A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I’d be grateful for some advice. I’ve posted this on a couple of forums to get various opinions. I’m a heterosexual man in his 50‘s, and I’ve never had a girlfriend or had any intimate relationship with a woman. I was an adopted only child and missed a lot of my schooling and early working life, so I missed out on social contact and female contact in my early years. I never left home, I lived with both of my parents until they died, my elderly Father was housebound in the last few years of his life.Throughout my adult life, relationships, love and sex might just as well have been things happening on another planet. I’ve only ever really loved one woman, but when I asked her out in the 1980’s, she played games with me, saying yes to a date when she knew she wasn’t interested; we never went out. Of the the few other women I’ve asked out, several have rejected me or strung me along, and one stood me up. I’ve only ever had three dates, but they never led to relationships. I asked one woman out, the other two arranged dates with me. The one I asked had a pleasant personality and was very pretty, but she was living with a man at the time, and I didn’t want to try and break up their relationship. Of the two who asked me, there was just no spark with the first one, and the second one was problematical; she was a little bit racist in some ways, which put me off her because I am of ethnic origin; she got on ok with me, but had disparaging attitudes towards other ethnic groups. She was also a bit crazy; she stayed at my home for a couple of weeks when she had nowhere else to go, and after she went, I found that she had left nude pictures of herself on my pc.I’m not keen about going on the internet to find women, I’ve always just wanted to talk to women, make friends with them and ask them out.I feel as though I’ve missed out. I’m sad about the fact that I’ve never dated a pretty young lady in her teens or 20’s, and never will; I’m too old now to humiliate myself asking younger women out. I had always wanted to have some enjoyment, date a few different girls/women, then settle down and have a family, but I feel that it’s too late. If I had children now, I’d be in my 70’s by the time they grew up. I’m frustrated about the fact that I’ve always been a decent man who has respected women, never called them sluts, slags, etc, never used any kind of pornography, would never have tried to rush women into bed, would always have been loving and faithful, etc, and yet over the years females have snubbed me, messed me about, stood me up or given me dirty looks and pulled sneering faces when I’ve tried in my polite way to talk to them or make friends with them. I’ve worked with men who’ve treated women really badly, yet always had girlfriends. Most of the women I’ve come into contact with haven’t got to find out what kind of man I am and what qualities I have because they’ve never given me a chance, they‘ve been snooty with me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): The answer is to get out there and live life.Women are attracted to men who are independent, are held in respect by other men, are pleasant company, can face adversity with humour, and are not unattractive.All of those things require you to be out in the world, doing what interests you. Clubs and the like are very fine ways to pursue those interests. Don't fake an interest -- if you find you don't like something then move on. Don't choose interests based on likelihoods of meeting women -- there's little more pitiful than a uninterested man at a sewing circle.You need to take an interest in people. A good sales person can tell you the life story of everyone in a room. Simply because they've been pleasant, taken an interest, listened, and followed up with intelligent and caring questions. My guess is you're hard put to recall the names in a room. So get out there and get some practice in.You also need to pitch yourself like a good sales person. That means being understated -- there's a difference between describing yourself as "caring for sick parents and only starting to get out again" and as "never had a close relationship".Good sales people also don't let an opportunity go by. You're averaging one date a decade. Just asking the next interesting women you meet out to dinner would improve those stats by 25%. She can only say no. In which case when you encounter another interesting woman you ask her. There's nothing wrong with asking, even if people say "no" if you accept that with grace you'll often be told much more about someone than you would be told otherwise. That's the sort of shared confidence that leads to friendship.Good sales people also know that failed opportunities can lead to other opportunities. So you don't date a women once and drop her cold because she isn't your type. You keep in touch, you build a friendship. Who knows, the girls could be short of a man to fill a table one night, you'll get a call and be sitting next to Ms Right. But more importantly, having a wide range of friends adds to your happiness (and their's too).I've probably pushed the sales metaphor too hard. You certainly shouldn't think of other people as sales to be made. Although since you seem like a decent bloke, it probably is the presentation rather than the substance you need. (Which is a pleasant reversal of the norm for this forum, it must be said.)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): My heart really goes out to you. I have to wonder why you never separated yourself from your parents as a young man to pursue a life of your own, and why you never individuated as an adult. In some ways, it is as if living cloistered with your parents has stunted your development and growth from that of a young man to an adult. It seems as if you are now beginning this process...You are a special man and you need a special woman. Someone who can see beyond what is on the surface ... to uncover the really terrific qualities you have .. and can offer a woman. Make a list of these qualities and post them up in a prominent place... and remind yourself of them.Because.. your first step is going to be working on how you feel about yourself.It seems that you need to find a forum where you can interact with people and share who you are... perhaps the hit and run approach of asking someone out etc... isn't the best way for you. Maybe you need to join a book club, a volunteer organization, a dine around group... anything and everything that gets you out with people and gets you talking. You can meet people anywhere really, but for someone who is feeling awkward ... perhaps the best thing is to find safe ways of interacting and ways that others can get to know you... because once they do... then you'll be fine. I am also wondering about the type of woman you have approached... Perhaps you may need to find someone who is in a similar boat as you who can relate to your life situation. She may not be the most glamorous woman, but she may have a heart of gold... and that is where the true value of a person lies. Join clubs, volunteer organizations, and/or a place of worship. If you want to find someone, take steps... and in the meantime you will develop social skills, learn how to relate to women, and begin to build confidence. You will make friends and grow in a positive light.Remember, that what you experienced was part reality and part YOUR perception of reality. You felt seriously rejected for things that you couldn't change about yourself. That may tie into unresolved feelings concerning your adoption. Please think about this. You may be very surprised to learn that this may have a great deal to do with you having difficulties connecting and forming connections with people... especially women. Perhaps this is something to speak with a counselor about.There are women who have posted on Dear Cupid concerning their loneliness in a similar situation to yourself. Others can understand where you are coming from and may share your loneliness... find them. Find her. To uncover the needle in the haystack you are going to have to work at it... it may take some effort but it is possible.... and never forget that.Explore the truth behind what has kept you trapped all of these years... work on developing your social skills with people and get out there and be sociable. Take baby steps. You'll get there.
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