A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a situation that is driving me insane. My wife of 6 1/2 years says that she has only had sex with 3 men in her life; a high school boyfriend, her ex-husband, and me. Following her divorce she dated a guy that I now work with (they probably dated a half dozen times). Btw, I knew her but I didn't know him at the time. He and I are both interested in the outdoors and occasionally hunt and fish together. He's a recovering alcoholic and was on the bottle when they were hanging out. Now he talks like he was having sex with every woman he went out with during that period in his life. He doesn't know that I'm married to one of the women he dated and he hasn't specifically named her as one of the women. What makes me curious is that I found pictures of the two of them on a date and they were doing the shots where you suck the lemon or lime from another person's mouth and lick the salt from their neck. She swears to me that they never did anything other than kiss.I recently caught my wife in a lie; nothing major but a lie none the less. This is the first time that I know she has lied to me and it has made me start questioning her integrity and faithfulness. I understand that her past is her past; as is mine. I have shared everything about my past with her including some things I probably should have kept to myself. I don't care if she had sex with this guy, or anyone else for that matter, but I want to know, more than anything, if she told me the truth. I believe I find out from him without him knowing it was my wife but I'm not sure if that's a good idea. Any advice?
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alcoholic, divorce, her ex, her past, period Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your comments. I'm really having a rough time right now. Let me give you some background. While my wife was single and she and I were dating, a married male co-worker stopped by her house (alone) late one evening. My wife, then girlfriend, was home alone. She lived 35 miles from him in a small town. My perception of the guy before this happened was that he was someone that would cheat on his wife given the opportunity. My wife and I married about a year later. He ended up moving to another company about a year after we married. He has called her randomly over the years and it always sorta upset me. My former female co-workers don't contact me and I don't contact them.
3 years ago, before my son was born, she bought a baby bed off of this guy and his wife. She and I went to pick it up but there was an attachment that made it into a toddler bed that he couldn't find. When my son was old enough to move into the toddler bed, she went by his house to get the attachment without me knowing until she brought it home one day. She said that his wife was there and that he wasn't even home. She knew how I felt about this guy before she went over there and didn't tell me she was going?
Back in May of this year, my wife and I were off of work together and he called her in the middle of the day (a time we normally wouldn't have been together) on her cell phone. She refused to answer the phone because she said he only wants to talk/gripe about his current employer. He left her a message and, she said, she never called him back. Near the end of June (2010), we were sitting in our living room and her cell phone rang several times in our bedroom. She was in no hurry to get it and it went to voicemail. She "redialed" the missed call which she said was one of her female friends and talked to her a while. I thought she was acting strangely so a little later I asked to look at her phone. The person that had really called was her former married male co-worker. As you can imagine, we had a major falling out.
There are a number of things that have changed over the past few months that have attributed to my lack of trust (e.g. lack of intimacy, change in routines, etc.). I have given my wife my full trust up until I caught her lying in June. Now she can look the wrong direction and I think she's doing something. I love and miss my wife. I really don't know what to do but I'm totally unsettled.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): Thank you all for your comments. I'm really having a rough time right now. Let me give you some background. While my wife was single and she and I were dating, a married male co-worker stopped by her house (alone) late one evening. My wife, then girlfriend, was home alone. She lived 35 miles from him in a small town. My perception of the guy before this happened was that he was someone that would cheat on his wife given the opportunity. My wife and I married about a year later. He ended up moving to another company about a year after we married. He has called her randomly over the years and it always sorta upset me. My former female co-workers don't contact me and I don't contact them.
3 years ago, before my son was born, she bought a baby bed off of this guy and his wife. She and I went to pick it up but there was an attachment that made it into a toddler bed that he couldn't find. When my son was old enough to move into the toddler bed, she went by his house to get the attachment without me knowing until she brought it home one day. She said that his wife was there and that he wasn't even home. She knew how I felt about this guy before she went over there and didn't tell me she was going?
Back in May of this year, my wife and I were off of work together and he called her in the middle of the day (a time we normally wouldn't have been together) on her cell phone. She refused to answer the phone because she said he only wants to talk/gripe about his current employer. He left her a message and, she said, she never called him back. Near the end of June (2010), we were sitting in our living room and her cell phone rang several times in our bedroom. She was in no hurry to get it and it went to voicemail. She "redialed" the missed call which she said was one of her female friends and talked to her a while. I thought she was acting strangely so a little later I asked to look at her phone. The person that had really called was her former married male co-worker. As you can imagine, we had a major falling out.
There are a number of things that have changed over the past few months that have attributed to my lack of trust (e.g. lack of intimacy, change in routines, etc.). I have given my wife my full trust up until I caught her lying in June. Now she can look the wrong direction and I think she's doing something. I love and miss my wife. I really don't know what to do but I'm totally unsettled.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): "She tells a small lie so what?"
Lots of people who tell small lies are also known for telling bigger ones too, that's what. This is a trust issue.
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A
female
reader, Valyda  +, writes (31 July 2010):
You share life with this woman for 6 and an half years and so guy says something and you start investigating her? How do you think she will feel if she finds out? I would not want to be with such an obsessive, jealous, doubtful man.
She had a small lie so what? this guy was an alcoholic, he was drunk most of the time, how can he recall all the woman he slept with during that time? You trust a stranger's word over your wife's? TRUST her, that's what marriage is TRUST.
And like someone else said STOP hanging out with this person, he is indirectly ruining your marriage. If you did not care about her past you would not be so worked up about what this guy said.
Get over it and love your wife.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (30 July 2010):
 "I believe I find out from him without him knowing it was my wife but I'm not sure if that's a good idea. Any advice?"
Yes. I have some very simple advice: don't do it.
Any piece of information you find about your wife's past is going to be unpleasant. Even if, as is likely, she's been telling the truth, it's not going to be good to hear. And worst case it will destroy you and your marriage
There is NO UPSIDE to your investigation. Only the potential to damage trust, create obsession, and potentially ruin everything.
Let it go. Really let it go.
One other piece of advice: I recommend stopping hanging out with this guy. Clearly he's saying things that are messing with your head, and your marriage. The fact that he dated your wife is causing you to become paranoid and jealous. That downside is much worse than the upside you have of your hunting and fishing with him. Drop the friendship, for your benefit, and for your wife.
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