A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I essentially put a good friend about to get engaged in a corner to tell her boyfriend she had been cheating.Well at first I tried not to do this, but instead let her boyfriend know I was concerned about her life-decisions because I had some other legit concerns that didn't involve her cheating. Even though he is my friend too and we've had deeper discussions in the past, he was pissed that I was talking about his girlfriend behind her back. He accused me of being jealous of their lives, etc. etc. The more I defended myself, the more pissed he became with only half the story. I had tried to talk to my friend and be there for her while she was doing these destructive things, but she kept contacting the other guy, and didn't seem to care how wrong it was. Her life was getting carried away in other ways too. Her boyfriend was supporting her financially while she made so many excuses for not getting a job. She was being destructive and I tried to tell this to her boyfriend who accused me of trying to fix people that didn't need to be fixed.He told his girlfriend all about me talking to him and eventually she did confess a part of what happened. She is mad as ever at me for the big mess I created. I lost her trust and probably her friendship.I guess I'm wondering if I did the right thing. I went about it wrong but I was so morally conflicted. I was concerned about my friend and had hoped to shed some light on her issues by talking to her boyfriend without letting the cat out of the bag. I saw my friend in a big downward spiral in her life, making bad decisions and hiding them. I secretly wanted her to get caught and though I didn't admit it to myself at first, that was also the motive behind talking to her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is my friend as well and he is so hopelessly in love with her, wants to marry her, etc. He has a heart of gold and it kills me to watch this. I thought if she got caught and he forgave her, at least she would learn that cheating always affects a lot of more people than she thinks and not do it again. She was cheating with a married man too. If I said nothing and watched them marry, and she got away with it once, she'd do it again. I was almost certain of that. She was talking like there were no consequences to her actions.But was it my business?? Should I have stayed out? Because I feel pretty darn awful. I take no pride in other people's misery but at the same time I feel a huge relief they didn't get married, kids involved, etc. before he discovered her tendency to cheat and live off of him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): Thank you for your responses. Days later I feel that if I didn't say anything I'd be just as resentful as if I did say something, so it was a lose-lose situation to start with. That's one of the crappy things about cheating - that it puts a lot people in a bad position. I said to her boyfriend and then her directly what everyone who knows has been saying behind their backs.
I don't agree with her choices but she's always been a good friend to me for many years. If I lose her as a friend, oh well. She said "friends don't judge other friends" so if she wants only people in her life who enable her behaviour and tell her what she wants to hear then I am not much use to her... It sounds like he is still in a relationship with her but at least he has the heads up.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): "for the big mess I createdd"
You did not create the mess.
You kept a bigger mess from being created.
If not you, then who was going to do the right thing? Who else? You are friends with both people, one of them is doing the other person wrong and you know about it.
Your responsibility as a friend is to do the right thing to protect the person who is being wronged, even if they don't appreciate it in the end, you still should do the right thing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): Yes you did the right thing! He's been warned if he marries her and gets his heart broken he has only himself to blame. If this girl doesn't care how many lives she ruins including her own and doesn't seem to have the moral compass to care, then she probably doesn't deserve a friend like you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): I for one think you did the right thing, just may have went about it the wrong way. You should have started with sitting her down and letting her know that what she was doing was wrong. Maybe tried to talk to her and find out why she felt the need to cheat in the first place, and talked to her about it. The guy may have given her a reason to cheat and you didn't know it. Maybe he cheated on her and she found out about it and wanted to get him back. IDK. People start cheating for a reason. There are many reasons people cheat but in the end cheating is WRONG. If you lost her friendship over this, she wasn't a real friend to start with. She was the one that was in the wrong and she needed to see that. Maybe she won't have a realationship with this guy anymore but maybe in the future she will see that she can't treat people that way. So I think you have helped this person in the long-run. I hope this helps!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): Yes how is this any of your business? you are a friend, you are not there to make her love life harder. It is up too her what she does, it should make no difference to you if she cheats or not.
If I was her I would cut you out of my life for good
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