A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Just wanted to know if anyone else has been in love with two people for over 25 years and they both love you back? I am married to same man for over 20 years and love him greatly...dated in high school, got married, had family. However, during this time have also been in love with another man who I also dated in high school. We went seperate ways...he got married, I got married but never forgot each other. We did not talk for 10 years but then it contacted him when I was going through a rough time in my life and needed a friend. My husband was there so not sure why I needed other guy aside from never forgetting how close we once were. He was getting a divorce and said he missed me. Since then we had one affair which my husband knows about. I wanted to make things work with my husband who I truly do love, so we stopped talking for about another 7-8 years until I again contacted him. I think I contacted him because no matter how hard I try I cannot forget how much I love him too. He said he still loved me and wanted to be with me...we had an emotional affair off and on for the next 5 years. I would try to not contact or talk to him for months but in the end I always would go back. Today he is in a relationship but says he would be with me if I ever left my husband. If I need him he is always there but asks nothing of me because he does not want to pressure me. Yet I know he is settling because he is lonely. I am so confused. I do not want to hurt my husband who I care for and love deeply. A part of me thinks I should leave him and just be by myself to be fair to everyone. I do not want to hurt either if them. I really believe I love them both. I feel stuck, unhappy and horrible about the entire situation.Any help or advice would be appreciated.
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male
reader, Aussie Guy  +, writes (12 February 2015):
Shouldn't you have figured your feelings out for your ex-boyfriend before you got married?
You have already hurt your husband as you said that he knows about your affair between you and your ex-boyfriend. Even though your husband was there for you when you were going through a hard time you turned to your ex-boyfriend. Your husband must be a very understanding man.
Imagine how your husband feels if must be tearing his heart out knowing that he has been married to you for 20 years but you are not his. You think more about satisfying your ex-boyfriends needs more than his. How can you say you love your husband the answer is YOU DON?T otherwise you would not be carrying on with your ex-boyfriend.
Haven't you figured out that you & your ex-boyfriend are EX's for a reason. It seems that you have opened the door wide for your husband to have an affair with another women. He might take the attitude that what is good for you is good for him and find a women who is not hung up on an ex-boyfriend.
Why don't you leave your husband and live with the ex-boyfriend you might find that you are not suited to each other and you then might realize that it is your husband you want. I wonder how many people have done this and regretted their decision?
What example are you sending to your children? to a girl it is alright to marry someone but have an affair with an ex-boyfriend. To a boy it might be to use girls before they betray you.
You seem to have two choices - Break off all contact with your ex-boyfriend an concentrate 100% on your marriage as your marriage is slowly dying.
Leave your husband and take up with your ex-boyfriend and see how it goes.
I agree with the last answer that it is time to grow up and make adult decisions otherwise some one else will make the decision for you. You might find that the biggest loser will be you.
Good luck I wish you well for the future.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2015): I personally haven't. I have liked several suitors at once but love? No, I have only ever been able to fall in love with one person at a time. But I do know of someone just like you. It is actually my boyfriend's ex girlfriend. She was dating my boyfriend and then started carrying on a relationship at the same time with another guy who she ended up marrying. Meanwhile she never ended her relationship with my boyfriend. So their relationship turned into an affair. Even being a newlywed, she would make all of these promises to my boyfriend that she was planning on leaving her husband to be with him. That she loved him "oh so much, that it hurt." That her being married was out of her control. Playing the damsel in distress. And he bought it. They would talk everyday and secretly meet up and have sex. Then she would go back to her husband and probably tell him how much she loves him. My boyfriend and I were friends for several years before dating. I was always his girl buddy, sometimes his confidante, so when I would voice my opinion about stuff he knew there wasn't an agenda or jealousy behind it. He knew I was telling it like it is. My opinion had authority. Which is cool. So the first time this woman came up while we were in a relationship (because she had sent him one of a string of "innocent" emails asking about his love life followed by a cute little picture of herself) he got to hear my opinion of her. I let him know that it is not very becoming of a married woman with a child sending her ex boyfriend pictures of herself and prying about his love life. I don't engage in that kind of scandalous behavior and don't acknowledge people who do. It is below me. I also reminded him that she doesn't love him like she claims. A woman who truly loves a man wouldn't engage him in this kind of triangle.His face turned white. He admitted the whole thing was effed up. It's like he had an epiphany and realized how screwed up the whole thing was. For some reason, he had been very manipulated by her. He even said she was an *expletive* for doing this. He lost respect for her. So he said he would end all contact with her. He responded to her email and told her he was in a relationship and it was inappropriate to be in contact. Something she never took the time to do out of respect for her own husband and newborn. She is so arrogant that she responded with an "lol." Like it was a joke. The good news is we've never heard from her again. And my boyfriend and I love each other immensely. So that worked out.Sooner or later you are going to lose one of them because of what you are doing. And not just lose them, you are going to lose all their respect. If karma really strikes hard, you'll lose them both. And god forbid your children find out. There will go their respect for you. What's even worse is the reality that you are missing here. There are plenty of fish in the sea. My boyfriend hung on to a married woman probably because he felt down and lonely and nothing more. But then he met me. I've seen pictures of her and he did way better for himself. Physically, intellectually. His family loves me and is very impressed. And he is very proud and it helped him close that chapter of his life. That in hindsight he now realized how low it was and how much better he could do. Men who put up with this kind of thing, probably have very low self esteem and think that is all they deserve. So don't fool yourself to believe there is more height in it than that. What you need is to have some integrity and stop this childish behavior. It's all fun and games till someone gets hurt. I think it's time to grow up.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 February 2015):
 POLY-AMORY is what you want.
you want hubby and you want the other guy as your second.
simple... just get both of them to sign on for sharing you...
no? that won't work? yeah didn't work for me either.
I ended up marrying the boy toy on the side.
at this point you need to either leave the husband you love (do you really love him or do you just say that because you think you should) what does the boy toy give you that the husband does not...
what is missing from your marriage that the guy on the side is giving you?
for me it was intelligent conversation. my then husband was a good guy but not educated. the boy toy and i in the beginning talked more than anything... we still do.
so figure out what you are getting from boy toy that you are not getting from hubby and either fix that or leave hubby and know that what you have with hubby will not be reproduced with boy toy and something will be missing there too...
figure out what you need/want from a relationship and who is able to give you what you need/want more... then go to that man and leave the other to get on with his life.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (7 February 2015):
 To be blunt you need to either poop or get off the pot. You have been unfaithful in thought or deed to your husband for the whole of your married life. How unfair has that been to them, instead of focussing fully on making sure your husband and family fifty precent of your love and attention was focussed elsewhere.
There are apparently no reasons for you to not be married to the father of your children, providing an united front to those children and being together for any events that come up for your children, and future grandchildren .... if you are not being beaten, you have a home, food on the table, you say you have not fallen out of love with your husband why are you jeopardising what they have?
Who are you kidding when you say you should leave and just be by yourself, as soon as you leave your husband you will be on the phone to the other guy with your knickers in your hand.
Stop telling lies, be honest with yourself, recognise that if you leave your marriage your kids are old enough to determine the truth, and you will lose their respect along with that of every other clear thinking person in your life.... if that is what you want then go for it, if not, then stop contacting this other man, wipe him from your phone, don't keep tabs on him, let him go and settle with whoever he wants and start focussing on the people who really matter.
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