A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey I was wondering if someone could help!I have been dating my new boyfriend for 2 months and we have a real problem in the bedroom...he just isn't that interested!! We waited a month before we had sex - he stayed over quite a few times and nothing but kissing, when we did finally have sex it was because I really wanted to. Ever since we only do it about once a week despite us sleeping over at each others houses at least twice a week. I only come because I'm so turned on by the time we actually do because we don't do it very often! When we do do it it feels a bit mechanical...He told me before we got together that his last girlfriend faked her orgasms and that he couldn't come with her mainly due to that. As a result the first time we did it he couldn't come and sometimes he still can't...The only position he can come in is taking me from behind which prompted one of my friends to ask if he's gay! I don't think he is - he spends hours kissing me, loves my boobs and tells me I'm beautiful and there's a real spark. He's the loveliest guy I've ever met, he's caring and thoughtful and a fantastic listener and I really think we could have a great future together other than this...Before people ask on the gay thing...he doesn't spend ages in the bathroom, or preen himself, he isn't into diva music and he isn't in the slightest bit effeminate. He has lots of friends of both sexes and has had a few girlfriends - half of which he never slept with...when I ask him about sex he says he wants every time to be special and doesn't see the point in it being just sex for the sake of it, but I've got a reasonably high sex drive ( I would have it every night but not all night long!) This feels like a real deal breaker to me...I love the connection you get when you're intimate with someone and I feel this intimacy is lacking...He doesn't even seem to enjoy blowjobs and I never had any complaints from other boyfriends! He just never seems completely into it...I just don't know what to do about this...how can I make him want me more? Or improve his performance in the bedroom?Somebody please tell me what's wrong with me/him?Thank you so much for reading.xx
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blow-job, boobs, kissing, orgasm, sex drive, spark Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009): Sounds like he just doesn't have a high sex drive. Isn't hugely motivated by sex and hasn't yet learnt to really enjoy it, or become really good at it. Maybe a bit repressed, has doubts about his technique, isn't all that naturally comfortable with physical intimacy, so psychologically finds sex as much of a challenge/chore/duty/test as a turn-on. This could improve.
'he spends hours kissing me, loves my boobs and tells me I'm beautiful and there's a real spark. He's the loveliest guy I've ever met, he's caring and thoughtful and a fantastic listener'...sounds great!
You do need to TALK to him about how you feel, since it's clearly bothering you.
As for the gay thing, there's no evidence at all in your post to suggest that he is. But he's your boyfriend, so you're totally within your rights to ask him straight out (a gently teasing 'have you ever fantasised about men' would be much wiser and less confrontational than an accusatory 'look here, are you gay or what?')
Best of luck xx
A
male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (19 October 2009):
 Probably not gay, but I agree with others that he may not care much about being with you. Or it is certainly possible that he is simply not very sexual or passionate as you, which could prove a mismatch problem.
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A
female
reader, L*  +, writes (18 October 2009):
maybe he's got something worrying him...problems at work/with family ? some disagreements with a close friend or something? the fact that he isn't interested in sex doesn't mean that he's gay...it's just that he doesn't feel like having sex. some men do go through such phases when they're stressed out!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2009): im sorry but he does sound gay to me.A lot of men do go through the denial phase before they fess up. I think you need to confront him on that as straight guys would be all over you. Ive never heard a straight guy complain about too much sex, its just the opposite. sorry
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