A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for 10 years, we have 2 young kids and the marriage is not bad, but not in great shape either. Life is repetitive and somewhat stale.I have an infatuation with a workmate that is under control from an outsider's perspective (e.g I can still work professionally with her), but it's taking its toll on my mental and physical health. It has caused high blood pressure and regular episodes of stress related stomach cramps.I know I'm this close to seeking psychotherapy, but wanted to hear from the wise members of this forum before I take that step out of desperation.The problem started at last year's Christmas party when my colleague - who I've admired professionally, personally, intellectually and physically from pretty much my first day in the job there - let me know how much she admired me after a few too many drinks.That one thought, knowing how much she likes me (albeit in a drunken outpouring), has since snowballed into an infatuation that sees me trawling the Internet for more information about her, and has me daydreaming a dozen times a day endlessly hypothesizing how wonderful my life would be with her, and how this would destroy my "real" life. It has got to the point where I look forward to Monday more than I look forward to Friday, because I know I won't see her on the weekend.My wife isn't perfect but doesn't deserve to be dragged through an affair, my children don't deserve separated parents, and yet knowing this I still want to get to know her more than anything else in my life. Before the Christmas party my moral compass was always set to North, now I don't know where it is.I could go on about the wonderful traits this woman has, but in summary - she is 15 years younger than me with a combination of intellect, maturity, elegance and quirkyness that is just perfect.I have tried to shut her out of my thoughts, but the combination of my desire for her and the stale nature of my married life have seen me fail time and time again.Any help would be appreciated...
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male
reader, sroper70 +, writes (20 April 2011):
 Not really helping here but can kind of see what you are going through- mainly in relation to the infatuation with a work mate (see my question from yesterday) . I can very much relate to what you are going through but from a very different angle- I am the single guy infatuated with a married woman at work. The things you say about feeling that they are attracted to you, looking forward to Monday, thinking of her all the time etc, all sound very familiar. The common suggestion of 'putting them out of your mind, or ending the friendship are easier said than done.
Anyway, good luck with this and your marriage (and/or relationship with your co-worker)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks alot for your thoughts.
I've got some work to to rekindle things. The stale bit of our marriage is well established.
My wife's had a self esteem problem since our children were born, her body never returned to the shape it was and she went from being a bit overweight to quite overweight. Never been a problem for me, but she can't stand to be naked anymore, not in bed, not around the house. Needless to say, our sex life is an infrequent and repetitive thing. Nothing I've said in the last five years about her beauty has made one bit of difference to her psyche.
She's also good at shouting alot at our children, her stress becomes their problem very quickly, on an almost daily basis. I don't handle this well as 2 screaming children and a screaming wife can be too much at the same time.
And I don't know what's happened to her intellect, but she never bothers to use her brain anymore because she says she always so tired to 'think'. Her choices of music and TV are just mush for the brain. When we met it was her interests and intellect that attracted me.
Reflecting on your words - it's clear my infatuation does have it's up and downs in intensity - and it is tied to my wife's behaviour (pretty basic mid life crisis reaction I presume). The unfortunate thing is, I do know this woman quite well now and we do genuinely share a lot in common as well and have a lot of rapport. I say unfortunate because I'm a daydreamer who's never taken any risks in life, but I'm also loyal by nature and that has always trumped all.
I'm feeling alot clearer about not abandoning my marriage or carrying out and act of betrayal, but I do expect my wife to join me on the journey back to where we started, love wise. If she doesn't want to, and I genuinely don't know if she will, judging by her dismissal of my efforts over the last few years - then I don't know why we would stay together.
I would also hope she looks at my faults and asks me to work on them, instead of just taking my advise like a bitter pill as she often does.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2011): Stale huh? Maybe you should put time into appreciating the woman whom both of you brought wonderful kids into this world and try to control yourself a little bit. If you want to mess around with other women get a divorce, if you feel trapped by wife and kids get a divorce then you can eye up and do all the skirts you want.It's amazing how over time people forget their vows, marriage is something easy now a days, oh I'm bored so let me go and flirt a little, have a little affair, mean while she sitting at home oblivious to how you really feel. If you feel its "boring" sit down and talk about it, she's your partner after all, marriage is not all bed and roses and does require maintenance from time to time, the trick is managing the down times and coming out through the other end, hopefully that much stronger.She deserves a chance before you think about betraying her and breaking the trust, once that gone, it's a longer road back than trying to sort it out to begin with.Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2011): Been there, done that. You are taking the easy way out with respect to the stale state of your marriage. Instead of working on your real relationship, you are substituting this imaginary perfect relationship with someone you don't really know. It's so easy to fall into this sort of thing with an attractive woman who has expressed "admiration" for you. That is apparently the spark that has lit this fire within you. The reason for that, is that all men really want is to be needed and desired. In most marriages, this issue comes to the fore. Unless maintained religiously, any relationship will become stale. View this as your wake up call to get back to maintaining your marriage. It's not easy, but what you need to do is create distance between you and the object of your infatuation. At the same time, you need to start reinvesting emotionally in your relationship with your wife. Keep in mind the absolute shitstorm that would ensue if you were to ever act on your feelings. You would ruin your friendship with your colleague and, more importantly, jeopardize your marriage. Come back to earth. Your colleague is not in love with you. She simply expressed drunken admiration for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2011): Simple. Reignite whatever passion and fire that has been dwindling in your marriage and that has caused you to seek out what made your relationship great at the start.As to this co-worker. Keep it, at all costs, as friends. No matter if she is willing to cheat, or how much you want to. Do not ever let it go beyond your mind, where it belongs.Trust me, see to your marriage, remember what it was that made you want to marry your wife in the first place and see that such things again become the focus in your relationship and this infatuation will die as quickly as it surfaced.We all get crushes, mate. Even when we are in relationships. It's how we choose to act that defines what type of person we are.Flynn 24
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