A
male
age
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*DI
writes:i'm in need of advice .... i know that i should be pretty well versed at my age (47 years old) but i guess i'm really not an "expert" at these things in reality.for the past 4 months i've been in a relationship with a beautiful woman that i love very deeply. she's been divorced for the past 5 years and her kids are ages 23,20 and 16. all which are boys.the 23 year old is through college and currently unemployed and living at home.... the 20 year old is in college and living away from home in another state and the 16 year old is in high school and living at home. i have met the kids are they seem fine albeit very intelligent kids. she has told me that her children had a tough time with her divorce from her ex husband because of the reason of their breakup which was infedelity with someone that she and her kids were close to... eg: her best friend that he ended up marrying.here's the problem ..... she tells me that she loves me .... we have even talked about marriage.... and we have discussed that i should get to know her children but she limits the amount of time that i'm in her house everytime i go there to a very short period .... like 45 minutes or even less before she wants us to leave. it's like i'm sensing that she's actually trying to avoid my interaction with her kids. also, she doesn't show much (vertually none!) affection to me in front of her boys which i might understand if they we small children but at their ages i would think that they would be more apt to being a non issue of her feelings toward me. she doesn't want me to ever stay a night there if they are home and they are home 99% of the time with the exception of the one that is away at college ... who comes home from time to time. i might understand a morality issue ... but the avoidance of the whole interaction thing is what is really bothering me. i've mentioned this to her and she says "oh you can come anytime you like" and before recently she didn't have a couch in her living room so she would use that as an excuse... that there was "no place for us to sit" (?) so, she recently purchased a new living room since but it still always ends up a short 15 to 30 minute period and then she says ... "let's go" and i sense an amount of an uncomfortable feeling from her. she has given me a key to her house... but how in the world would i use it if she is uncomfortable with me being there with her kids at home? i have never used the key. by the way... we live about 30 miles apart which in no problem for me. She has been to my home quite a few times but has never stayed a night or anything basically because of her kids. Although, we have stayed in a couple of hotels and have spend a couple of nights together... once at her house when her kids were out of twon and another time she told them that she was staying the night at a hotel after a business meeting (which was true) and i stayed the night with her there at her invitation.If i say i want to see her ... she most always says "meet me at a mall" or she'll say "I'll come over there." Other times, she acts like she's really into the relationship and other times it's like she's not.We do talk on the phone several time a day and evenings.... and text each other numerous times over the period of a day so the communication is there... that's not an issue at all! She insists that i should get to know her kids... but how can i if she keeps wanting to run out of her house minutes after i arrive? also, it wasn't untill recently that she even would acknowlege our relationship to her own friends and members of her own family.. (eg: her sister in California) and he has told her ex that she was "seeing someone" now and did indeed mention my name. SAhe has not said anything to her mother.We have been intimate and so we do have an intimate relationship and that's always good! ;-) but, admittedly it's not too often or as often as i would like... but we also both have jobs! lolin actuality, i feel like i'm being hidden .... although i know that there no other man in her life (i think...) but she does say that this guy named "Robert" has called her and asked her out which she declines and she says that she has told him that she's seeing someone. I don't think he is an issue though. but, i could be wrong!Admittedly we do have different lifestyles .... she lives in a upscale subdivision and i live in a middle class neighborhood... she always says that she's not in love with a career but with a person (her ex is a DVM) i'm a nephrology technician (allied medical) and she is an RN. by the way... we met at work although we no longer work in the same clinic. she is formerly my supervisor but we didn't date until we were no longer working together.anyways, what i'm wondering is .... why is she still trying to keep me "hidden" from her older children if she says she wants to marry me? How can i maintain a progressive relationship with her that leads to marriage if she continues to do this and how should i approach this situation?i just don't get it!I do love her so much and really want this relationship to progress but frankly i'm running out of enjoyment for meeting at a mall ... lol ... as it would seem much more logical to just be able to go over to her house and spend time with her... since we're both grown adults... older ones at that! ... even if it's just for a matter of watching a DVD or the television! kids or no kids! (again they are 23 and 16!)What's the deal?Thanks in advance for your advice!
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 April 2010):
 I think she's being way over protective of her sons. Even if they had a problem with her divorce, it was their Dad they should have the issues with not her. I would think they would LIKE to see that she has someone in her life. However, stepping up and saying this to her might not be a wise idea. But I would let her know that you would like and need more quantity and quality time with her. Be very clear and maybe she'll loosen up.
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