seeking wh***.I'm harbouring / festering so much anger, frustration, confusion and general insecurities over this. One part of me thinks that I've seen enough, the relationship is brown-bread (dead). Another part of me loves him to pieces and wants to build a future. I have to make a decision, I'm hurting too much. Everytime I feel like we are getting on track, my insecurities surface and we argue. Yes I probably cause the arguments, but the arguments are a consequence of his actions. I just can't silence the voices (no I'm not insane). I refer to the insecurities... the voices that say "He still wants her", "Look at her, you're ugly compared to her!", "You'll never satisfy him, only she can".To conclude, I have no answer. No conclusion. No decision. Only a f****** mountain of insecurities to silence, bury, destroy, annihilate or over come (pick one). This is the worst point of my life so far. How does one get over their worst nightmare becoming a reality? Answer is --- they don't.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mzannthropik +, writes (9 July 2009):
Here I am again. I'm the insecure and obsessed girl.
I'm looking for further advice... in fact, unfortunately, my advice to my first post was limited. I'm hoping maybe I can bump this question and get some opinions.
This is a long story but I'll try to condense it, unfortunately when things are so complex it's not always best to cut corners... you distort the bigger picture.
I posted my initial question 2 weeks after the confrontation over his contact with his ex. Over the following 3 - 4 weeks we both went through utter hell. Arguing, yelling, screaming. We just couldn't get along. I was still harbouring so much hatred over the ex girlfriend emails and pictures.
Which, by the way, I collected (her semi naked photos) and posted on a duplicate facebook account and added all of her friends. Yes, I know. It was slightly immature, but I needed revenge. She knew that he was with me. She was very upset over this, but the most I can say is that she truly deserved it.
The last few weeks whilst I lived with my ex, as I said, were hell. He never laid a hand on me, never touched me. Wasn't interested in sex. We would cuddle, but it was as if I didn't complete him.
After several crisis talks we decided we'd give it a go. The BDSM relationship. Only for him to turn around a week later and dump me. He practically kicked me out. It wasn't an amicable split, I was very distraught... even though I forgave him for his ex girlfriend fiasco. It was me who didn't want the relationship to end.
Well, if this still makes sense, this break up happened 3 weeks ago. I reluctantly returned home, tail between my legs. My parents supported me. And for about a week I was a shell, an empty shell. I didn't want to eat, didn't want to sleep. I was numb, I still couldn't take it in. I didn't want to believe that the man I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with, just .. dumped me. I mean, five years!
I bumped into an old school friend yesterday, whom I haven't spoken to for my... maybe 3 years? And I told her that we had split up. She truly thought that we would get married. Such is life, huh?
So I'm sitting here, pondering. My ex has been making contact with me since the split, trying his hardest to salvage a friendship from the wreckage he made. I was initially very wary, didn't want to speak to him. Each time I spoke to him my stomach would knot. Oddly enough, he told me the same applied to him when we were NOT speaking.
So this contact has been going on for a couple of weeks and now, things have gotten too deep. A friendship isn't what he's trying to maintain anymore. He has now told me that he would like to "try again in the future" when he has moved house, etc.
He was flirting with me prior to this serious conversation, lustful texts at 4am. I never encouraged any of it, I never responded. But now I get this, an open door in the future. I have mixed feelings about this. He says that there were too many problems when I was living with him in Oxford.
It's been 3 weeks since this breakup and in all honesty, I've felt really good. I've resumed old friendships, I've had a laugh, my social life is slowly getting back on track and I've had compliments such as "you look like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders". And you know what? I agree.
I feel different, regenerated almost. I need to collect my thoughts but I don't know where to begin. My ex has been determined to maintain contact through this split and in some aspects it feels like he's done this in order to keep "an eye on me". Keep me "interested". Keep me "wrapped around his little finger". It's like he had me on a hook and didn't want to let me go; like a sadistic fisherman who can't decide whether to kill the catch... or free it from the hook.
Harsh metaphor, I know. I'm not sure what else to say, I just hope that someone out there will be able to give some sound advice, or post a relevant experience that I might find useful.
What does one do about a long term partner (5 years) whom has broken up with you so many times... it's unreal. Whose relationship has been a rocky, bumpy, rollercoaster ride. Whose heart was effectively torn out of their chest and repeatedly stomped on.
He called me a "glutton for punishment" when I tried to reconcile with him. He said I was "too nice". Should I turn the tables and tell him my life is better without him? Or am I cutting off my nose to spite my face?
Do I see myself in the future with this person? I used to. I did. Marriage, house, kids. The whole nine yards. Now, when I think of him, his face is blurry. He is no longer the person I used to know. How do I know that I'm not setting myself up for an even BIGGER fall in the future? As if things could get much worse...
My heart has hardened since this split, my backbone is strengthening.
Someone give me advice on what to do. Should I move on and enjoy another relationship whenever it may come along? Or should I try to reconcile again?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): "How is he with my male friends?"He is generally ok, he is not insecure but there are times when I wonder whether he truly trusts me.He insists that all blokes are the same, and that it's unlikely they'll be looking for a strict friendship. I think he's suspicious of all male intentions towards me. And although I can be fully trusted, this concern about male contact is unnecessary, but I understand why he acts this way.After all, if your ex gf is raped by a "male friend" then I can see why he would want to protect and prevent me from getting into such a situation. I think this event affected him very deeply.Thanks for all the answers and advice.Yours trulyInsecure and Obsessed
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): Just a quick question.. How is he with your men friends?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2009): Well as a 1st I hope it helped to get alot of that off your chest as it sounds like you have been bottling it for a while. There is alot of things that scream bad news to me but anything can be fixed with time and effort on both sides and a few different issues that need sorting out. The 1st I would try your darndest to sort is your self perception. You'd be suprised what men really want and its not the overly skinny people you see in the magazines. You say this other girl is pretty etc but from what you have said I would totally disagree. There are alot of trust issues and i would totally agree with mrs.smith81608 that he has to totally cut the girl outta his life if he wants to have a proper relationship with you. Telling you his ex is a 'fantasy' is particularly unsensitive of him. If this was just a friend then fair enough, there shouldnt be a problem but he has had previous relationship with her and there seems to still be feelings.
His personal preference in the bedroom is one of those things that takes a certain type of person to be able to deal with. It could be anything from cross dressing to full BDSM but if you not into it its not something that can be forced on you if you uncomfortable with.
If he cant just be happy with who you are then PLEASE find someone that will be as for every person that will treat you bad there will be 100's that would love to be with you. Look at the population.... BILLIONS! you have a pretty good chance at the statistics!!! Dont let ANYONE ever make you feel even slightly less than the person you could be.
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A
female
reader, mrs.smith81608  +, writes (11 May 2009):
Wow, you do hate her! I understand your frustration, along with the feeling of betrayal. The only advice I can offer is this, to say to him that if there is any contact made by either party that your relationship is over. Tell him you can't trust him at the moment due to the past issues with her and that for him to earn that trust back-he has to prove to you that he's over her and that they are done.
Now, you need to become more appreciative of your body if you're not. Also appreciate the attributes that make you better than her, not only physically but all the way around. Appreciate yourself.
I am still jealous of my husband's ex-gf's before me. The two that he had serious feelings for. One simply because he had her name tatooed on his chest. We've been together over two years and have a child together but I wouldn't even touch his chest where the tat was because it would kill my mood. The other was because she'd gotten my number not long after we started dating and called me with a bunch of BS telling me that he was at her house while I was at work, and I knew he wasn't. But it still didn't make me any less uncomfortable. The one who was tatooed on him sent him a letter two months into our relationship basically telling him her fantasies and etc. (similar to the emails your man got) and talking about their past sexual encounters. So I know how you feel. He still has pictures of her in a shoebox and I don't like that, but after seeing them, I feel much more comfortable. I think I look WAY better than her, not to mention I have a better personality from what I have heard about her scruples.
SO, in closing, be honest and if you can't get past this, maybe you ought to seek counseling. Appreciate yourself, your "better than her" qualities and let him know that you won't be his crutch. And if he really wants you, to end all communication with her. Possibly request he tells her in person, in front of you. Just so you have that peace of mind.
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