A
female
age
41-50,
*ntknwwhatswrong
writes:I have been with my husband for several years, and married for a while now. We both in our 30s have kids from both our previous marriages. Background - We met a few years ago. and fell in love instantly. Everything was perfect for months. We moved in together that same year, and all was wonderful. We got along so well. we decided to take a trip to NYC for the weekend. The whole drive there he was acting funny and every time we stopped for gas, he would get on his phone and walk away from me and talk. I noticed, but wrote it off as business. Once we got to NYC, we stayed in a very nice hotel and did some site seeing. We got back to our room and had amazing sex, as always.A friend whom I went to school with lived in the city, so I asked if he minded if we met with him and his wife. (I hadnt seen my friend in over 15 yrs - we had reconnected via facebook) He agreed and I set up a lunch date for the next afternoon. While at lunch, we were talking and catching up. My husband (BF at the time) kept walking out and talking on his phone. I was like WTF, but wasnt going to let it bother me too bad. (We had NEVER had a fight up to this point) When he returned, I could tell he was upset. I asked what was wrong and he said his work was stressing him out. Ok...no big deal. After lunch, my friend and his wife invited us to their apt for diner. We accepted and went back to our hotel. We had more amazing sex and got ready to go. We walked hand in hand 9 blocks from our hotel to my friend's apt. It was wonderful. We arrived and were seated on the couch, just visiting. His cell rang again. He asked for privacy and excused himself. (We could all hear him yelling, but couldnt hear what he was saying) When he returned, again I could tell he was very upset. I turned and asked him if he wanted to leave, he said no and apologized for the out burst. We carried on. About 10 mins later, my cell rang, with a number I didnt recognize. I said hello? On the other end of the phone was this woman screaming at me calling me nasty names. I asked who was speaking. She answer and said your BF's wife. I WAS IN PURE SHOCK!!!!! WHAT???? I was put on the spot in front of my friend and his wife in a city not near my home having just received a call from the love of my life's wife!?!?!?!?!?He freaked out and went into my friends bedroom to talk privately. He began apologizing and begging me to forgive him. He told me how much he loved me and how he wanted to tell me, but couldnt, bc he was afraid I'd leave him. I cried, was humiliated, heartbroken and wanted to punch him in the face...but...I loved him so much, I just needed time. We returned to have dinner and all pretended it didnt happen. After a few drinks I did forget. The next morning, I was very angry and confused. I called my mother and told her I needed a plane ticket, as I didnt have my laptop. She agreed to take care of it and began packing. He came back to the room and fell to his knees and began to cry. He apologized repeatedly and continued to beg me not to leave him. I told him I couldnt talk to him right now and I was going to get a cab to the airport. He begged me not to go and agreed to give me space on the drive home. I agreed, as well. The drive home I didnt utter one word to him for over a long drive, until we were almost home. He, on the other hand, cried and freaked out the whole way. It was so very hard to be next to him in the car for so long and not touch him or hold his hand, as I usually did.The next day, I sat down with him and asked him if there was any part of him that thought his marriage to the mother of his children could be worked out. He said no. He said it had been over for a few yrs, but he stayed for the kids (He moved to my state for work and his ex stayed where they were from - 4 states away) I told him he had 30 days to file the divorce. They agreed to all the terms and it was done very quickly. We moved on...The following year he proposed to me in front of my family. I was so happy and accepted. Later, he lost his job. Then he got another, but it required us to move from one state to another state very far away south. I had never been away from home. The move went well, we got our place and life was going ok. However, he wasnt happy with his job. We had made some friends and were beginning to settle in. A year on I had to go back home for a week for personal business and he stayed for work. We spoke every day for hours, sent texts, etc.When I returned home, something was wrong. He was weird, something was off in my house. I asked who had been there and he swore no one, but I knew better. (I thought he had guys from work over for some beers) After following my instinct, I did some PI work and found he had an affair with my friend while I was gone, in my house!!!! When I confronted, he lied. So I gathered all my info and confronted them both. They lied, but I was finally able to get them to confess, after i provided my evidence. I began packing, again...He begged me not to go. I loved him and didnt. He swore he would make it up to me for the rest of my life. Later he got a job offer in an overseas country. I was going to go, but we needed to be married for the visa. We got married, he left 12 days later. Due to personal reasons, I didnt get my passport. He came home after 3 months for a visit and it was weird. We got over it. We had begun fighting alot while he was gone mostly due to my insecurities. Now, over a year later, we are still fighting a lot and he told me he wants a divorce. I love him so much and know I have done a lot of things wrong and have really hurt him. He is currently in another overseas country, and I want to join him. He said no, just file the paper work or I will. Then there are days, when we talk and things are ok, both knowing that he wants a divorce. I take responsibility for being a jerk, being mean and rude and saying things out of anger. We have not been smart about our finances and that is one reason he is still there. He blames me for everything. I have done everything wrong and pushed him farther away. I started reading a bunch of stuff on how to save the relationship, but its not working. I have been agreeing with him, when he goes off, staying positive, being complimentary and everything else the info suggested I do. I know if we could be together, he wouldn’t feel or act this this way. We haven’t seen each other since early this year. Perhaps, I am not being patient enough, but I just want my husband back and to stop him from wanting a divorce. What do I do? I need help in saving my marriage. I will do anything, but I will not compromise myself as a person. I have forgiven him and forgiven myself. What do I do to make him see I am not the person I was before? This man is truly the love of my life and I am in so much pain over this situation.
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affair, divorce, facebook, fell in love, heartbroken, his ex, lost his job, money, moved in, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2011): you've already compromised yourself enough as a person, time to break free from this toxic relationship and regain your sense of self and rebalance. He wants a divorce? You should REJOICE. He's inadvertently doing you a favor.not only has cheated on you and lied multiple times, now he's putting all the blame on you and making you believe you're the reason the relationship sucks and why he wants to divorce. So let me get this straight - he cheated and lied several times (maybe more than you're aware of) - while you forgave and bent over backwards trying to accommodate him, and yet you're the bad guy and he's the matyr. do you see how absurd this is? This is emotional abuse, messing with your mind distorting reality so you completely lose sense of yourself and what is real or not. that's what's happened to you. like emotional abuse victims, you're so dependent on your abuser that you will do anything to keep him in your life so you can continue to get abused because you know no other way to live. He's probably doing it on purpose too, he isn't the suffering poor guy because of your saying mean and angry things to him. he's just using that as an easy excuse to divorce when actually he's found someone new. that's typical of abusive people - they use you, mess with your mind and emotions, and then when they find someone new they get rid of you but make it to be your fault so they can feel good about themselves.there IS a far better life for you, one that does not have him in the picture. it won't happen immediately but trust that eventually when he's out of your life you WILL regain your sense of reality and see this for what it really is, and you will be much happier for not having him in your life anymore. He will be some poor other woman's problem, not yours. go ahead, let him file for divorce. You should slam him in divorce court with his infidelities (you have proof from when he cheated with your friend). call his first wife see if she will be your ally now that he's done the same to you and help you gang up on him in court.
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (22 April 2011):
 OMG! You have become the crazy wife he goes outside to talk to "privately" on the cell phone while he's entertaining a new girlfriend overseas! Don't you see the pattern? Of course he wants a divorce. He probably hasn't spent one moment alone since he's been away. I'm sorry to be so blunt but you have to quit blaming yourself for being the problem behind your marriage, when clearly it's your cheating man that has been the problem from day one, starting with the way he slinked around behind his last wife's back with you. You have proven time and again he cannot be trusted. He will always have someone else on the side when he's given the chance. And he lies to cover his tracks. Come on, your best friend? You keep forgiving this guy and continuing to be tortured. File for divorce you have the perfect out and a chance to start over. He will never take responsibility for his actions.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (22 April 2011):
He's the one who lied to you that he was still married (did you not know he had kids either?), and then he's the one who had an affair while you two were married. And each time, it was only when he got caught out then the truth came out, he never once decided to be truthful of his own accord with you. If his previous wife hadn't called your phone during the NYC trip, was he ever going to tell you he was married? He only got divorced because she blew his cover and you demanded he get divorced. Then years later he had an affair with your friend. Again he lied to cover it up and only when you did your own investigating and confronted him with the evidence, he STILL tried to continue lying until he couldn't anymore.
And yet.....you are blaming yourself for the problems in your marriage?? You say you are taking responsibility for being a jerk?? You berate yourself for not being patient enough? Has your self esteem been so eroded by this jerk that you blame yourself for everything and place zero responsibility on him? You blame yourself for being 'mean and rude and saying things out of anger' yet you do not blame him for LYING to you at the start of your relationship about his DOUBLE LIFE and betraying you while you were married?
Your anger at him is not your fault, because he was the one who lied and betrayed you so many times!! And yet when your naturally resulting paranoia and anger shows through, he blames you for it and you accept the blame, he has destroyed not just your relationship and trust but also your self esteem.
You need to leave this guy, he's making it easy for you because he wants a divorce. So, get the divorce, why try to hold onto this jerk?? for all you know there may have been even more infidelities which you don't have evidence for because he was overseas ( it was "weird" when he got home, and by now you know what that means because this is a recurring pattern).
You already ARE compromising yourself by staying in this marriage and trying desperately to hold it together.(why? so he can continue cheating on you and lying to you?)
you say that you have been trying to win him back by agreeing with him, being complimentary etc..those "relationship articles" that talk about this, are usually giving advice that is good IF the marriage's foundation is not seriously broken already. If your marriage is already broken due to severe trust issues because of infidelity and lying, and money problems, simply being "complimentary" and "staying positive" isn't going to save a relationship, it's like trying to put use a band aid to cover up your open heart surgery.
You may have thought that you officially forgave him all of those times for his lies and infidelities. So therefore now all the relationship problems are due entirely to you because he has been absolved of everything. Your lingering insecurities and the behaviors it makes you do (probably you've been invading his privacy out of paranoia over whether he's having another affair) are now all your fault because you officially forgave him those other times so the slate should have been wiped clean, is this correct? But feelings don't work that way. That's why infidelity is so toxic to marriages and relationships and why many marriages never recover from infidelity even many years later. Studies have shown that people feel more traumatized by their spouse's infidelity than by their spouse's death.
If you're really trying to save your marriage, you need to read not just those articles that tell you to be "nice" and "stay positive" and be "complimentary" to your spouse, because your marriage is way past that....you would need to be reading books and articles on dealing with your spouse's infidelity, and how even when couples work with a counselor it takes YEARS of gut wrenching work to save the marriage, if it even can be saved.
But even then, one person cannot save a marriage, it takes both people to want to save the marriage.
Furthermore he does not even acknowledge his role in the marriage breakdown (which shows just how uncommitted to the marriage he is). In fact he doesn't even want this marriage anymore. He has used you up and now he wants to discard you. Maybe he wants a divorce because he's found someone new in the other country. You know he's capable of doing that because he's done it before (dating someone while still being married and living separate lives until called out on it). Probably he has learned his lesson by now. He's learned that getting caught out by a new girlfriend sucks for him, so that's why he wants a divorce.
I think you need to ask yourself WHY are you trying to hold onto this marriage? this relationship seems to already have compromised yourself and your dignity.
You think he's the love of your life? Given his track record of betraying you, read back on your own post, if a friend or stranger wrote that post, would you advise them to try to hold onto this kind of a marriage??
I think you should give him the divorce he wants because (a) he doesn't want to be with you any more (b) even if he did, he has shown over and over again that he can't be trusted and you'll always be paranoid and angry, and that's no way to live for you either. (I do know couples who stayed married despite infedilities and decades later still are miserable even though they are still married, which I think is worse than having divorced).
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A
female
reader, aishiteru  +, writes (22 April 2011):
 haven't you realized that that is exactly what he did to his previous wife? that he might be also having an affair right now overseas?
I don't know this man but base on your story, he's not worth fighting for. Yes, true you also have your faults but he should have the balls to hear your explanation in giving you second chance.
And I also believe he's asking for divorce with a much more complex reason.
But as a woman, I know how you feel.
If you don't wanna lose this guy, follow him overseas.
tell him what you feel and tell you want to make it up to him.
but if he still didn't accept you, then you've done your part!
you gotta accept his decision.
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